Random Esquire

1.  I went to a wine tasting last night with Instigator.  I drove her home while she clutched a box full of wine bottles on her lap.  She looked very pleased.

2.  While visiting my parents on Memorial Day, Little Filthy jumped up on the couch next to me and flopped over on his back.  This left his…er, little filthy in full view.  My mother came by and put a napkin over it.

3.  Kelly McGillis, the hot chick from Top Gun, came out.  She’s a lesbian now.  I regret to inform all lesbians that she did so past her prime.  Score one for the straight guys.

4.  Besos wanted to clobber me earlier this week.  This is because sometimes, I suck.

5.  I want to try my hand at portraits.  You may recall the pictures I took of Besos.  I may have a rule that everyone has to be naked.

6.  Little Filthy stormed the bed the other morning.  I had clean, folded clothes on the end of the bed and they went flying.  He doesn’t care.  If I toss warm-from-the-dryer laundry on my bed, he will instantly jump up and roll around in it.  He’s sort of impossible.

7.  My niece and nephew are in town next week.  I’m taking them to the zoo.

8.  I am perfectly shocked that someone from the porn industry hasn’t tried to buy littlefilthy.com from me.  It’s gold, people.  Solid gold.

9.  There may be a pilsner glass in the freezer calling my name.

10.  I need to plan my next big trip.  I must plan my September trip to Seattle.  Oh, wait:  “Crash with Chris and Bev.  Do what Chris does.”  There, done.  Next is Egypt.

Hm.  I wonder what kind of bugs they have there.

I have a buddy who is planning on breaking up with his non-girlfriend  shortly.  They’ve been seeing each other for two months.  We were hanging out a few days ago and when his mobile rang, he took a look, saw it was her… and groaned.  Not a good sign.  Heh.  And it does not look like she’s going to let go easily.  Facebook, Twitter,… so many ways to stalk, so little time.  I informed him that he should wait 2 weeks since the last time they had sex.  Plus, she just had minor surgery and is relying on him for some things.  So he’s pretty much f*cked.  Which, of course, I find delightful.

I have genuinely sympathy for him as it is hard to tell someone that it isn’t working out when you know they will be hurt.

Correct that.  I had genuine sympathy for him.  Until I got a text message from him in which he informed me that she got angry at him that day because he farted on her three days ago.  I laughed.

Then he mentioned that it was after she’d given him a blow job.

*Blink*

But let me back up.  Here’s a transcript:

RE:  Is it bad I sorta want yer nongirlfriend to stalk you for my entertainment purposes?

Friend:  Only if you come stand guard.

RE:  No way.  She will turn her black eye…the eye of Mordor…on me.

Friend:  Srsly, the “you farted in my face after I have you a bj” moment is now the touchstone of our “relationship.”  I didn’t mean it but I can’t explain it away.

RE:  Dude.  After a BJ?  You deserve the stalking.

Friend: Un, in the CONTEXT of the situation, not so bad.  And she’s farted on me!

RE:  You guys farted on each other after 2 months of dating?  Dude.  You are both kicked out of the human race.  I’m totally gonna blog about you.

Let’s pause here – because I’d like to point out that he somehow thought this could be explained away if I only knew the context.  And I’m here to tell you that it cannot.  Unless she was dying and his farts are the breath of life (which, unfortunately, I can tell you they are not and I have this knowledge after attending a movie with said friend who, upon finding seats, promptly farted me and I dropped my drink on the theatre floor.  Fun for all!), I’m not thinking that any context is going to help him here.  Anyway, continuing on:

Friend:   I swear it wasn’t “in her face” it was pointed in another direction.  And I”m pretty sure I’ve done/said worse.

This was followed by:

Friend:  I mean, HOW DOES THIS UPSET HER 3 DAYS LATER?

I really can’t stop laughing about this.

My neighbors’ patios are becoming flower be-speckled.  In fact, if you look down the row of patios, it is flowers, flowers, flowers.

Until you get to mine.  I’ve got a grill.

Last summer, I planted some herbs.  Admittedly, this was so that I would have fresh mint on hand for drinks because I was having a fair number of dinner gatherings and mohitos were the name of the game.  My female neighbor took pity on my patio and I came home from work one day to find a potted plant with flowers in it sitting outside my door.  Then my patio had herbs and one flower pot.

This past weekend, however, my male neighbor and I both found ourselves out on our respective patios and we discussed the sad state of affairs.  He has a grill, too.  Anyway, to make a long story short… we decided to clean up our act.  And in less than 30 seconds, it was clear that we were going to have a good, old fashioned…patio pissing match.

The next morning, I went to Home Depot.  Okay, do you know how many different kinds of flowers there are?  Average woman’s answer: “Well, there are petunias, marigolds, …”  I’d continue that statement but I can’t think of any other flower names to put in there.  Here’s what I thought to myself, “There are purple ones, yellow ones, pink ones…”

I loaded up the cart.  I got dirt first.  Then some pots.  Then I decided to get a jalapeno plant.  And a grape tomato plant.  And some herbs.  And then I looked at flowers.  I just grabbed some colors.

Back home, I spent an hour on the patio reading instructions on how to repot plants.  A few hours after that, I was done and pretty pleased with myself.  I was a mess.  I had a leftover 25 pound bag of dirt. (No clue what I was thinking there.)  But my patio had some color.  I swept the patio and congratulated myself on a job well done.  Within seconds, I became anal retentive and noticed dirt on the outside of the flower pots.  I wiped it off.  Then I saw dirt on the leaves of the plants which probably got there when I dumped dirt on them to fill in gaps in the pots.

I had a brilliant idea.  I ran inside and returned moments later to find my female neighbor out on her porch.  She was staring at my patio.  She smiled broadly at me and said that my patio looked great.  The smile, however, faded from her face within seconds…

…when she saw me use a can of compressed air to blow the dirt off the flower leaves.

I give it a week before everything is dead.

Today I found out some shocking news.  For those of you who know me, you know that I place a high premium on loyalty.  But today I found out that I’d been replaced.  By him.

(more…)

Below are a few pictures – click to see the full size (for some reason, this doesn’t work with all of them).

1.  Runway in the jungle.

2.  Lizard.

3.  Bamboo

4.  Graffiti in San Jose.

5.  Gentleman who rowed us across a marsh (where, reportedly, a croc lived).

6.  Birds about to eat a little boy in San Jose.  heh.

Well, Besos and I are off to Costa Rica for a week.  Time to unwind!  I hope you all have a great week.

-R.