Random Esquire

Clearly, I take issue with some commercials.  There was the Smuckers one with a kid named Dick Smucker in which the ad actually made a point of his name.  Then there were the two stupid Jif commercials – the one with the loony grandpa who tries to steal his grand daughter’s sandwich (ha ha) and then the one with the kids splitting the last piece of bread.  Then there was the Folgers commercial that made me think that this dancer has to drink coffee to poop.

Well, Folgers, I’m on to you yet again.  Let’s dissect the latest Folgers ad.  I’ll put what happens in the ad in regular print and then I’ll put what Folgers wants you to think in bold print.

It opens with a young man, having just exited a cab, walking up to a very nice house in the snow and ringing the bell.  A young woman answers and he looks confused and says, jokingly, “I must have the wrong house.”  We see he is wearing a backpack that says (in big capital letters) “VOLUNTEER”.   The young woman laughs and points to herself and says, “Sister!”  (This, I assume, was a quick way to let us know that these people are family and he is not home from a war surprising his fiancee.)

FOLGERS MESSAGE:  What a nice young man.  He is a GOOD BOY and he is doing GOOD THINGS somewhere in the world.  And he has a sense of humor!  And his sister, via the transitive property, is also a GOOD GIRL.  They come from a GOOD FAMILY who lives in a nice house.

Walking into the kitchen, the sister says, “They waited up all night for you, you know.”  The brother responds, “It’s a long way from West Africa.”  Then we get a view of the full coffee pot with a large container of Folgers sitting next to it.  The young man closes his eyes and inhales and says, “Ahhhh, coffee.”

FOLGERS MESSAGE:  The parents care about the son.  He has traveled a great distance to be here from West Africa where he does GOOD THINGS.  Not bad things – like helping to run conflict diamonds out of Sierra Leone.  No, he does good things.  But probably not in the Ivory Coast which at one point, was one of the largest coffee producers in the world and can probably still whip up a mean cup of Joe.  But West Africa, people, which should make you think of malaria, starving children, and a denial of all that is comfortable and GOOD.

More after the cut.

At this point, we’ve seen a large stove hood and the kitchen has large, sunny French doors.

FOLGERS MESSAGE:  This family can afford things.  The best things!  Like GOOD coffee.  They drink Folgers.  Therefore, Folgers must be good.  And a luxury item.  A luxury item not found in places like West Africa.  Which has no luxury.  Only blood diamonds.  And volunteers.

The next shot is of the mother in bed, inhaling deeply (quick shot of coffee being poured) and then saying, “He’s here.”  She get’s up.

FOLGERS MESSAGE:  The smell of Folgers is so good, you will get out of bed to drink this luxury item.  Not if you’re a father.   But if you’re a mother?  Then you can smell coffee and diamonds a mile away.  And then you will get out of bed.  And when you do, GOOD things happen – like you realize your son is home from supplying diamonds to De Beers. Oops, from doing GOOD THINGS.

The brother says to the sister as he pours a cup, “Brought you something.”  She says, “Really?”  He hands her a small square package with a bow on it.  She takes the bow off and puts it on his shoulder.  He says, “What’re you doing?”  She responds, “You’re my gift this year.” We get a tight shot of his unshaven, scruffy face, looking touched.

FOLGERS MESSAGE: This GOOD family knows that gifts are not important but that family is important.  The sister is not materialistic and only cares that her brother is home.  But she did not return the gift.  Because she is not stupid, for God’s sake.  The brother’s face is scruffy because he has traveled a long way since his last shave.  Which was in West Africa.  Which he did with a diamond cutting laser.

The Folgers song begins, “The best part of waking up….” then the mom and dad walk into the room and the son hugs the mom. “…is Folgers in your cup.”  The father, whose face we never see – we just see his shoulder – stands there.  Then we get a shot of the coffee maker and cannister of Folgers and we learn that the Folgers company would like to wish us Happy Holidays.

FOLGERS MESSAGE:  Moms love their sons.  And GOOD families have fathers.  Not that the fathers do anything.  But they are there.  And do not abandon their children.  OH – and Happy Generic, Non-Offensive Good Times of the Year From Folgers.

Sometimes, I wonder where I find the time.