Women, Peanut Butter, Apples, Women. What are things I like to have for lunch, Alex?
1. Yesterday, on my way home from work, I was in a train car with a positively stunning woman. She was blonde, wearing a skirt and heels and had great legs. She had very blue eyes. She looked about 45 or so. Perhaps closer to 50. Partly what made her look so stunning was that she was so elegant looking. We got off at the same stop. I live near a dance studio and I was unsurprised to see her walk into the front door. Ahhh, a dancer. Well, that explains the legs. Anyway, I remembered the incident because in my head, I thought to myself, “Ah, now she is a woman.”
2. Yes, everybody, peanut butter goes bad. Besos had managed to find a jar of peanut butter from the back of some cupboard that had gone untouched since my break-up with Boss. How do I know this? Because Boss likes creamy peanut butter and I like chunky. Besos had found some old jar of creamy peanut butter.
Only spoiled kids get creamy peanut butter. Down to earth kids get chunky. We have to make that shit creamy. In our mouths.
3. Kennedy came into my office yesterday and I tossed him one of the apples I had brought in with me. We sat there with our feet on my desk and ate apples. And talked about apples. And we both decided that honey crisp apples are great. Any mushy apples suck it. And we wondered who was eating mushy apples? And then I remembered this entry in which I told this story:
“Speaking of Boss, the other day, we were in the grocery store buying apples. Actually, we were buying many different things because we have bulk buying issues. However, at this point, we were in front of the apples. There were quite a few varieties to choose from. She said she likes softer apples. I said I like crisp apples. She said she doesn’t like it when a big piece breaks off when she takes a bite. I said I love it! And we stood there and stared at each other as if we’d never met. No one thinks to ask these important questions until it’s too late and you fall in love and then you’re stuck buying two different kinds of apples for eternity.”
4. You know, in retrospect, I’d have chosen a different nickname for Besos on my blog. Perhaps a name that was more than one letter away from the nickname of my Ex. I’m pretty sure that one day I will screw up and and swap Besos for Boss or Boss for Besos and then I will have at least one woman angry with me.
And I’m pretty sure that woman will be a Latina sporting some Mexitude.
And if you’ve got any goddamn sense at all… you know… you know never to screw with a Mexitude-fueled Latina.
Of course, the problem is that I have so little sense at all.
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
October 28th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
You live by a dance studio ? So awesome !
I have a dance studio in the back of our house, and it’s my dream come true, with hard wood floors, mirrors, AC, a stereo system and a DVD player.
Speaking of Besos, I thought that you might like to know that there is a lingerie shop close to where I live called Besos.
Crisp apples with crunchy peanut butter rocks !
October 28th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Indeed, I do. I very large one, in fact. My friend, The Ballerina, took classes there. And on my walk from the office, I can look up from the street and see the Joffrey Ballet studio – complete with practicing ballerinas. Today, in fact, I stopped and snapped a picture with my phone and sent it to The Ballerina.
-R.
October 28th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Mushy apples? What’s the point? I was just thinking about grade school and the kids who brought Golden Delicious apples in their lunch. Pathetic. It’s the apple equivalent of the weakling on the beach in whose face you kick sand. (Though, really, did that ever happen to anyone? Has anyone ever been the sand-kicker *or* the sand-kickee?)
I like Honey Crisps, for sure. Mostly, Gala is my go-to apple. I like a Red Delicious if it’s crisp, but too often they’re mushy. I often bake with Granny Smiths.
And I buy creamy peanut butter but I prefer crunchy. And I live alone. So what the hell is that about?
October 28th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
@Beth – Red Delicious! They are my bete noire of apples! Boooooo. I didn’t even know they were *ever* crisp. I flushed two of those puppies down the toilet when I was a kid because they sucked so hard and my father STILL likes to remind me of it.
And WTF. Who are you buying that creamy PB for?
And marry me already, would you?
