Random Esquire

1.  Sometimes I say something and then have no idea why it came out of my mouth.   I was getting a birthday card for my sister and I decided to get a Thanksgiving Day card for my niece and nephew.  Then I saw these turkey stickers and got those to stick in the envelope.  The sticker package was too long so I had to cut off the top to get them into the envelope.

Except, I don’t have scissors.  Ahhh, but the nice young woman in the corner cubicle by Fresh Express has scissors!

So I knocked lightly on her wall and peeked over. She looked up and smiled.  I said, “Hi, [perfectly nice co-worker]. May I borrow your scissors?”

She said, “Sure!” and picked them up out of a pen cup on her desk to hand them to me and as she did so, I suddenly said one of those stupid things that I think will be funny but oftentimes is not.

I said, “… to cut my toenails.”

She looked up at me looking at her.

And then I grinned broadly.

I made myself grin so she’d know I was kidding.  The thing is, I have a really dry sense of humor and I’ve been told before that people don’t know when I’m joking or when to take me seriously.  But have you ever seen someone grin on purpose?  They just look stupid.

The good news? She laughed.  The even better news?  She said, “You can keep them when you’re done.”

Random FTW!

2.  I’m going to spare you all this story in detail but suffice to say that Fresh Express misunderstood a situation today and briefly believed that I’d had a baby with a co-worker.  A married co-worker.  I admit… the baby may have looked a little like me.  (Basically, Fresh Express rounded a corner and saw me standing next to my co-worker and the baby and she did this slow look from me… to my co-worker…then to the baby…then back to me….  In an instant, we all knew what she was thinking)  *sigh*

But that baby?  Not mine.

This story delighted Instigator to no end who proceeded to tease me mercilessly.

3.  All right, I’m off to head back downtown to see The Addams Family.  Someone please play with the monster.

As you may recall, I watch Jeopardy and am convinced that there is always one jacked up contestant.  Today’s episode began innocently enough with this very normal looking woman:

And to answer your question, yes – I paused the show to take a picture of my television.

NEXT up…was THIS man in a kelly green jacket, yellow shirt and red tie.

I’m not making this shit up, people.  DO YOU RECOGNIZE HIS GLASSES?

Can you believe this guy?  This is what it would look like if Ronald McDonald’s tried to integrate into normal life.

And finally, we had the returning champion.  Who wore a corset.

See? Jeopardy is interesting.

1.  I caught Little Filthy contemplating some doody-snacking this morning.  When I turned a corner, I found him leaning over the box staring at a newly baked potato.  I said, “Hey!” He looked up and wagged his tail.  He only wags his tail when he’s nervous or you scratch his butt.  Monster.

2.  Tonight, I am taking both Boss and Instigator to an event with me.  We’re going to Food and Wine’s Entertaining Showcase at the Museum of Contemporary Art.  There will be some fantastic chefs, incredible food, and some great wine and spirits.  Should be fun.  I hope to have some pictures to share tomorrow.

3.  The Addams Family is opening here in Chicago before heading to Broadway in NYC.  I will be going to see it on Wednesday night.  Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth are in it.    Let’s hope it’s better than Cats.

What the hell is going on with all of you?

1.  I had dinner with Sitcom last night.  You know what’s on the mantle in Sitcom’s home?  One of these. (In fact, I took that picture last night. That’s the actual one from her mantle.)

I don’t have an Emmy Award on my mantle.  Well, I didn’t.  Until I got home.  I wonder if she’ll notice it’s gone?

2.  I’m normally in a pretty darn good mood.  But I admit that the early-hour darkness has taken a bit of a toll on me.  That and feeling like I’ve been serving as an angst receptacle for a number of people.  I thought this wasn’t supposed to happen until February when everyone was downright sick of winter?

3.  Ayup. That’s all I’ve got.

On my way home from the office yesterday, I noticed the woman in front of me shift slightly and start to walk oddly.  She took a few larger than normal steps and then seemed to get back to her normal gait.  I was passing her when she did it again and I sort of leaned back and looked at her and she said, “My underwear is not comfortable.”

*Blink*

Without thinking, I said, “I can tell!”

And that was my Wednesday.

1.  So.  Single Ladies by Beyonce.  Let me tell you how this went.

I put my laptop on the table, pulled up the video on  YouTube and announced to my niece and nephew that it was time to dance.  I hit play.

And they were thoroughly unimpressed.

They stood there and stared at Beyonce dancing and then looked at me.

My niece said, “I don’t want to listen to this anymore.”

My nephew said, “Twinkle twinkle!”

Science FAIL.

2.  Last night I ate gingersnaps before bed.  And in my dreams, I fell in love with a ginger.

BigLittleWolf asked me what would happen if I ate chocolate chip cookies before bed.  So I ran to the corner and got these.

Will let you know how it turns out in the morning.

UPDATE – 8:00 A.M.  I don’t remember my dreams, if I had any.  Clearly, chocolate chip cookies wipe your memory or prevent dream formation.

3.  As you know, I like to take pictures of food.  I may have left out the fantastic loaf of French bread and the french fries I enjoyed.  My niece made them for me.  They were delicious and I enjoyed them with a juice box.  And I may have had an apron on at the time.  A very.  Tiny.  Apron.

Man, check out those little fingers and that cute dress.  Just looking at that picture makes me laugh.  She’s a TINY PERSON.

I had a dream last night.  In my dream, I was in college.  I was in college with Debra Messing.  We were good friends.

And then, one day, while we were walking across a bridge, I said something really cynical.

And Debra Messing laughed and smiled and said something very sweet to me.

And I knew right then that I’d fallen in love with Debra Messing.

And I couldn’t believe how I did not realize it before.

