Random Esquire

1.  Editor and I met up last night for a night of Guy Stuff.  This involved hitting a local pub, having a few drinks and then some basketball.  Have you tried drunk basketball?  I recommend it.  The night was just what the doctor ordered after my week of somehow experiencing Kübler-Ross Stages of Grief without actually having lost anyone.

2.  Long walk with Little Filthy this morning and brunch with Boss.  The monster waited patiently under the table while we ate.

3.  Yesterday, a co-worker showed me a Macy’s ad and asked me if I noticed anything unusual about it.  She said, “Trust me, you’ll know when you see it.”  And sure enough…something caught my eye.  I snapped a picture of it for your benefit.

4.  I will be attending an Emmy party at a friend’s place tomorrow evening.  Said friend actually won an Emmy last year. Another friend who will also be attending said party is, I am quite sure, sleeping her way through award winners.  So far, she’s slept with an Oscar winner and an Emmy winner.  I suggested she skip the Grammy’s and I believe she has her eye out for a handsome Pulitzer.  Good luck with that.

I started this morning by putting Egg Beaters in my coffee.  It registered as I brought the cup to my lips.  I still took a sip.  Which should tell you that my judgment at 6 a.m. is questionable.

When I got to the office, I stuck my head in Instigator’s office and said, “Coffee?”  She was neck deep in something so I told her I’d run to get it.  Have I mentioned that Instigator is my work girlfriend?  This is why I know that she drinks a grande iced Americano with extra ice.  I went to Starbucks and picked up coffee and breakfast for her.  I walked into her office and reached out to hand her coffee…

…and she looked different.

I paused as she was talking and tried to figure it out.  She looked nice, which is usual – but something was different.  She looked Extra Nice.

I said, “You look nice.  Did you get your hair done?”

She looked at me, touched her hair and said, “No…this is the I just rolled out of bed look.”

I opened my mouth to say something and shut it quickly.  And then she burst out laughing while I turned red realizing that I’d more or less said she’d look good rolling out of bed.

This is how my day began, folks. (more…)

I might have tried to break into buildings this trip.

And I may have trespassed.

And maybe I jumped on to the top of moving train from a bridge.

Maybe I cheered on as Lynchseattle drove 120 mph in his Porsche.

And maybe I took pictures in a restaurant kitchen by talking my way in.

And maybe French women smell the best.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

I am at O’Hare right now. Airports are great places to observe people. This reminds me of the Costa Rica trip and one of those times when I realize that I have an extremely dry sense of humor.

While at the Costa Rica airport and while Besos wandered around, a woman came up to me and nodded toward the seat next to me and said, “Is someone sitting there?” I looked at the empty space next to me as if confused and said, “No…it’s empty.” But I said it in a way that sort of implied that *she* was seeing someone there. She paused and stared at me and I grinned back. She snorted, finally understanding and sat down, grinning. I’m an asshole.

I’m currently sitting next to an older couple with massive bags spread out. They just had a conversation about what sections of the paper they were reading and expensive airport food. The husband said, “Do you have your PB&J?” She responded, “I have my peanut butter!” And then I glanced up at the young woman seated across from me who overheard and happened to glance up at me and we both grinned. She said hello and I’ve since learned that she’s an ER doctor. She asked what I do for a living and I told her I was an attorney. And then I said, “Well, I hope we aren’t sitting next to each other because you’re boring.” She said, “And you’re a jerk.” Who says doctors and lawyers don’t get along?

(And yes…she knew I was kidding.)

Off to board – more from Seattle!

Last year, I went to Oprah’s Season Premiere.  No lie. WHY do have I have an entire Oprah category on my blog?  OH IT IS A LONG STORY.  That started here.  Don’t skip the great tale of how I took my father to see Diana Ross.  So, I probably didn’t mention…but we shook hands when I attended her show.  And, as I predicted, I was healed of all maladies.  This despite my pressuring her staff to serve pancakes at a movie preview.  All of this Oprah Mania capped off most recently when I took my mother to see Tina Turner and we saw Tom Cruise AND Oprah there.  SERIOUSLY.

Today is her Season Premiere downtown and I fully admit…I’ve got my camera in hand.  So!  I may be back with pictures of a cracked out Whitney.

If I’m lucky, she’ll be jerking off at a bar.

Updated – just saw Oprah filming on top of a double-decker bus.  Oprah’s in full swing.

I was with a buddy at a bar this weekend, having a beer.  I watched as he reached into a bowl of peanuts, grabbed some, turned his hand over, shook it a little and then bumped it against his mouth, tossing in a few peanuts from the opening he created by loosening his thumb and forefinger.  Can you picture this?

Good.

I said, “Dude.”

He said, “What?”

I waited while he reached for more peanuts and recreated the entire scene.

I grinned.

He said, “What, you asshole?”

I said, “Do that whole thing again…except, without peanuts in your hand.  Just go through the motions.”

He did.

I grinned.

Then he yelled, “OH I GET IT.  It looks like I’m jerking off.”

Bingo.

Self-awareness.  Coming to a bar near you.

I am, for the most part, in a perpetual good mood.  But there are days in which I get completely fed up with things, when I want yell, and when I need to purge the system.  Today is that day.   Let’s begin by blowing off steam.  As I sometimes hate the sound of even my own complaining, the rest is behind a the cut.

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1. This story cracks me up.  This guy wants to get away from his wife so he goes into a bank with a bb gun, tells the teller to fork over the money and…oh, also call the police.  Then he hung around until they came to get him.

Jail > Wife.

2.  I woke up this morning looking down a double-barrel, sawed off shotgun.  Except, really, it was Little Filthy’s nose practically against my forehead.

Breakfast > Sleep.

3.  I want to go on The Amazing Race.  And I can tell you right now that Besos and I can not do this together.  We would kill each other.  Especially if any part of the race involved sending text messages to each other.  For some reason, our skill at sending text messages is along the lines of two tin cans and some string.

So….who’s volunteering?

Sometimes…your prey falls to the ground where it is unable to escape.

1.  On my train ride home today, I saw across an older teen / young twenty-something guy and something about him struck me as particularly odd.  I couldn’t put my finger on it right away but then I realized what it was – he was wearing huge sunglasses.  Not just any kind of big-ass sunglasses.  But huge 1980′s style glasses.  These were straight-up, hard core, 1980′s Ms. Garrett, Sister Mary, Tootsie glasses.  In sunglass form.

I gawked a bit.

As it happens, I’d been shooting some texts back and forth with my Buddy and I decided to snap a picture of said sunglasses to send on over to get a second opinion.  Now, I am normally not one to snap pictures of random strangers but there you have it.  I am human and I have weaknesses and one of them is that I sometimes find some assholery excusable if it makes me laugh. Okay?  On to the picture taking.

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