Random Esquire

1.  If someone says, “Let me tell you something…”

Instantly, I don’t want to listen.

2.  Mumblers.

3.  I say, “I’m going to do X.”

and someone responds, “You should!”

Did…Did I not just say that I was going to?

4.  When people talk to themselves…while I’m there.

What do you think when you see someone’s lips move while they read?  Talking to yourself is like doing that…out loud…simply because you are thinking.  It’s thinking out loud!  Don’t get me wrong – sometimes I talk to myself.  Rarely – but it happens.  But not if someone else is in the room.  Because if you talk to yourself when I am in the room, the only way I can tell if you are addressing me or speaking to yourself is to  listen to what you say and evaluate if it is meant for me or not.    That gets tiresome.

5.  People who get on the elevator before others get off.

6.  People who pause at the top or bottom of an escalator to figure out where they go next.

FOR REAL?  Keep moving!

7.  People who stand around waiting for someone to tell them what to do.

8.  Slapstick.

9.  Spoiled people.

10.  My stupid need to have a numbered list reach some sort of round number.

I stepped out on to my patio today to find my neighbor out on her patio.  We exchanged hellos and then she told me about *cough* a large number of almonds she has found in her plants.  She went so far as to mimic squirrel wife digging in the dirt and dropping in an almond.  She said, “And she doesn’t replace the dirt.  It’s just holes filled with almonds!”

I resisted the urge to tell my neighbor that if she’d replaced the dirt, then she’d be planting almonds and that is just absurd.

She said, “We had a showdown the other day, me and her.  We stared at each other.”

I grinned sheepishly.  And then she said this:

“But as soon as I saw those almonds, I knew you must have a plan.  You must have a plan to feed them so they get comfortable and then you can poison them.”

*Blink*

I looked up, mouth partly open and she was beaming at me.

She said, “I asked our maintenance guy for some poison and so when he gives it to me, I’ll give it to you to mix with the almonds.”

I said, “uhhhh….”

So, either the squirrels days or numbered…or I’m gonna have to put out some Cap’n Crunch or some shit to make it look like I’m a clever bastard dead set on killing squirrels.

Dude, I’ve killed fish and lobster.  In fact, somehow, killing things that normally live in the water doesn’t seem to count as much.  But I’ve never killed anything with fur.

whamaygunnado??