Random Esquire

1.  The other night, Besos and I were climbing into bed and I said, “Can we skip the foreplay tonight?”

She looked at me blankly and then said, “What? Why?”

I said, “Because I want to have sex but I’m tired.”

I sometimes hope that my frank admission of things will be disarming and result in a stunned acquiescence of whatever it is I want.  You’d be shocked to hear how often I am wrong.

Besos looked at me and said, “That is not how it works.”

I said, “How does it work?”

She said, “You have to at least kiss me!”

So I kissed her.  And you know what?

It worked!

2.  The other night, Besos and I were climbing into bed and I reached over for her.  She looked me in the eyes and told me she was not feeling all that great.  I said, “Do you know what would help?”

I suggest sex as a panacea to Besos at least 3 times a week at any given time.  “My back is sore.” “You know what helps?”  “I have to return movies.” “You know what helps?” “My eyes are itchy.”  “You know what helps?”  Anything.  The best part is that she forgets all the time so when I ask, she genuinely hopes I have a solution.  So when I said it – “Do you know what would help?”

She said, “What?”

I waggled my eyebrows at her.  She pushed me away.  So I kissed her.  And you know what?

It worked!

3.  The other night, Besos and I were climbing into bed when I got that look again.  I am not afraid to bargain body parts.  When Besos does not want me climbing all over her, we bargain.  She tells me what parts of her body are closed for business and I kindly suggest substitutes.  Inevitably, I am relegated to above the waist.  I am not dissuaded.  Because two of my favorite body parts are above the waist.  See, with Besos, her boobs are like….hmmm….lockpicks.  If you handle them correctly, you gain entrance.  So I decided to pick her lock.

It worked!