Random Esquire

I have a buddy who is planning on breaking up with his non-girlfriend  shortly.  They’ve been seeing each other for two months.  We were hanging out a few days ago and when his mobile rang, he took a look, saw it was her… and groaned.  Not a good sign.  Heh.  And it does not look like she’s going to let go easily.  Facebook, Twitter,… so many ways to stalk, so little time.  I informed him that he should wait 2 weeks since the last time they had sex.  Plus, she just had minor surgery and is relying on him for some things.  So he’s pretty much f*cked.  Which, of course, I find delightful.

I have genuinely sympathy for him as it is hard to tell someone that it isn’t working out when you know they will be hurt.

Correct that.  I had genuine sympathy for him.  Until I got a text message from him in which he informed me that she got angry at him that day because he farted on her three days ago.  I laughed.

Then he mentioned that it was after she’d given him a blow job.

*Blink*

But let me back up.  Here’s a transcript:

RE:  Is it bad I sorta want yer nongirlfriend to stalk you for my entertainment purposes?

Friend:  Only if you come stand guard.

RE:  No way.  She will turn her black eye…the eye of Mordor…on me.

Friend:  Srsly, the “you farted in my face after I have you a bj” moment is now the touchstone of our “relationship.”  I didn’t mean it but I can’t explain it away.

RE:  Dude.  After a BJ?  You deserve the stalking.

Friend: Un, in the CONTEXT of the situation, not so bad.  And she’s farted on me!

RE:  You guys farted on each other after 2 months of dating?  Dude.  You are both kicked out of the human race.  I’m totally gonna blog about you.

Let’s pause here – because I’d like to point out that he somehow thought this could be explained away if I only knew the context.  And I’m here to tell you that it cannot.  Unless she was dying and his farts are the breath of life (which, unfortunately, I can tell you they are not and I have this knowledge after attending a movie with said friend who, upon finding seats, promptly farted me and I dropped my drink on the theatre floor.  Fun for all!), I’m not thinking that any context is going to help him here.  Anyway, continuing on:

Friend:   I swear it wasn’t “in her face” it was pointed in another direction.  And I”m pretty sure I’ve done/said worse.

This was followed by:

Friend:  I mean, HOW DOES THIS UPSET HER 3 DAYS LATER?

I really can’t stop laughing about this.