Random Esquire

1.  Remember how I got my parents new phones and an unlimited text plan?  My father has been trying to teach my mother how to send text messages.  By “trying to teach”, I mean “forcing her to learn”.

Today, he forwarded a message to me and said, “This is mom’s first text message to me.”

It said: “You drive me craze.”

English is her second language.  I sort of think it’s the best text message ever.

2.  A friend of mine recently lost her father.  This is the same close friend whose cousins drove their father’s ashes around in a Nieman-Marcus bag in the trunk of their car.  Needless to say, the family has a wild side and a very good sense of humor.  Her father was also quite the character.

I had flowers sent for his service and was understandably upset when a friend told me that they had not arrived.  I called the florist, left a message and a half hour later, got a call back.  The flowers had been delivered to the wrong funeral.

See, the thing is - I had them write a message on the card.   And this means… that someone else’s funeral had flowers at them with a card that said:

“WHAT A PISTOL.”

All I could think was that I hope it wasn’t a gunshot victim.

3.  My dinner last night – fondly nicknamed my Lady Date by Dysfunction Junction – was awesome.  The restaurant is always so gracious and awesome. Kitchen / Back of House tour ended the evening.  Evening started, however, with a gift which shall heretofore be known as LADY DATE PENELOPE.

It’s a heart picture frame in which they’d placed a picture of Penelope Cruz.  I shall be taking her to different locations and taking picture of her like she’s the Travelocity Garden Gnome.