Random Esquire

When I was visiting my sister, my nephew enjoyed repeating the rhyme about monkeys jumping on a bed.  Want to hear it?  Here it go.

Two little monkeys, jumping on the bed.  One fell down and broke his head.  The mama called the doctor and the doctor said, “No more monkeys jumping on the bed.”

I did not think much of it until my sister turned to me and said, “Do you remember how it used to go when we were kids?”

*Blink*

I said, “What do you mean?”

She said, “It used to go: “The other called the doctor and the doctor said, ‘That’s what you get for jumping on the bed.’” It was far more punitive when we were children!”

And, in fact, she’s right.  When I was a kid, the moral of the story was sort of, “EH, you got what was comin’ to you, kid.  You jump on the bed, you might break your head.  It’d be your own damn fault.”

Now?  Now it’s some Dr. Oz bullshit quack who puts his hands on his hips, tilts his head and says, “Well!  We won’t be trying that again, will we?”

Kids today are soft.

Someone is an Ellen fan.

Apparently.

1.  Conversation with Besos via text message:

Besos: “I want to snuggle. Warm me up!”

RE: “I’ll grab your ass. How’s that sound?”

Besos: “Familiar.”

2.  Conversation with Lousy Schmuck (new nickname of a friend) who was coming over.

Lousy Schmuck: “On the train.”

RE: “Get off the train, turn left, exit the station…” (directions on how to get to the loft)  “I’ll throw rocks at you from the balcony.”

Lousy Schmuck: “Cool. I’ll throw a middle finger your way.”

RE: (having spotted Lousy Schmuck walking toward loft)  “I  see you!  Schmuck.”

Lousy Schmuck: “Do you see my middle finger too?”

3.  With my mother.

Mother: “What are you doing”

Mother: “?”

Mother: “Call me.”

Mother: “Have fun. Don’t spend.”

Mother: “Have fun. Save money.”

RE: *Blink*

1.  Today, in a moment of sick and twisted Random-time, I wondered if I could send dirty text messages to Besos while she was in church that were so filthy that she couldn’t go get communion with a clear conscience.  And then I figured something was wrong with me and that maybe I should be going to church.

Nah.

2.  My sister informed me that she plans on wearing a black dress and a black veil to her son’s wedding.  He’s two years old.  She likes to think ahead at the suffering she’ll endure when her baby boy decides to make another woman his number one.  She’s a planner.

3.  Back of Besos:  We went shopping on Saturday.  She likes pink.

4.  My mother has completely missed the point of text messages.  Text messages can be so much less intrusive than a phone call.  But not if my mother is sending them.  Her favorite text messages are:

a)  What are you doing?

b) Call me.

5.  My sister informed me today that my niece was doing hard time in her room.  Why?  Because after being specifically told not to kick the back of the passenger seat of the car (in which my sister was seated), my niece kicked it repeatedly.  My sister said, “It was the child equivalent of the middle finger.”  She has a way with words, my sister.

I introduced my sister to the term “Funsuck” this weekend.

Here’s how the conversation happened – and to preface it, I’ll say that my sister has a friend – Sara – who, upon first meeting her, I identified as pleasant enough but also just as likely to hang you by the feet in her lair and deposit her eggs in you.  She’s… stiff.  Just everything about her appears rigid.  When I asked her if she had any siblings, she stated, “One.  We don’t get along.”

Well.  Aren’t you just lovely?

Anyway – back to funsucks.

Sister:  Sara is having a big 40th birthday party.  She decided that if she wasn’t married by the time she’s 40, she’d throw herself a big party.

RE:  You know why she’s not married?  Because she’s a funsuck.

Sister:  RANDOM!  (She was laughing.)  What??

RE:  A Funsuck!  Someone who sucks all the fun out of life.

Sister:  (laughing) She even sent out invitations.

RE:  Does it say “Happy 40th” to me??

Sister: No…. they are calling it a Family Celebration.

RE:  Does it say “Family Celebration in lieu of wedding“?

Sister:  No!

RE:  What a funsuck.

