Random Esquire

Little Filthy is not so impressed that Squirrel Wife now gets a small bowl of water to go with her almonds.

Someone please stop me before I have two animals in the bed and a girlfriend who refuses to come over.

I have been a bear for the last week.  Little Filthy had a physical about two weeks ago and last Friday I got a follow up call that something in his blood test indicated that his kidneys may not be working up to par.  The vet suggested getting a urine sample – preferably in the morning during his “first pee of the day”.  I kindly inquired if she had any suggestions on how to obtain such sample.  She mentioned putting a dish or paper plate on the ground while he was relieving himself.

Well, Little Filthy is box trained so he just unzips and lets fly whenever he likes.  But he does typically wait in the morning until after he has eaten.  So after Saturday breakfast, I spied on him as he approached his box and when he broke the seal, I swooped in and stuck a dixie cup under him.  He didn’t notice at first but then he backed up with a whoa whoa whoa look.  I took the sample to the vet for a specific gravity test and then sweated all day, waiting to hear.

It came back low (1.021) and the vet suggested a re-test and if it had the same result, then an ultrasound was next.  She reassured me that Chicago had a good renal specialist.  My mind boggled.  Little Filthy wasn’t acting any different.  He was just as lousy as he always is.

Per instructions, I dehydrated him a bit on Sunday night and tried to get a sample on Monday morning.  But he was on to me and refused to pee if I was anywhere near him and he was instantly wary if I picked up a dixie cup.  Little Filthy flat out refused use the restroom if I was anywhere around.  Collection FAIL.  I called the vet and told her I’d try again on Thursday, giving him a few days to fully rehydrate.

This morning, I snuck up on him and collected the dew from his lily.  Success!  I had it to the vet at 9 and by 9:45, the vet called.  1.048 – nicely concentrated urine.  Who thought I could be so happy about something like that?  I swooped him up and set him on my stomach and let him lick my face until he decided he’d had enough and went to go sleep on my pillows.

*huge sigh of relief*

Rotten dog.

I’m annoyed.  I’m annoyed by drama and people who don’t think things through.

What’s annoying you today?

I asked QT and Bev this question and a few others.  And I find the responses very telling.

Let’s say you’re on a date with a guy very early on in a relationship.  Would you rather accidently fart in front of him or vomit on him?

QT and Bev both said:  Vomit on him.

WTF.

Well, thank God it’s not a choice people really have to face because I’m telling you right now that if a girl chose to vomit on me, I’d be right offended.

I just re-read this.  I think I should start going to bed earlier.

1.  For some odd reason, I can’t seem to eat enough grapefruit.  I crave them.  I eats them.  I noms them.  And still…still I want more.  What makes this so odd is that I probably went 15 years before now without eating one.

2.  Little Filthy has been sleeping on the bed -  both on our sides, back to back.  If we were a couple, we might have intimacy issues.

3.  I had Easter dinner with my parents.  You know what my mother said?

“Do you have my blender?”

4.  Do you ever wonder if you actually remember something or, after you’ve remembered it once, from then on, you’re only remembering remembering it?  Does that make sense?

5.  I don’t get the Saw movies.  I mean, I saw the first one and it was intriguing enough, as far as those things go.  But I haven’t bothered my way through the rest  of them.  There are some things that feel like they stain your soul.

6.  I don’t like movies with kids who see creepy things or sense creepy things or movies with creepy kids.  Basically, creepy + kid = not Random friendly.

7.  I bought binoculars for our trip to Costa Rica next month.  Do you know how hard it is not to look at everything out the window?  I’m positive I’d look like a major creep.  No one sees a person with binoculars looking out a window and thinks: “yup, totally innocent.”

1.  Are you people sick of me talking about Besos all the time?  Because I’m almost making myself sick.  I’m not sure what happened to me but I’ve turned into a complete idiot.  The other night, we were in bed and she said, “I think those are the best pictures of me that I’ve ever had taken.”   I said, “Honey, that’s because no one sees you as clearly as the person who loves you.”

And then we both froze in place.  She reached over and put her hand on my leg and rubbed it.  I said, “OH *gag*, what is happening to me?!”

2.  Did I mention that The Ballerina moved to Seattle?  And that’s she’s going out on Saturday night with Bev and Lynchseattle to get blynched?  Well, it’s true.  And I’m jealous.

And nervous.

I feel like The Ballerina should come with a disclaimer.

1.  On Friday, Little Filthy went to the vet for a check-up.  He got microchipped.  I mentioned this to Besos.

She said it sounded like a good idea.  And that she was going to consider getting me microchipped as well.

WTF.

2.  I told Besos today, “You need a husband.”

She said, “Oh, yeah, I guess.   Whatever.  Did you see American Idol tonight?”

*stomp!*

3.  So.  I told Besos I was in love.  Here’s how it went.

I screwed up my face and called up my courage and said, “I’m in love with you.”

You know what she said?

She said:

“I know.”

*Blank Face*

1.  I need a wife.

I told Besos.  She looked at me and said, “Amazon Prime.”

Have I mentioned that I love Amazon?  I do.  She knows this.

I looked at her.

She said, “Honey. Free shipping. You can’t beat it.”

2.  I told a friend that I needed a wife.  She ignored me.  Then she told me about how great it was to have an intern in the office because she can say, “Here.  Take this unpleasant task and do it.”

And then I realized that I didn’t need a wife.  I need an intern.

3.  Then I remembered all the trouble you can get into with an intern.

I need a wife.

I was walking in the lobby of my office building when I, apparently, caught the eye of a Hispanic man who clearly thought I was Hispanic, as well.  (Dark hair, dark eyes, etc.)  However, I am not Hispanic.  He must have been trying to locate an office.  He asked me something in Spanish.  I then realized that I know how to say two things in Spanish.

a.  Es una amiga, nada mas. (She’s just a friend!)

b.  Entiendo un poco de Espanol. (I understand a little bit of Spanish.)

Mind you, I have no idea on the spelling because I only know how to say these things – not write them.  I’m already illiterate in another language. I love it.  ANYWYAY, I chose to say the second.

I smiled proudly and said, “Entiendo un poco de Espanol!”

He smiled broadly back, a look of refief on his face and then he asked his question again – only more slowly and a little more loudly.  Then I realized something.

I had just lied to him.  I don’t understand a little bit of Spanish!  That’s just the phrase I learned but there’s nothing true about it.  I don’t understand any Spanish, really.  Except, of course, I had just told him that I did and that had encouraged him so he was speaking more slowly for my benefit.

I’m a Spanish liar!