Random Esquire

After being out the last few nights, I decided that I needed a quiet evening at home.  Plus, some cleaning was in order.  The first thing to get cleaned?  You guessed it.

He’s upset.  Friday is his poker night.

It’s very exciting over here at the Random house tonight.

This woman is going to tell you the story of Germany conquering Ukraine…using sand.  She won Ukraine’s version of Britain’s Got Talent.

More explanation of the story and artist here.

Today, a friend pointed out to me that if you do a google image search for ‘apple turnover’ and go to page two of the results…you will see a picture of a little person flexing his muscles.

Well, I’ll be damned.

I mean, it’s just image after image after image of apple turnovers…until you get to this little dude.

All flexin’ and shit.

Don’t take my word for it.  Check it out yourself here.

I really can’t stop laughing about it.

And I can’t tell if I should feel badly about that.

Oh well.

[Edited to add:  Here's a full size picture of him.  Awww, little turnover. heh.]

I got on the elevator today at work and immediately recognized the woman who was already inside.  And…for some reason, I felt instantly awkward.  I couldn’t put my finger on it.

And then I remembered.  It was this woman from my entry two years ago:

Just Bloody Brilliant.

Something is wrong with me.

The other day, I entered my office building and stepped into an elevator in which a woman was waiting. I recognized her from some volunteer work we’d both done at an elementary school recently. She had clearly lost some weight and done her hair, which curled at her shoulders very nicely. I smiled and she said, “Hello!” I could not recall her name and I wished to be polite so I said (thinking that to comment on her weight would be inappropriate), “Your hair looks very nice.” I smiled. She beamed and said, “Thank you!”

I began to think about work and glanced up at the elevator monitor, which showed the weather report. Chicago had been enjoying incredible weather the last few weeks – staying at a nice 78-82 range. I said, absently, “It’s been beautiful the last few days.”

I looked over at her and she had a bit of a stunned look on her face. Then I realized…

She thought I was still talking about her hair.  That I had just said to her, “Your hair has been beautiful the last few days.” Like a complete weirdo.

I said, “Oh! I’m talking about the weather!”

She blushed and said, “Ohhh,” realizing her mistake and then laughed.

And then I stammered, “But, I’m sure your hair has been beautiful the last few days.”

I mean, what the hell is wrong with me.

*****

So, yeah, walked on the elevator and there she was.  You know what I did?  I turned around, faced the doors and STFU.

Random +1.

1.  I often see this particular dude on my walk to the office.  The reason I remember him is because his head is too small.  It’s not obviously too small.  It’s a subtle smallness.  Like, his noggin is in the 35th percentile for people of his height and for some reason, I’ve noticed it.

2.  My midlife crisis might be upon me.  Probably not.  But today, I found myself suddenly regretful that I’d never surfed inside a large wave.  It might have been because I was watching cartoons and everyone in it was surfing.

3.  I bought a new laptop bag from Briggs & Riley.  It smells like a new car to me.  I like it.  I wonder if that makes me a little bit of a douchey-attorney.

4.  At the gym this morning, I found myself looking around and wondering just how much sweat was in the carpet and how often it’s cleaned.

5.  My neighbor punched me today.  In the arm, mind you.  I ran into her at the park and Little Filthy was running around, playing with her dog.  You…may have noticed that Little Filthy is slightly wall-eyed.  He’s part pug.  They always seem to have some sort of Peter Falk wandering eye thing going on.  Little Filthy ran up to me and I said, “What’s up, Mad Eye Moody?”  And she socked me in the arm and yelled, “Hey!”  This is probably because while Little Filthy is slightly wall-eyed, her pug looks a little like the sides of his face are running away from each other.

This time, not necessarily things my Mama told me but some words of wisdom or hard lessons I’ve learned.

1.  When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.  (Maya Angelou)

2.  People will believe anything if they a) want it to be true or b) fear that it is true.

3.  Never let pride get in the way of an apology.

4.  You can punish most people by believing them.

5.  Most people just want to be heard.

Part I repeated after the cut.

(more…)

1.  I went a couple of hours South this weekend to attend a surprise party for a good friend – for her 30th birthday.  Check out this picture I snapped on my way there. 

That’s something you don’t see everyday.  Big ass strawberries being hauled down the highway.

2.  The birthday girl – nicknamed Nascar Jon Benet – is not a huge fan of her sister-in-law.  Despite having spent a year of law school together, I really don’t recall said sister-in-law.  However, now I’d be hard pressed to forget her, despite trying.  A lot.

My friend, who organized the party (we’ll call her Grandma Ho – because she married a guy with grandchildren after having an affair with him for years.  Mind you, that is their own nickname for her – not mine), introduced us and we began to chat.  I’m going to tailor this a little so you can get the point without me giving up the farm.

She asked if I was married or dating, etc.  I mentioned that I was seeing someone and then she asked me something that prompted me to mention race/ethnicity and that we were a mixed-ethnic couple.   She looked a bit surprised and then stammered a bit as she immediately reassured me that she was fine with that.  I’m sure I had a puzzled look on my face and I bit my tongue a little.    I saw Grandma Ho’s eyes go up as she started to wonder how I was going to react.  This is because I am sometimes a sarcastic asshole.

Sister-in-Law then told me about friends she knew who were ‘the same way’.  But then she looked at me and told me very sincerely that she wanted me to know that she was okay with that.  I smiled and said, “Imagine my relief.”

That’s when Grandma Ho went autistic and started to rock back and forth.

3.  Nascar Jon Benet has a very fun, lively family.  Her parents were out at the bar along with all of her friends.  This is not something my parents would ever do.  It is fair to say that my family is more…formal.  Uptight, if you will.  And while I’ve met Nascar Jon Benet’s parents once before, I’m still more inclined to shake their hand than grapple hug them.  I was standing near The Dad at the bar when a very, very tall woman entered.  She was probably 6’4″ or taller.  The Dad looked at me and yelled through the blaring music, “Wow, wouldn’t even have to lean over for her boobs.  They’d be right in my face!”  He then demonstrated a motorboat.  I grinned politely.  He looked at me and said, “You like tall women?”

I didn’t know what to say but figured that talking about women is about as good a form of bonding as anything else.  So I shouted back, “Sure.  I’ve dated some tall women.  But generally, I prefer someone slightly shorter than myself.  I have general rules – they have to be shorter than me and better looking than me.”

I grinned at my lame half-ass-joke and looked up at The Dad.  He was staring at me blankly.  I sort of raised my eyebrows as if to say, “  ?  ”

He said, “I asked if you liked Chicago.”

D’oh!

The music was loud, people.