Random Esquire

Is…Is it just me or does this look like the beginning of a horror film in which a man kills his girlfriend after luring her to a cottage in the woods?

1.  Dear Tiger Woods,

We know something’s up.

Shady.

Signed,

People who don’t really care beyond that point.

2.  Dear Couple who crashed the White House State Dinner,

WTH is wrong with you attention whores?

Dear Secret Service,

WTF.

Dear V.P.

Quit letting strange women put their hand on your chest and get a picture snapped.

Shady.

Signed,

Taxpayer.

3.  Dear Italian Public Prosecutor Guliano Mignini,

Are you the same public prosecutor that tapped the cell phone of Crime Novelist Doug Preston?  And bugged his partner’s car?  And dragged Preston down to Perugia to interrogate him and accused him of being an accessory to murder – all because he and his partner asked some questions about the serial killer in Florence who was never caught?   Right – you’re the one on trial for abuse of office and conflict of interest, correct?

You’re the same guy prosecuting Amanda Knox, right?

Just checking.

Shady.

Signed,

We’ve got our eye on you.

Clearly, I take issue with some commercials.  There was the Smuckers one with a kid named Dick Smucker in which the ad actually made a point of his name.  Then there were the two stupid Jif commercials – the one with the loony grandpa who tries to steal his grand daughter’s sandwich (ha ha) and then the one with the kids splitting the last piece of bread.  Then there was the Folgers commercial that made me think that this dancer has to drink coffee to poop.

Well, Folgers, I’m on to you yet again.  Let’s dissect the latest Folgers ad.  I’ll put what happens in the ad in regular print and then I’ll put what Folgers wants you to think in bold print.

It opens with a young man, having just exited a cab, walking up to a very nice house in the snow and ringing the bell.  A young woman answers and he looks confused and says, jokingly, “I must have the wrong house.”  We see he is wearing a backpack that says (in big capital letters) “VOLUNTEER”.   The young woman laughs and points to herself and says, “Sister!”  (This, I assume, was a quick way to let us know that these people are family and he is not home from a war surprising his fiancee.)

FOLGERS MESSAGE:  What a nice young man.  He is a GOOD BOY and he is doing GOOD THINGS somewhere in the world.  And he has a sense of humor!  And his sister, via the transitive property, is also a GOOD GIRL.  They come from a GOOD FAMILY who lives in a nice house.

Walking into the kitchen, the sister says, “They waited up all night for you, you know.”  The brother responds, “It’s a long way from West Africa.”  Then we get a view of the full coffee pot with a large container of Folgers sitting next to it.  The young man closes his eyes and inhales and says, “Ahhhh, coffee.”

FOLGERS MESSAGE:  The parents care about the son.  He has traveled a great distance to be here from West Africa where he does GOOD THINGS.  Not bad things – like helping to run conflict diamonds out of Sierra Leone.  No, he does good things.  But probably not in the Ivory Coast which at one point, was one of the largest coffee producers in the world and can probably still whip up a mean cup of Joe.  But West Africa, people, which should make you think of malaria, starving children, and a denial of all that is comfortable and GOOD.

More after the cut.

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Remember that jackass who made up sniglets?  words that aren’t in the dictionary but should be?

Well, I’ve got two I’d like him to brainstorm on.

A)  That bogus thin strip of bacon on the end of a package;

and

B)  That bit of hardened lotion that gets stuck in the pump and causes the lotion to squirt on the wall unexpectedly.

BOGUS.

Oh, and while we’re at it, do you know what Jergen’s lotion looks like on the wall?

Ayup.

I showed this to Little Filthy.  He stared at it.  Then he stared at me.  And then he went to get a drink and use his box.

I take it that’s a “No, I’m not doing that.”

Man, I thought my niece would love that.

Want one?

I’m not really sure what it is about QTMama that makes me want to try to offend her so terribly.  There was that one time I wrote a poem about her being a whore.  And then I may have tried to get her to use the phrase “hotdog down a hallway”.  Hrm.  But nothing bothers her.  She’s impervious to it.

This past Saturday night, I got a text message from her at 11:30.  Here’s how it went.

*****

QTMama: It’s 11:30 in Chicago.  What is Cookie up to?

RE: One hand is diddling a woman, the other is texting you.

QTMama: Liar!  What woman?

RE: One with a great big ol’ vagina.  I’m inside her now, texting.  It’s nice and warm and I can feel her pulse. It’s very intimate.

QTMama: LIAR!  You can’t fingerbang and text at the same time!

RE: Dude, I’m totally inside her vag.  It’s cavernous.  Wait.  Wait a second.  Is….  Is this *your* huge vag??

It must be!  There are pictures of Em hung on the walls.  Aww.  That’s sweet.  Very intimate.

QTMama: Dude.  My Vag is Awesome.

RE: What are YOU up to tonight?

QTMama: I am hanging out with my new guy.  So cute.  Cute boy plus me!

RE: Are you giving him a hand job while texting?

QTMama: No!  We’ve not had sex.  Goof.

RE: I must multi-task better than you.  I’ve had sex with 3 women while we’ve been texting.

QTMama: False.

RE: I’m chilling out at home tonight after guys night last night.  Nothing exciting.  Glad your date is going well!

QTMama: It so is!

RE: I mean, going well for you.  Not for him.  If it was going well for him, he’d at least be getting a handjob or something.

*****

So!  As you may know, QT is in Florida right now and we are texting this minute.  I am trying to convince her to let me do a guest post on her blog.

I suggested the idea and she said, “Oh! You could, sure!  Good idea.  Wait.  About what?”

I said, “OH I COULD COME UP WITH A FEW THINGS.”

She said, “I know.  That sort of worries me.”

**rubbing hands together evilly**

Stay tuned.

No.  No bath please.

However, he loves being dried off and given a towel massage.

It’s possible that I may have, perhaps, once or twice… referred to Bobby Flay as a douchebag.  And it’s possible that an acquaintance of his may have asked me what BOBBEH (in my head I am hearing Whitney Houston scream that) Flay ever did to me?  And I then had to explain that I was referring to his public persona which I find insufferable.  And you know what?  I’m not alone.

Google reveals much.  Many secrets. For instance, why do I have this headache?

More mysteries of life after the cut.

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I went to see The Addams Family musical (with Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth as Gomez and Morticia, respectively) last night.  It is premiering in Chicago before heading to Broadway.  I was recently in NYC and it is heavily advertised there so it is nice to get a jump on seeing this prior to its wide debut.

Below is my review along with some spoilers so if you want to be completely surprised by the musical, I wouldn’ t suggest reading this. Though, in reality, nothing I write in text really compares to seeing Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth on stage.  Also, please note that this musical is in previews (as has been pointed out in the comments) and so it is a work in progress still (I think that’s what it means) and so your experience may be even better than my own.  Enjoy.

ALL AFTER THE CUT.

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