You know the people I’m talking about, right?  This is the person who, through some unseen force, is able to drain the life blood out of a group of people.  A person who has just gone sour, like milk.  Or like  mayo left in the sun to turn yellow.  Everyone else has to accommodate or compensate in some way by putting on a smile and paying attention to them, etc.  My sister and I refer to this as shaking a rattle at a baby.  Because when the baby fusses, someone has to go shake a rattle until he calms again and everyone else can return to having a good time.

Funsucks, of course, are closely related to mopes – who, as I have said, should be put down.

Dude, tell me who your funsuck is.

I fully admit that I look through the entire SkyMall catalog when on an airplane.  Why? Because it’s ridiculous.  It has some seriously ridiculous stuff.

Speaking of ridiculous, when I took out my phone and snapped pictures of things, my mother said, “You look ridiculous.”  This is because we all took the same flight to New Jersey to see my sister.  I digress.

On to the stupid shit sold at Sky Mall.  Let’s talk about what you would think if you saw the below products in a woman’s home – and the best is last.

If you visit a woman and she has a funky toilet seat for whatever reason – just…leave.

What the hell?  Why would you want your front yard to look like a Night of the Living Dead?  The only thing that would make this funny is if a dog pooped in that thing’s mouth.

This little picture was in an ad for shoes with springs in the heels.  Seriously.  Apparently, they sky rocket you to work.  I couldn’t tell what the guy was holding in his right hand.  If you see these at a woman’s home, set her up with your sister.

I don’t even know what the HELL this is.  Like, you seriously strap the cell phone to your wrist so… that you don’t lose it?  If you see a woman with this strapped to her wrist, just forget about it. She’s too stupid to date.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

BOOYAH.  This is the motherload.  If you see these things… you don’t need to date this woman. You just need to have sex with her.  Because those things are *not* used to ease back pain – unless you mean ‘back pain during sex.’   If that ain’t a sex wedge, I don’t know what is.

Now, don’t get me wrong – the first thing you need to do is throw that that shit away.  Cause you don’t want to use a used sex wedge.  You just go get another one.  For every room in the house.

I’m laughing at the confusion caused by the previous Wrong Answer Random entries.

No one is getting married anytime soon.  We (Besos and I) were teasing each other.  That’s it – no one is engaged, etc.

We just are obnoxious about teasing each other.

– Now Back to Your Original Program –

1.  I wonder if someone has every won Jeopardy with 1 dollar.  And the next day, the announcer had to say, “Our returning champion with yesterday’s winning total of….ONE DOLLAR.”

2.  Work had me wound pretty tight this week.  I wanted to cockpunch opposing counsel.  I didn’t.  That’s called being a professional.

3.  I have also been really grateful for the twists and turns of life that have allowed me to meet some really, really interesting people.

4.  Entry by Pippi reminded me of this joke:

Two men were walking down a road together when they spotted a dog on the side of the road with his leg up, licking himself.

One of the men said, “Oh man, I wish *I* could do that.”

The other man replied, “You better not. I think he’d bite you.”

5.  I have been practicing my guitar. I play a mean version of “Down in the Valley.”  I confirmed this when I performed said song for my niece and nephew via Skype and they screamed and lost their minds.

Fuck yeah, kids.  GONNA PLAY YOU CLEMENTINE NEXT.

Lest you get the impression that Besos has anything less than a great sense of humor, here’s this morning’s conversation:

Besos:  Someone proposed to me this morning. You’re late to the party, honey.

RE:  Did you accept?

Besos:  Thinking about it.

RE:  Did you get a diamond ring??

Besos:  It’s in the mail.

RE:  Did someone really propose?

Besos:  Not this week.

RE: You kill me.

Besos:  I’m just teasing you, sweetheart.  I don’t want to get married.

RE:  *Blink*

Wait.

WHAT?

Then I just couldn’t stop laughing.  Because it cracks me up when she gives me a hard time.

And let’s face it.  No one could date me without a decent sense of humor.

Hell, no one could stand me if they didn’t have a sense of humor.

bah.