Random Esquire

1. I am blogging while waiting for the train to go to the theatre. Left work to go feed Little Filthy and go for a quick walk before heading to the show. It’s chilly but feels good to get out.

2. A co-worker was diagnosed with swine flu today. Viva la hand sanitizer.

3. You know what is the best thing about the chillier weather? Women in black leather boots with 3 inch heels. Lordy.

4. The worst part? Women in Uggs. Please to be cutting that out.

5. Lots of dudes on the train. All balding. That would suck. But maybe they don’t give a shit.

6. I saw a woman walking in my building today and she was chewing something. And I thought that if I had to look at her chew for the rest of my life, I’d be unhappy.

7. Behind her was a woman with a very wide jaw and mouth. Unusually wide. I almost expected her to lick her lips and her tongue to dart out to nab a fly.

8. Apparently I am sort of an ass on Wednesdays.

You know what I find refreshing?

Not giving a shit.

Have you tried this?  It’s fantastic.  It’s very freeing.  Now, I don’t mean about important stuff – but about stuff that you know shouldn’t really bother you.

I certainly try to be sensitive to how other people feel but there comes a point where you really can’t overly concern yourself with it.  I have had similar conversations with both QTMama and Besos in which each will tell me why they are upset about something that has happened to them and both will wonder why I do not get upset in similar circumstances and my response is: “Oh, that’s easy… see, I don’t give a shit.”

I don’t know why some of these things don’t bother me more.  Maybe they should.  But probably I don’t care enough to try caring more about it.  So that’s my bit of unsolicited advice for the day.  The next time you’re all worked up about something and it really isn’t doing you a damn bit of good – just don’t give a shit.

But what the hell do I know?

I like saying this.  I know it creates this impression of not taking responsibility for something I’ve just said – but that sometimes strikes me as funny, especially when it is clear that I feel very strongly about something.  Other times, however, I like to make it clear that I really don’t know what I’m talking about.

Because, let’s face it – sometimes I don’t.  And I think that’s okay.  I might think I do.  But maybe I don’t.  Who knows?  I know I’m ignorant on a vast array of issues.  I can’t be bothered enough to pretend I know something I don’t.  But I might still have an opinion.  I don’t know everything about the Iraq war but I have an opinion on it.  So I might express it.  And follow it with, “But what the hell do I know?” because really, I know I’m a little bit ignorant about it.  And I don’t care if people know.  Maybe they’ll fill me in with the details.

Who knows.

Who gives a shit?

1.  I think the response regarding Cry Pushers was interesting.

Mainly, I was curious about the response regarding men crying.  Now, this is just an observation on my part and not solely limited to the observations made from the comments…but it seems like, in general, women don’t mind a guy who cries over death or a real life dramatic event – and tearing up in a movie is okay – but outright crying over general stress or outright crying from a movie is unacceptable.  Is that right?  I find that very interesting.

Personally…I never cry over my own situation.  Or, at least, I can’t remember the last time I did.  I just feel I have very little to be upset about.  It isn’t that my life is all butterscotch and whiskey, it’s just …well, it’s pretty darn good and I’m pretty darn happy and I consider myself very, very lucky.

But there is something that does make me cry, almost without fail – well, maybe not cry outright but I tear up and get upset.  If I see my mother or my sister cry, it makes me feel lousy.  Just lousy.  It’s the worst.  How could anyone stand it?  Ugh, that’s misery, seeing someone that hurt.

The other odd thing…I don’t really cry when upset but I do definitely have a bad physical reaction.  Twice in my life, I’ve received news that upset me very badly.  My reaction?  I threw up.  I just walked into the bathroom and got sick.  Then I walked out and took care of business.  Weird, huh?  Throwing up is the new crying.

2.  Okay, I took more pictures of books and included a random fact with each picture – some more revealing than you’d typically see from me.  Oh well.  Since I’m now posting body parts, what’s a few random facts?  They are behind the cut to spare you.

(more…)

1.  I can be a bit of a private individual and am usually loathe to pry into the private lives of others.  One thing I enjoy, though, is looking at a person’s bookshelf.  So I decided to take a picture of part of my bookshelf and post a picture.  Won’t you do the same on your blog?  I want to see what I might learn about you from the picture.  Here is my picture which you may click to enlarge.  Try to contain the excitement.

