Random Esquire

1. I like to say “Don’t drop your blob.”  By that, I mean, basically, Don’t have a cow.  I think I say it because it sounds a little gross. And British. The British can get away with sayings things like that.  Like bangers and mash. Or spotted dick.

This reminds me of an old British joke…

One day, when her husband had gone off to work at the Parliament, this Brits-woman has three of her lovers come over to sport her royally in bed.  Her husband came home early and walked right on in the bedroom to see her with the three men.  He gasped and said, “‘Allo, ‘allo, ‘allo!”  And the wife says, hands on her hips, “Aren’t you going to say hello to me?”

…which is a much funnier joke when told by Michael Caine.

2.  What’s tarnation?

I ask because I was about to leave a blog comment and say, “What in tarnation…?” but then I realized that I don’t know what tarnation is.  So instead, I typed, “What the Sam Hill…?”  but then I realized that I don’t know who Sam Hill was or is.  So I googled them.  But by then, I forgot what I was going to say.

3.  Besos decided to have an English muffin for breakfast on Saturday.  She asked where I kept the peanut butter and I told her.  A short while later, I looked up when I heard Besos making a weird guttural noise.  She was standing at the kitchen counter with half a peanut-buttered English muffin in her hand.  Her mouth was wide open and her eyebrows were furrowed together.  She reached over and picked up the jar of peanut butter and made a loud noise before walking over to the trash can, popping it open and leaning over to let the offending material drop from her mouth.  She grabbed the jar of peanut butter and held it out to me.

It expired in May.

May 2008.

How’d that get in there?

QTMama’s recent entry about mis-hearing things reminded me of an incident from law school.  I had been participating in a mock appellate hearing regarding disability law and had traveled to Milwaukee with my ‘co-counsel’ to argue in front of some judges.  Our mentor throughout this journey was a very intelligent attorney who was in a wheelchair; he provided incredible insight and clarity into disability law.

Following a rather stressful day of arguing, my team sat around in a local bar in Milwaukee discussing how we would thank our mentor.  We had all had a few to drink.  Someone suggested something from Milwaukee’s art museum or an engraved gavel.  The conversation went something like this:

A female teammate said, “Let’s get him a pap smear.”

This caught my attention.

I said, “What?”

She said, “You know…a pap smear.”  The rest of the team nodded, thinking this was a good idea.

I said, “Are you kidding?  That’s a lousy gift!”

She looked offended.  “It’s not a serious gift…just something small along with his real gift…to remember our trip.”

I said, “What the heck is wrong with you people? First of all, that’s a lousy fucking gift.  Second, he’s a man!  How the hell is he doing to get a pap smear?!”

They all burst out laughing.  My female teammate said, “I said a Pabst Beer!”

oh.

I get it now.