Random Esquire

If you’ve ever sat at a light that just turned green and been slow to get your ass moving, the person honking the horn behind you may have been me.  You know why?  Cause I’m not here for my health, asshole.  Get moving.

Now, look, I don’t abuse the horn.  I don’t honk for no darn reason.  I honk for specific reasons.  The primary one is to say, “Pay attention.”

I wouldn’t honk at a taxi that was dropping people off in front of me.  I figure the people know that cars are waiting and, as a result, will move their ass with some speed.  Of course, if there appears to be some dilly dally bullshit going on, I might honk as if to say, “You stupid tourist, did you not know you’d have to pay the taxi when the ride was over? Keep an eye on the meter and have your money ready so that you can get your ass moving when the taxi stops.”   Yes. I can say all that with the mere honk of my horn.

Also, I will honk at a pedestrian on special occasions.  Like, for instance, if I have a green left turn arrow and you decide to cross the street because you think you have priority, I may honk at you.  And if you drop your groceries in shock, I will feel badly for a second but then will feel better when I drive over your oranges – but then angry again when I realize I’m dragging your now empty gallon milk jug under my car.

Okay, I may not be that bad.  It’s just that I don’t really consider it really driving unless I honk my horn. Once, a past girlfriend of mine was driving down the street and when someone cut her off, I took it upon myself to lean over and honk the horn for her.  Now, somehow, the horn got stuck and wouldn’t release and so the horn was blaring the entire way down the street.  I just want to note that 1) a woman’s look can be louder than a horn and 2) I don’t do that anymore.

So I want to know:  Are you a honker? Do you live in a big city or more suburbia?

*HONK!*