Random Esquire

As you know, I run a break-up service.  My primary client is QTMama.  However, as I plan on expanding my client base, it makes good sense to show you my work.  Below, you will see three letters I have most recently drafted for QT.

Please feel free to contact me should you be needing my services.  I guarantee 100% closure.

THE CLIENT LETTER

Dear QT,

We’ve received your most recent order for one break up letter and have three from which you may make your selection.  Please let our office know your selection at your earliest convenience.

RE Breakup Letters, Inc.

Selection #1:  The Attorney Style, on behalf of QT

Dear Mr. Jackpot,

I am writing on behalf of my client, Ms. QTMama, whom I represent in this matter.  It has come to her unfortunate attention that you are not so much Jackpot as Crackpot.  Or, perhaps, in an effort to maintain the theme of this relationship, one might say that you have come up Snake Eyes.  You’ve Crapped Out.  You Busted.  You bet against the House and lost it all.

As Trustee of Ms. QTMama’s feelings, I must tell you that I am disgusted at how you managed her emotional funds while they were in your care.  Your negligence has consequences, not only for her, but primarily, for you.  That consequence is that you are no longer entitled to manage said funds and are cut off from receiving additional funds.  Please act like a gentleman and do not attempt to beg for more funds from the coffers.

As a gambler, I am sure you know that if you squander the funds entrusted to you, you eventually ruin your credit and no more will be extended to you.

Cordially,

Random Esq.

2.  The Poetic Style, with apologies to Joyce Kilmer

To Whom It May Concern:

I think that I shall never see
A man as foolish as are thee.

A man whose feelings run amuck,
like a gambler, out of luck;

A man that sucks the fun from life,
with needless toil and worthless strife;

A man that may not ever lay
his hand upon my great snacktray;

Upon my bosom, men have lain,
but your attempts will be in vain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But not as big a fool as thee.

-QT

3.  The Short and Sweet Style

Dear Jackpot,

I do not like you anymore.

-QT

Again, please let us know your selection as soon as possible.  Most sincerely,  -Your Cookie, RandomEsq.

p.s. QT asks that you let us know which letter you prefer.