Random Esquire

1.  Who’s usin’ twitter?  I’m Randomesq.  Be warned:  it ain’t pretty.

2.  QTMama has a date tonight with this guy she likes to snog.  I decided to make a bet with her.

Via Text, I dared her to work a phrase into casual conversation with the guy.  The phrase?  “…like tossing a hotdog down a hallway.”  I told her that if she did it, I’d buy her some K-cups for her Keurig.

She texted back:  “But, what does that even mean?”

At this point, I burst out laughing.  Then came her next text:  “I would totally say that.  I want K-cups.”

Then I told her what it meant.

She said, “It means that?  Dammit.  Okay.  I’m still saying it.”

This should be good.

3.  Instigator sent me a text tonight informing me that her daughter had just broken her (daughter’s) arm.  I asked how it happened.  Here’s what Instigator had to say:

“She fell out of a tree.  Still at hospital.”

“Scared shitless.  Thank God I wasn’t with her.  Poor little baby. Dr. happened to be in the park who stayed until we got there.”

“Her arm looked fucked up.  She was trying to show her sitter she could get out of the tree one handed cause she wanted her iTouch in her other hand.”

And then my favorite:

“That demonstration backfired.”

heh.  Instigator.

4.  I’m packing up for a quick little roadtrip this weekend.  Little Filthy is going to stay with his grandparents.  My mother said, “That little terrorist.”

*sigh*

I decided to indulge a little this morning.  This means I decided to eat a breakfast sandwich.  The ‘a little’ means it was on a whole grain english muffin, had turkey sausage, egg white and low fat cheese.

I can deal with this.  It tastes just fine to me.

But you know what ruined it very quickly?

That little bit of toenail you sometimes find in sausage.

GAH.

I wake and demand breakfast by leaping on Lawyer.  I eat.  I drink.

I go back to bed.

Lawyer leaves for work.  I get up.  I look out window.

(more…)

Sitcom has a blog.

Is awesome.

Is best blog.

Is better than Cats.

Would read it again and again.

1.  The Ballerina IM’d me today.  She informed me that she had a dilemma.  I grew a little concerned because she had just had a rather difficult morning so I did not know what to expect.

Ballerina:  I have a dilemma.

RE:  What’s up, Ballerina?

Ballerina:  a few months ago someone barfed all over one of the bathroom stalls on this floor.

At this point, I decided that perhaps someone on her floor had bulimia and she was trying to decide if she should tell someone or confront this person.

RE:  Oy.

Ballerina:  Like, projectile barf all over the place.

RE:  Holy crap.

Ballerina:  I saw it firsthand and almost barfed myself.  Since that day, I have not used that stall.  But I wonder…maybe I should?  It is maybe the cleanest stall now?

*Blink*

Yes, that’s right.  This was her dilemma.  Whether or not to use the now clean, previously barfed upon bathroom stall.  I suggested that yes, it was probably clean now.

Ballerina:  I feel there is maybe barf crusted in a crevice somewhere.

RE:  A very real possibility.

In the end, she decided to continue avoiding the barfy stall.

NEXT!

I watched an interview with J.K. Rowling in which she was asked the questions I’ve listed below.  I was surprised by how quickly she was able to answer each one.  Her answers and mine after the cut.  How would you answer?

1.  What’s your favorite virtue?

2.  What vice do you most despise?

3.  What are you most willing to forgive?

4.  What’s your most marked characteristic?

5.  What are you most afraid of?

6.  What’s the quality you most like in a man?

7.  What’s the quality you most like in a woman?

8.  What do you most value about your friends?

9.  What’s your principal defect?

10.  What’s your favorite occupation?

11.  What’s your dream of happiness?

(more…)

Let’s triple crown today.

Is it okay to say, “Is there a mustache in Mexico?” when you mean, “DUH.” ?

Like how people say, “Is the pope Catholic?” or “Does a bear shit in the woods?”

I would like to say, “Is there a mustache in Mexico?”

Is that okay?

What say you?

My sister likes to ring me on her way home from work some days. She’s usually pretty entertaining because she’s very prim and proper but says off the wall things.  For instance, she said that she’s going to show her kids the movie Mystic River so that they never run away.   And arranged a Black Market Baptism for her kids (which involved cutting a check).  And she once said that getting my niece off of diapers was like pulling someone from a line of coke.  She just says stuff like this and I find it really off the wall.

That brings me to the other day.  First, some background:  My niece has a very old fashioned name.  For our purposes here, I will use the name Bonnie for my niece because it is sufficiently old and rare enough to make the point.

My sister called me and informed me that Bonnie had just attended a birthday party.  She said, “All the other kids were running around the yard, playing.  Bonnie just wanted to sit and watch and eat cookies.  She just wants to eat cookies!”

I laughed.  My sister cried out, “A  fat kid named Bonnie isn’t gonna have any friends!”

I protested through my laughs and said, “Don’t say that! What’s wrong with you?”  I could practically hear her shrug.  She said, “I’m just honest.  You know how kids are.”

I suppose, like me, my sister is not here to gloss over the truth.

That brings me to my next story.

Today she called on her way home and announced that there was a warrant out for her nanny’s arrest.

*Blink*

See, that’s not the sort of thing you begin with.  You’ve got to ease your way into that kind of bomb.

It turns out that her nanny received a ticket and it was mailed to an old address, never paid, fail to appear, blah blah, boom!  Warrant.

I think we would both be more alarmed if it weren’t for the fact that my sister and I are sort of fascinated by being so close to someone so on the edge of the law.

We’re a very straight and narrow bunch.  We gotta take our excitement where we can get it.

Is this supposed to still be funny to me?  Because it is.