Random Esquire

Instigator decided to tell her daughter about sex recently.  Heh.  Here’s her account:

The other night my 8 year old daughter and I were watching House.  One of her babysitters loves this show and was watching it at our house, and next thing you know, my kid has tivo’d a season pass. Frankly this is irritating as I don’t watch House, didn’t want to, and quickly realized she shouldn’t watch but since she was (as she pretty much is in charge, I admit it – so shoot me) I’d better watch with her.

Watching House with an 8 year old results in a myriad of questions.

Why are those two girls kissing?  Cause they are gay.

Who is that lady the guy is talking to?  A prostitute.

What’s a prostitute?  Its a complicated grownup thing.

What’s an aneurysm?  How the fuck do I know, I’m a lawyer not a doctor.

So anyway, this episode is about a guy in a coma and in one scene, the nurse is changing his catheter.  My kid says ‘What’s that?’  I tell her and then my mind goes like this: catheter, penis, sex talk.

(more…)

1. I woke up to find that Little Filthy had been ill during the night. On my bed.  Well, that’s new.  He is not a throw-up kind of dog but he’d thrown-up on his own bed earlier in the week. Apparently, he likes to be thorough. This meant a) laundry and b) a quick vet visit to have his temperature checked and c) a trip to PetSmart for a new bed. Well, I could have told you…he’s just fine. I realized this when he immediately ran into the toy aisle, grabbed a plush stuffed pig from the bottom rack and proceeded to hump it.

2. We went to the park then, where he gets to roam a bit off-leash. Have I mentioned that Little Filthy, like most dogs, likes to rub against or roll around in things that smell? Normally, I might run over to find that he’s decided to roll around by a dead bird or something. However, that was not the case today.

Today, he hopped up on a bench, right on top of the homeless man that was sleeping on it and proceeded to rub all over him, thereby scaring him about 3/4ths the way dead.

I’m ashamed to say that my first thought was that I wanted to snap a picture for you all. Decorum got the better of me and I ran over and rescued the man from Little Filthy’s ministrations. The whole thing reminded me of this day at the beach when he managed (while wet from the lake) to football tackle a beach bag, relieve himself on another, and then shake himself dry next to a bikini-clad woman.

*sigh*

3. Finally, my neighbor stopped over and we decided to let Little Filthy enjoy an empty peanut butter jar.  At one point, his whole face was stuck in the jar.  This is what determination looks like.

I spoke with my sister this morning.  Her son is 18 months old.  She put him on the phone and he said, “Boom boom POW!”

I said, “What?”

He said, “BOOM BOOM POW!”

Then my sister picked up the phone and said, “He likes that song by the Black Eye Peas.”  I laughed because I was shocked her kids had heard something other than Mozart.

I mentioned that I was going to go skydiving in Seattle.

My sister said dryly, “Why are you going to Seattle for that? Don’t they have that locally?”

I assured her that we did but that I was going with friends in Seattle.  She was quiet for a moment and then said:

“I THINK THAT IS RETARDO.”

Then I got a lecture.  Have I mentioned that she is my older sister?  I thought she had gone skydiving and so I mentioned this to her.  She said:

“I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING THAT STUPID.  I DON’T WANT TO DIE BY SPLATTING.”

I hadn’t thought of that before.  Oh well.  I think it will be fun.

I see a sea turtle.  And a duck.

Click to Enlarge. What do you see?

No,

I do not want to read your pamphlets about Jews for Jesus

and

No,

I do not have a moment to talk about the environment.

Today is going to be one of those days.

1.  Some people are such meddlers.  It’s still gossip, folks, even if it is true.

2.  Do you hold your phone to your right or left ear?  Does it matter if you are right or left handed?  I’m right handed and hold the phone to my left ear with my left hand.

3.  I may be on a kick of expressing myself purely with Peanuts captions.

QTMama and I decided to write poems about each other.  So, without further ado, I offer you:

The QT

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over my dog – Little Filthy’s – loud, obnoxious snore,
While I nodded, nearly sleeping, suddenly there came a beeping
that thrust me up, nearly leaping, sending my phone down upon the floor.
“It is just QT,” I muttered softly, “texting me some more -
Oh, That woman…she’s quite a chore.”

Grabbing for my Blackberry, I read about a night so scary
Of QT’s dates – the men are always such a bore.
Tiredly, I read her typing and then wished that we were skyping
Her typos causing me some griping, if only she would score!
“You must be drunk,” I messaged back, “did you drink the liquor store?”
“Just three martinis…maybe more.”

(more…)

Dr. Nancy Snyderman was interviewed by Ann Curry on the Today Show this morning.  Topic: Swine Flu.  While discussing ways to prevent the spread of the virus, Ann Curry asked the doctor to explain what things children should not share with each other.  Dr. Snyderman said, “Primarily, things like cups, toothbrushes…”

And then Ann Curry helpfully adds, “…Cookies.”

For real, Ann?  That’s your contribution?  Cookies?  For some reason, I laughed out loud at this.

Instigator does not like Dr. Snyderman.  And, as we know, she’s not a big fan of Ann, either.