Random Esquire

1. Today on the train, I overhead a man speaking. He said, “…it was a huge fuckin’ snake! Like, a boa constripper!”

That’s right.

A boa constripper.

Bow-AH Con-STRIP-pah.

2. Instigator and I went to lunch today and then for coffee afterward. While we were in line at Starbucks, she asked me for suggestions on what to get her husband for Christmas. I said, without hesitation, “A blow job. Give him a blow job.” She rolled her eyes and ignored me and said, “Really! What should I get him!” I said, “Coupons. For blow jobs.”

She stared at me. I said, “LOOK, get him what he really wants!”

And then I proceeded to poke my tongue against the inside of my cheek.

She said, “I am going to leave you standing right here – alone, talking to yourself.”

So I stopped.

Then she said, “I think I’m going to get him a pink sweater.”

*Blink*

And then I started again.

But then I stopped because I was waiting for my coffee from the barista and what’s the fun of doing that without a work girlfriend?

3.  The first thing I do upon waking is to feed the dog his breakfast.  He knows this.  So now, when my alarm goes off, there is no hitting snooze.  I’ve effectively proven Pavlov’s theory and my alarm clock is Little Filthy’s ringing bell.  The alarm goes off and within seconds, Little Filthy has his nose in my hair, my neck, my face, everywhere.

*sigh*

It’s my own fault.

I’m a great cook.