Random Esquire

Instigator decided to tell her daughter about sex recently.  Heh.  Here’s her account:

The other night my 8 year old daughter and I were watching House.  One of her babysitters loves this show and was watching it at our house, and next thing you know, my kid has tivo’d a season pass. Frankly this is irritating as I don’t watch House, didn’t want to, and quickly realized she shouldn’t watch but since she was (as she pretty much is in charge, I admit it – so shoot me) I’d better watch with her.

Watching House with an 8 year old results in a myriad of questions.

Why are those two girls kissing?  Cause they are gay.

Who is that lady the guy is talking to?  A prostitute.

What’s a prostitute?  Its a complicated grownup thing.

What’s an aneurysm?  How the fuck do I know, I’m a lawyer not a doctor.

So anyway, this episode is about a guy in a coma and in one scene, the nurse is changing his catheter.  My kid says ‘What’s that?’  I tell her and then my mind goes like this: catheter, penis, sex talk.

I’ve been contemplating when I should have “the talk” with my daughter and recently I’d decided – soon.  It will always seem too soon to me – even when she’s 30 – but since her best friend is a 9 year old boy with 3 teenage siblings, I figured I better suck it up and do it so that she does not get misinformed with half truths heard at her buddy’s house or on the playground.

I had just a little bit too much wine during the House coma episode, so I thought my timing was perfect.  I put House on pause and explained in very rudimentary terms what sex was and also that is how the sperm swims and finds the egg and the baby starts to grow in the mom’s stomach.  She’d asked me, when she was 4 years old, how a baby gets into a mom’s stomach and I’d stammered some bullshit about love and magic and poof – baby! So finally, years later I had righted the story and this was good because she thought it was gross – perfect!

I confirmed that yes, it was sort of gross but that she should not worry or think about doing this for a very long time, and she said “How long?” And I said many many years, like not till after high school, because sex can lead to a baby so you can’t have sex until you are ready for a baby.

And she said “Well even in college you are not ready to have a baby, right?”

RIGHT!! RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT!!

And then, using my very best caring and concerned mother voice, learned from watching Oprah, I said she could ask me anything and I would tell her the truth and did she have any questions. After a moment, she said “Well, just one. Why did you decide to tell me about this now??” So I told her – catheter, penis, sex talk.

And then we finished watching House.