Oh, good God. I’m complicit in squirrel-murder.
I stepped out on to my patio today to find my neighbor out on her patio. We exchanged hellos and then she told me about *cough* a large number of almonds she has found in her plants. She went so far as to mimic squirrel wife digging in the dirt and dropping in an almond. She said, “And she doesn’t replace the dirt. It’s just holes filled with almonds!”
I resisted the urge to tell my neighbor that if she’d replaced the dirt, then she’d be planting almonds and that is just absurd.
She said, “We had a showdown the other day, me and her. We stared at each other.”
I grinned sheepishly. And then she said this:
“But as soon as I saw those almonds, I knew you must have a plan. You must have a plan to feed them so they get comfortable and then you can poison them.”
*Blink*
I looked up, mouth partly open and she was beaming at me.
She said, “I asked our maintenance guy for some poison and so when he gives it to me, I’ll give it to you to mix with the almonds.”
I said, “uhhhh….”
So, either the squirrels days or numbered…or I’m gonna have to put out some Cap’n Crunch or some shit to make it look like I’m a clever bastard dead set on killing squirrels.
Dude, I’ve killed fish and lobster. In fact, somehow, killing things that normally live in the water doesn’t seem to count as much. But I’ve never killed anything with fur.
whamaygunnado??
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
June 1st, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Aw! NOOOOO!!! WTF did the squirrels ever do to her?!?
Sheesh! Some people…
June 1st, 2009 at 9:06 pm
You CANNOT KILL SQUIRREL WIFE!
Who would want to kill squirrels? Are nuts in the planter so very bad? Whatser problem?
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:16 am
Oh my goodness! That lady has no heart! Kill her instead!!!
Wait, that’s extreme…just poison her little by little so she doesn’t notice and you’ll never get caught…
I agree, I can kill things that come from the water or are creepy by nature…but a squirrel? Even if we had them in Australia, I just couldn’t do it!!!
June 2nd, 2009 at 4:45 am
Your neighbor is a freak. A murderous freak. Who DOES that kind of thing?!
June 2nd, 2009 at 10:48 am
Tell your neighbor that it is a known fact that the poisoned squrriel will die somewhere inside her walls. She won’t ever be able to find the source of the odor. She will have to move and sell at a loss.
June 2nd, 2009 at 11:14 am
You mean you didn’t stick up for the squirrel? But but did you tell her of the squirrel parts you’re so fond of??
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Holy hell!! Who is this woman? I bet she’s the one that doesn’t want you spraying your plants with canned air. Clearly the woman is a psychopath and you must call the police (or the ASPCA) immediately. Who goes around killing squirrels? (OR, in this case, providing poison so that OTHER PEOPLE CAN DO IT FOR YOU?) She’s made you her hit man.
July 4th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
You should say “hey that’s exactly my plan!” then pause for a few seconds and offer her some almonds.