2.  I saw Besos this weekend.  We had not spent any substantive time together since early September and, well, perhaps we’re re-evaluating.  Time will tell.

Anyway, we had a relaxing Saturday night after I spent the day with family and she with friends.  Then, this morning, both Little Filthy and I bounced off the walls until Besos couldn’t take it any more.   I was excited because the Chicago Marathon was this morning and the runners go right past my place.  When the Elite runners were a mile away, we went outside and cheered them on.  Then went inside and rewound the televised coverage until we saw ourselves cheering them on.

3.  I don’t know why he doesn’t just go to bed.  He just falls asleep on the couch once the television is on.

4.  Are you a sucker for anything?  I’m a sucker for winking and terms of endearment.  It’s a little bit ridiculous, really.

5.  I just typed “Love is an unusual thing.”  Then, in my head, I thought to myself “Make one man weep, make another man sing.”  And then I wondered where the hell my mind had pulled that random line so I googled it.

Ayup.  Huey Lewis, Power of Love.

**hangs head in shame**

I was having a little tete-a-tete, so to speak, with MindyMom tonight and she mentioned chocolates, wine, and the Lifetime channel.  I asked if she was really watching Lifetime and she said she wasn’t …but if The Notebook was on, she probably would be.

*gag*

I informed Mindy that I’d rather claw my eyes out.  Her response? “It’s good. I cry every time.”

WTH?

You know what I’m watching?  Your Worst Animal Nightmares.  Description of tonight’s episode: “A shark attacks a group of swimmers, ripping off one person’s leg; the first victim of a funnel-web-spider bite is treated with a new anti-venin.”

Guess what?

No crying.

I informed Mindy that I don’t like depressing movies.  She told me that The Notebook isn’t depressing and then she dared me to watch it without crying.

Dude.  But I don’t want to cry.  Who the hell wants to cry?  I don’t remember when I last cried.

Mindy said, “You have to watch it!  You’ll cry!”

And that’s when I realized who I was dealing with.  You see,…

Mindy is a Cry Pusher.

You have be on alert for Cry Pushers.  What they do is identify a moment of weakness and then swoop in with a soothing whisper of, “It’s okay…let it out.”   Everyone once in a while, you’ll get the hard core Cry Pusher who will try this one: “It feels good.”

But, you argue, I have nothing to cry about.

Oh, says the Cry Pusher, You just need a movie.  Here, take this.

And then they hand you Love Story or The Notebook, looking pleased.

That’s right.  They give you something to cry about.  Remember when that used to be a threat?  When your mom or dad would say that they’d give you something to cry about?  Well, that’s now an over-the-counter drug.  The dealer?

Cry Pushers.

I have a cold.  I think I’m blowing my nose incorrectly.  Because one time, my ears squeaked.  And then today, I blew my nose and got lightheaded.  My lung capacity exceeds my nostril capacity.  Apparently.

In an effort to creatively relieve said sinus issue, I decided to use a neti pot.  Have you heard of these things?  It’s like a little teapot and you lean over and pour water in one nostril, it mixes with your sinus juices and all comes out the other nostril.  No kidding.  Some people swear by them and hell, I’m game for anything that borderlines healthy and humorous torture.

Now, if you’ve never used one of these things, I’ll explain what it feels like.

Like you’re being waterboarded.

Okay, that’s not true.  It’s just that the feeling of water all up in your face parts is a not-all-together enjoyable feeling and the instinct to prevent it kicks in a little.  I’m not entirely sure what some people are doing with their neti pot because I read some websites where users commented on the vile nature of the end product exiting their nostril.  What the hell is in their nose?

This, of course, made me think of what things you could put into your neti pot for fun.  Until I found a you tube video of a guy who put hydrogen peroxide and cayenne pepper in his neti pot.  Or this jackass who used coca-cola.

What a bunch of idiots.

I’d never let someone film me doing that.

1.  I had clean laundry on my bed.  I put it on the floor so I could go to sleep.  Then I got up and went to work.  When I got home, I changed clothes and left some on the floor.  Multiply this by 3 days in a row.  I ended up having to wash everything over. What’s wrong with me?

2. It’s very rewarding to feed Little Filthy his dinner.  First, he couldn’t be more eager to eat.  Second, he always likes what you made.  He licks the bowl clean.  And third, there are no dishes.

