Random Esquire

For those of you who know me, you may know that I am a fan of art and people pursuing their art.  Hence Little Filthy captured by Abby McMillen…  and a serigraph I hold dear in my hallway which was my first art purchase, years ago…and a rendition of me and 3 of my close friends by artist Lauri Apple – you may have seen her art on Wonkette.  Lauri captured Perez Hilton and his goldendoodle in ink – making Teddy Hilton, Hipster Goldendoodle.  Perez himself thanked her via Twitter.  heh.  Now, Lauri has captured our very own Little Filthy and someone… *whistling*  Who??  You can be the judge.  Check it out after the cut.

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1.  Little Filthy is donating a library to a local elementary school.  His portrait is going to hang over the Berenstain Bears bookshelf.

The artist?  A good friend – Abby McMillen – whose Folk Dogs are soon going to appear on boxes of Barkwheats.  She was recently featured on Phetched.

2.  As you may recall from the *cough* asshole conversation *cough*, a friend wished to set me up.  Circumstances prevented me from attending an event at which I would have met her and really, that was fine with me.  Frankly, I don’t know how I would have ever explained why I was looking under her dress to see if she had a peg leg.  I shouldn’t joke.  Like I said, she could be a perfectly nice whoman.

3.  Instigator and I had lunch today.  I can’t wait to take a picture of her eyeball because if you thought my eyeball was interesting, wait until you get a load of that ball-o-color.

4.  Little Filthy tore another pad off his paw.  This time the other back paw.  And this time, he ate the bandaid.  *sigh*

5.  I need a back massage.  My back feels like a box of rawhide knots.

I got a message from Sitcom last week.  She wanted to let me know that she wished to contribute a picture to my eyeball picture pool.

This is her contribution.  Did I mention she happened to be at the eye doctor’s at the time?

Ayup.  Sitcom is funny.

1.  I was picking up some apples at the grocery store with my cart thing tucked next to some stand nearby.  A woman zipped by and ran smack into my cart.  She didn’t bump into it, she smacked right into it and let out an “Oomph!”  What the hell?  It looked like it hurt so I took a step forward and said, “Are you okay?”  She said, “yes, thanks.”  She was sort of feeling her midsection and I just started laughing. I couldn’t help it – it was the most ridiculous thing.  Who runs full tilt into a freakin’ grocery cart?  I said, “I feel like we’re supposed to exchange insurance information.”  She said something like, “Oh God, I’m so sorry.”  And then she zipped off.

2.  There’s this dude in a Rascal cart thing.  Look about mid fifties and he was talking to the manager.  He said, “I just want whatever is cheap.  I mean, you work here! You must know.  Get me stuff that is cheap.”  I couldn’t hear the manager’s response but the guy then said, “I don’t care what it is. I just need food that’s cheap. I will pay for it. I don’t expect to get it for free.”  And I’ll be damned, the manager said, “Okay…well, let’s start in dry goods.”  And off they went.  Dude, that is some patience right there.

3.  In line, checking out.  I turned around while my stuff was being scanned and observed the customer who was in the line next to mine.  He was peering into a plastic container filled with small Snickers bars.  Each customer line had a similar container as a small reward for a charitable donation.  He reached in and plucked out a few candy bars and shoved them into his pocket.

Normally, I am pretty low key about stuff like this but before I had time to even think about it, I leaned over and said, “You’re supposed to donate for breast cancer research before helping yourself.”  He said a few choice words back before taking his bags and leaving.   Both his cashier and my cashier were watching intently, probably wondering if they should intervene.  Man, I wanted to throw a can at the back of his head.   Instead, I grit my teeth.  Asshole.

4.  Man, I sure write a whole lot about absolutely nothing.

Here’s my eye.

Here’s a piece of Toffifay candy.

Now you know.  Toffifay is made out of eyeballs.

Last night while out with friends, one suggested a possible date for me. The woman in question is the owner of a successful company here in Chicago. Today, my friend emailed me her company’s blog website which, along with stories about the company, also features pictures and video of said woman.

I shared the url with The Buddy via IM and said, “Potential date.”

Ladies and gentleman, I give you: Two Assholes Talking

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Little Filthy has tried corn, peanut butter and watermelon.  Let’s add banana to the list.

I decided to place the banana on the kitchen counter and let Little Filthy jump and try to snag it.  To capture the picture, I climbed on top of the counter and looked down at the action.  Captions are above the photo; click on the photo to see the full size.  Did he get the banana? Find out after the cut.

Temptation.  The banana sits innocently on the counter.

A closer look.

Planning: Working out a strategy to get the piece of banana off of the counter.

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Sometimes, I get an idea and can’t shake it.  This morning, an idea came to me.

Pictures of eyeballs.

I decided to start with my own eye.  I set up the tripod, camera, flash…and then sat down in front of the camera.  I closed my eye to let my pupil get large and then…started snapping.

Here is my eye, up close and personal.

Once I get a large collection of eyeball shots, I think I shall put them together in a mosaic to create another large picture.

So!  Any volunteers to let me take a picture of their eye?

1. I love watching Jeopardy. I laugh through most of it. During Kids Week, all of the kids jammed their buzzer to answer a question to name the war in which some state was acquired by the U.S. But when asked about the primary ingredient in marinara sauce, they all look at each with blank faces, completely stumped. That shit cracks me up. Last week, a woman gave an incorrect answer and Alex Trebek said something like, “Ohhh, no, it’s XX. What you said is something else entirely.”  I laughed.

2.  I bought foaming hand soap for the bathroom.  At some point, while using it, I wondered, “Does this make me lazy?  I don’t even want to take the time to lather my own soap?”

3.  Yesterday, the Today Show covered a story in which two adopted guys worked at the same place and then found out that they were brothers.  And then a sister emerged out of the woodwork.  The three of them were on.  Turns out there’s another sister and so they all met each other live on the Today Show this morning.  The best part was that this 4th sibling…she looked a little, how shall I say it…. rough.  She said that as soon as she saw the show the day before, she knew this was her family.  And then she made a motion toward her newly found sister and said something along the lines of:  “I mean, come on, look at us. It’s so obvious that we’re sisters.”

And I swear the other sister cringed.

4.  Today, I watched a Cover Girl commercial on television.  Penelope Cruz was in it.  I watched it and then paused, rewound it and watched it again before I realized why.

*sigh* Bah.

Updated to add:

5.  I put a plate with a slice of watermelon on it down on the coffee table.  I got up to get a glass of water.  I turned around and Little Filthy had it in his mouth, sticking out of each side.  I yelled, “HEY!” and he tore off running down the hall.  He ran right into the bedroom (have I mentioned that I don’t have any doors in my place?  I live in a loft so I don’t even have walls that go up to the ceiling…which is about 17 feet high).  Yeah, I found the beast on my bed, watermelon rind on my PILLOW.

And you know what? Dogs don’t have lips.  You know what that means?  It means they get watermelon juice everywhere.

Who wants a dog?

Little Filthy has tried corn.  And peanut butter.  Today, he tried watermelon.

A sniff.

Give it to me, please.

Looks promising.

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