October 28th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
I totally stole your chunky peanut butter quote…. FYI. You continue to crack me up on a daily basis….
October 28th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
1. sons like crisp as do I (granny smith, fuji, gala, sometimes braeburn.)
2. we do not buy soft apples.
3. soft apples, mushy brains.
4. more critical as romantic predictor: garlic.
5. the world divides into garlic lovers / non garlic lovers.
6. men who write shakespearean sonnets about garlic are a special breed.
7. to be honored, and served apples and honey for dessert, following recitation of garlic sonnet.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:07 am
Ah, my dear RE. How I have missed thee and thy quirky but apt humor.
Apple choices as a test of compatibility? Who else could have thought that one up.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:09 am
I’m sorry, I would have to dump a man who didn’t love garlic. I didn’t know such people even existed. That’s just….. wrong.
I apparently do not care enough about apples though. I’m not a fan of mushy, but I don’t really know the difference between one variety and the next. Maybe I’m apple agnostic?
October 29th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Yes, indeed, there is such a thing as a crisp Red Delicious apple, which, when located and eaten, are both red and delicious. Sometimes, though, I just buy a bag of them to put in a bowl on my table in honor of fall. They’re a very pretty color.
I don’t know who the hell I’m buying creamy peanut butter for. Guests, I guess. I’ll buy some chunky peanut butter today.
And again with the half-assed proposal! : o )
October 29th, 2009 at 8:10 am
@Courtney – Did you tell someone you were forced to make creamy peanut butter in your mouth? We’re sufferers.
@BigLittleWolf – So many people like garlic. I think cilantro divides the world more dramatically.
@Amira – My sense of humor is quirky? I thought I made perfect sense.
@Jane Wonder – I’m laughing because I thought you were going to say “Maybe I’m apple ignorant” but you went to ‘agnostic’, which cracks me up.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Cilantro. BLECH. Disgusting, soapy-tasting herb.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Great…now I’ve got a craving for eating crunchy peanut butter while watching older women dance.
THANKS RE. Jeesh.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:58 am
How cool that you live near a dance studio.
I have to laugh that as I logged on to the computer and pulled up your blog that I was eating an apple and chunky peanut butter. Crisp apples and chunky peanut butter rule!!
October 29th, 2009 at 11:55 am
I think nutty peanut butter is like an acquired taste that comes with age. I used to hate it but now I like the crunchiness. And crisp apples are must. I don’t like my fruit soggy. Unless its a watermelon or canteloupe I suppose they are always soggy. Oh wait, most other fruits are too.
Off topic… one of my female coworkers asked me today at lunch if my pubes were blond since my hair is. It came up because my pants were unzipped because their getting too small and I was like, wouldn’t it be funny if you could see some stubble (not that it would really be funny). Can you believe the timing?!?! I told her the story about Howard Stern and Pamela Anderson.
October 29th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
You are so, so funny.
You’re killin’ me!
I like creamy peanut butter. I don’t like the occasional sharp nut in there, it’s jarring, the same goes for croutons in a salad.
Who would ever like a soft apple?! Gag.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
@Beth – For real? Cilantro is awesome!
*sigh* I am losing faith about our marriage, Beth.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
@CBG – You know, you really could have gone to so many really, really bad places with the list of items you combined there. So really, I think you got off easy there.
@MissMegs – That is fantastic. You have some curious co-workers.
@Krystie – sharp nuts? Have you been getting your peanut butter from some clown selling it at the corner of the park?
October 30th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Yup, for real. Cilantro is one of the most vile-tasting substances on the planet.
A friend once made cilantro pesto, a new recipe that he was so excited to share with me. He used it on a pasta salad. I took one polite bite and could barely swallow it.
I must have the “I hate cilantro” gene. That, and I’m a supertaster. Combine the two and you get my Mr. Yuk reaction to it, as seen here: http://bethkujawski.blogspot.com/2008/05/blech.html
Yes, sadly, our marriage may be doomed.