And I may have made him howl for my entertainment tonight in honor of the full moon.

3.  One of the attorneys in the office informed us that her sales person referred to a force majeure clause as a force du jour clause.   This, in the legal field, is high comedy.

4.  I am currently recovering for a cold.  I sometimes wish I could have a live action replay of what I did that gave me said cold.  It would be in slow motion and you’d hear Madden in the background as he did the live action call: “Ohhh, see that right there?  The hand, the hand touched the chair on the train and then made contact with the nose. That’s gonna settle in for 7 to 14 days.”

5.  I don’t like the sound made when a woman with long fingernails scratches her head. Ew.

1.  I made beef stew this weekend.  I am not entirely sure why because I don’t even really like beef stew.  But I have a lot of it.  Then I discovered that it was pretty good if I ate it with cottage cheese.  Yes, seriously.

note to self:  more fruits and vegetables.

2.  It occurred to me today that I don’t recall the last time I saw a truck.  Which is fine, really.  I did, however, see a Grand Am today and my first thought was, “What a douche.”   This is also my first thought upon seeing a Hummer.  Car named after a blow job.  And then the Yukon.  Car named after a potato.  Idiots.

3.  David Letterman.  Having sex with employees.  You know, good thing he got blackmailed.  Now he can look like a victim, too.  What a douche.

4.  Instigator told me about a deal she got to get her teeth bleached.  I decided…what the hell?  So I got my teeth bleached on Thursday.  Before I left, I smiled at our receptionist and said, “Remember these teeth.  I’m coming back with whiter ones.”  When I returned to the office, I smiled at her again and said, “Did you see my teeth walk off of the elevator?”  She looked up and said, “You’re so crazy.”

5.  Remember that one day?  That one day when I thought it’d be awesome to put food on the counter and teach my dog to jump up and grab it?  And how I thought it’d make for some awesome pictures?  Yeah, you remember that?

So does Little Filthy.

I shudder to think what harm I’d do to a child.

1.  I don’t understand when people text or IM: “What?”  It’s in print.  Just re-read it.  Just as stupid is when someone writes “um”.

2.  Whoopi Goldberg needs to read the Grand Jury testimony of Polanski’s victim.  If that’s not rape….oh wait, It Totally Is.

3.  I have a cold.  My nose will just suddenly run.  Just,…out of the blue.  and like before, when it does, it feels like my face wet its pants.

4.  I’m sorry I am so slow in responding to comments.  I love reading them.  I will be better.

5.  On my walk home from work, I cross a street on to which many cars are trying to make a left turn.  Those cars get a left turn arrow which then disappears – meaning that they no longer have the right of way and must wait for pedestrians to cross the street on to which they are turning.  Got the scene?  Want story? here I go.

So!  I waited at the corner while the cars turned left and then the arrow disappeared and I got a walk signal.  I stepped out into the intersection and a car came to a screeching halt about 4 feet from me.  A woman in her car was turning left and did not look to see if people were crossing the street.

I was momentarily stunned and I stopped for a moment, taking it in.  At this point, she yelled and drove forward another foot.

And that…is when I got angry.

I held my hand out toward the car and said, “COOL IT” – because crossing the street immediately by me was a man and woman with their baby in a stroller.  The driver crept closer to all three of us who were staring at her.  She came within no more than two feet of the three of them.

And that…is when the father got angry.

The man put his hands on the roof of her car, standing in front of it as if he was going to push it backwards and he waited while his wife crossed the street, yelling at her while she yelled back.

What did I do?  I stood next to him and pointed my camera phone at her.

You know what?  It freaked her the fuck out.

Which, it turns out, wasn’t really necessary.

Because I didn’t have time to actually get a picture before we both got out of her way and she burned rubber down the street.

But this is known as The Camera Defense.  Boss used to tease me about this but I am a firm believer that most people will act like complete assholes if they think it is a relatively private affair.  But if you point your camera phone at them, they usually get their shit together pretty quickly.  Once, on our way to the lake with Little Filthy, I honked at a guy who was straying out of his lane into mine.   At the next light, we were next to each other – me on the right side of him.  He started to yell at me so I picked up my camera phone and pointed it at him and his wife instantly turned and told him to STFU and stop it.

Point of the story?

PAPA BEAR FTW!

The Camera Defense FTW!