And I suddenly found her beautiful.

And I asked her to marry me.

And then I woke up.

And I turned on my laptop and looked at a picture of Debra Messing.

And in my after-dream glow, I still thought she was sort of hot.

And I’d never thought she was hot before this morning.

And that is why you should not eat ginger snaps before bed.

I spent the past weekend out East, visiting my sister and her family.

1.  My sister’s driver picked me up at the airport.  He doesn’t stand around with a sign, though.  I call him when I land and then he’s there when I walk out.  He had popped the trunk open and so, without really thinking about it, I started putting my bags in the trunk and he ran around and opened the door for me.  I decided that next time, I’d let him lift the bags and I’d open my own car door.  It’s weird.

2.   When I arrived, I met the new nanny.  She is pretty awesome.  My nephew was sleeping and so I took my niece out to lunch.  We ate at a little bistro and, as we left, we passed an obese gentleman.  My niece looked up at me and said, “Why he ate too much?”  There’s little you can say to that.

3.  My nephew is a year and 8 months.  He likes it if you ask him to whisper a secret into your ear.  I leaned down and he whispered something softly into my ear.  I asked my brother-in-law what he said (because the kid is fluent in two languages and choose the one I don’ t understand – and apparently he happens to tell the same secret to everyone).  My brother-in-law said, “We don’t know why but he always whispers the same thing. ‘One egg.’”.

4.  You may recall that my niece has an imaginary friend named Katcho. My niece was pretending to speak on the phone.  She looked at me and said, “I’m speaking with Katcho’s nanny.”  My brother-in-law looked at me and said, “Yeah… we’re on our second degree of separation.”  I laughed.

5.   I told my sister that I wrote about Christmas in our family.  She said, “It’s a transaction.”  I said, “EXACTLY!  I called it prostitution.”  My sister said, “EXACTLY!”

We’re very practical people.

6.  Back home in Chicago, I went to bed last night at 8:30.  No, I’m not kidding.  That’s about 4 hours earlier than usual.  You know why?  Because kids are like Ambien to single people.  I ran and played for three days, soaking in as much of the little ones as possible.   And you know what?

HOLY CRAP, ARE THEY EXHAUSTING.

Do you dance?

I marvel at people who can’t dance.  It just seems normal to move your body to the beat of music.  My best memory about dancing was with one of my first girlfriends who was Puerto Rican.  We shook our money maker down on Miami beach.

I grew up in a relatively musical family.  My sister and I play no less than 7 different instruments between us.  Her children are also growing up with music in the house and will most likely take some sort of instrument lessons.

Anyway, I happen to stumble across this article which asked the pressing question All the Single Babies: Why do Tots Love Beyonce? This question arose after the slew of videos turned up on Youtube of babies dancing to the Single Ladies video.  (See a lot of them here.)   Turns out, according to the article,  babies/tots love high contrast visual stimulation… and a good beat… and repetition.  And her video?  ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Soooooo, I’m going to visit my sister on Thursday.  My niece is 3 1/2.  My nephew is 1 1/2.  Now, when I arrive, my sister and my brother-in-law will still be at work. And it seems only fitting that I give the nanny a break when I arrive, right?

So, it’s gonna be me.

And the kids.

And my laptop.

That’s right.  I’m going to let them watch the video.  Over and over.  And I’m going to film their reaction.

This is for science, people.

For science.

I told Instigator today that I was buying Christmas gifts now so that they would be delivered when I am in NYC this week.  That way, I can wrap them and my sister will be surprised, as well. (She normally ends up wrapping the gifts I ship there.)  It’s all about proper planning.

Instigator asked if my niece and nephew would also be opening the gifts when I was there.  I said no, they would have to wait until Christmas but I was getting gifts now.

Then I said, “We’ve all already exchanged Christmas lists.  We don’t have time to dilly dally.  Christmas is very un-romantic in my family.  We swap lists, we swap money.  It’s a transaction.  If Christmas was sex, it’d be prostitution.”

I know.  It’s hard to believe that Christmas is not a big thing for me.  Especially considering how I took time to explain Easter to Little Filthy.  (“Jesus, cave, blah blah, third day, blah, stone rolled away, blah blah, if he sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of winter.”)

Here’s the thing… we aren’t particularly religious.  This means the whole Jesus thing?  We’re not convinced.  There.  I said it.  Well, at least, my sister and I are open to other options.  Excuse us if we’re cynical.  It happens after each spending four years attending and collectively giving over a quarter of a million dollars to Notre Dame – and getting donation cards in the mail from the University every other week.  Of course, there was also that priest the performed the Black Market Baptism on my sister’s kids for a generous donation to his mission in Sri Lanka.  Then there are all of the hypocrites.  Basically, I don’t care what you believe – as long as you treat people well.  (And, by the way?  Seems Jesus agrees.   Matthew Chapter 25: 31-46.  I knew studying theology would be helpful at some point.)

So, yeah.  Christmas?  EH.  I could take it or leave it.

Having said all that… when I look at my niece, who is 3 1/2 right now, I still want her to feel that Christmas is a special time of year.  I want her to be excited on Christmas morning.  I want her to believe in Santa Claus.  I want her to look forward to giving gifts and experiencing the happiness that comes with giving.  And yes, I hope it will be a year round thing and not just once a year.  I want her to be mesmerized by a Macy’s store window.   I can’t really help it.  I want her to like Christmas.

I know I said I could take or leave Christmas.  But really, Christmas probably isn’t for the taking or leaving – it’s for the giving.  So I’m giving it to my niece and my nephew in all its glory.  I’m giving it in the form of decorations, traditions, colorful paper, big family dinners and lots of time together.  I might just end up loving Christmas.

I’ll let you know.