Need to Break-Up with Someone? Here, Let Me Help You.
As you know, I run a break-up service. My primary client is QTMama. However, as I plan on expanding my client base, it makes good sense to show you my work. Below, you will see three letters I have most recently drafted for QT.
Please feel free to contact me should you be needing my services. I guarantee 100% closure.
THE CLIENT LETTER
Dear QT,
We’ve received your most recent order for one break up letter and have three from which you may make your selection. Please let our office know your selection at your earliest convenience.
RE Breakup Letters, Inc.
Selection #1: The Attorney Style, on behalf of QT
Dear Mr. Jackpot,
I am writing on behalf of my client, Ms. QTMama, whom I represent in this matter. It has come to her unfortunate attention that you are not so much Jackpot as Crackpot. Or, perhaps, in an effort to maintain the theme of this relationship, one might say that you have come up Snake Eyes. You’ve Crapped Out. You Busted. You bet against the House and lost it all.
As Trustee of Ms. QTMama’s feelings, I must tell you that I am disgusted at how you managed her emotional funds while they were in your care. Your negligence has consequences, not only for her, but primarily, for you. That consequence is that you are no longer entitled to manage said funds and are cut off from receiving additional funds. Please act like a gentleman and do not attempt to beg for more funds from the coffers.
As a gambler, I am sure you know that if you squander the funds entrusted to you, you eventually ruin your credit and no more will be extended to you.
Cordially,
Random Esq.
2. The Poetic Style, with apologies to Joyce Kilmer
To Whom It May Concern:
I think that I shall never see
A man as foolish as are thee.
A man whose feelings run amuck,
like a gambler, out of luck;
A man that sucks the fun from life,
with needless toil and worthless strife;
A man that may not ever lay
his hand upon my great snacktray;
Upon my bosom, men have lain,
but your attempts will be in vain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But not as big a fool as thee.
-QT
3. The Short and Sweet Style
Dear Jackpot,
I do not like you anymore.
-QT
Again, please let us know your selection as soon as possible. Most sincerely, -Your Cookie, RandomEsq.
p.s. QT asks that you let us know which letter you prefer.
Share This
Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
December 11th, 2009 at 9:22 am
[...] Click here. [...]
December 11th, 2009 at 9:26 am
*Sigh*
I am in debt for services rendered, RE.
December 11th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Well, if I ever need to break up with my Ken doll, I’ll know who to call.
December 11th, 2009 at 9:46 am
# 3, short and to the point and leave him wondering. Being a bit verbose, I’d chose #1 for myself. You’re doing God’s work RE.
December 11th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Oh wow…
I’m sad and yet laughing at the same time. You truly have a gift, RE.
December 11th, 2009 at 10:24 am
@QT – A bill is forthcoming.
@Beth – *Bow*
@Big City Dad – You honor me. heh.
-R.
December 11th, 2009 at 10:25 am
@T – T, it is my unfortunate realization that nearly all of the women in my life are in a constant battle between laughter and tears.
-R.
December 11th, 2009 at 10:28 am
HAHAHA *Sniff*
December 11th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Definitely #1… bookmarking this page for reference….in case I should ever need such letter…
Have you one for employers as well?
December 11th, 2009 at 10:31 am
@Theresa,
I have a form letter for Employers. Unfortunately, they do not quite bring out the creative side in me and so my form letter consists of one line:
“Take this job and shove it; I ain’t workin’ here no mo.”
Honestly, it leaves something to be desired.
-R.
December 11th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Your work is pretty awesome RE.
@QT *sigh* I’m sorry.
December 11th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I usually go with number 3.
Most guys are too stupid to understand number 1.
December 11th, 2009 at 11:37 am
The poem. Love it.
And you know what? Jackpot is just one more weeded out douche bag. Next.
A girlfriend of mine had an idea: We should marry each other and then just cheat on each other with hot guys.
December 11th, 2009 at 11:50 am
I choose #3, and would add this line: “You suck.”
@Savored Life (3rd thought): Brilliant!
December 11th, 2009 at 11:51 am
@Linda – Thank you.
@MissMegs – Really? I even dumbed my letter down!
December 11th, 2009 at 11:51 am
@Savored Life – How about this. You marry ME and you can cheat on me with QT?
-R.
December 11th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I vote for #3. Short, sweet, to the point. No room for misinterpretation. lol
December 11th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I LIKE THE POEM. Rhyming words really pack a punch.
December 11th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Where were you a year and a half ago ????? lol
Hey, could you write a “stop calling me” letter ? Y’ know just to tell the guy that I am not interested and to kindly fuck off ?
I like the last choice. Very short and to the point.
December 11th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Well duh you’re an exception!
December 11th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Aw, sorry for QT.
Crackpot’s loss though, and although I LOVE #1 & #2 I think #3 is the best way to go.
RE- Your talent never ceases to amaze.
December 11th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
#3. with “SO SUCK IT” at the bottom. and then signed w/ hearts and rainbows.
December 11th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I absolutely love the poem, but Crackpot’s not worth such exquisite effort. #3.
December 11th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
RE, I think you’re too “disciplined” for me…
Plus, you’re available, and those types of men aren’t usually attracted to me.
December 11th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
@Sandra – I will forward you a price list.
@MindyMom – thenkew.
@itneverrainsinseattle – I rather like the poem, myself, too.
December 11th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
@Savored Life – *laugh* I had a feeling that the “disciplined” would come around to bite me in the ass. I think it has connotations of being uptight – which I am not. I’m sure if you make it to Chicago, I will kindly whisper to other people that you’ve killed your husband, just as I did with QT.
I supposed it is easier to date unavailable people. You never have to make a decision!
December 11th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Random, you are truly a individual of multiple talents.
Perhaps if I had a service such as yours my Ex wouldn’t be in jail…no wait, you’re letters aren’t a cure for his accute case of Nukkin’ Futz so never mind.
However, will you kindly help me break up with my mother…she’s driving me mad and I simply must replace her with an updated, much less neurotic model. I believe Sears has them on sale…right next to the control top pantyhose and the garden tools.
December 11th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Dude, you could have made my separation a LOT more entertaining for me.
Ahh well. I choose the poem.
December 11th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
They all have their merits. How smart (or not) is this guy?
Tiffany – If you can find mothers out there that are somehow less crazy, let me know…mine’s about at the limit.
Canadian Bald Guy – Right? Me too!
December 12th, 2009 at 1:16 am
It’s not *really* biting you in the ass…it’s just an easy mark for mockery.
Also, you wouldn’t have to whisper…I can tell the story myself.
December 12th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
I love, love the first one! Especially if he’s a huge jerk.