Fauxpologies.
I was discussing apologies with a co-worker the other day. I don’t understand why some people don’t ever say they are sorry. The way I figure it…if you were a jerk and you know it, you should apologize. Not apologizing is basically not acknowledging it to yourself. It isn’t as if the person to whom you owe the apology is going to be surprised to hear you were a jerk, right? But I think it’s a fair bit of human nature to deny our own less than perfect sides. I knows it’s wrong of me but I find it sort of amusing when people behave this way but it’s predictable and that makes it sort of funny.
The most amusing and infuriating? The faux apology. There are some basic types of fauxpology.
1. I’m sorry if…
This is a classic. It normally takes the form of “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” Which is sort of funny because I’d wager that 99% of the time, the person making the fauxpology knows that feelings were hurt and just doesn’t think that it was warranted so they fauxpologize.
Translation: “I know you have hurt feelings but I don’t think you should so, you know…whatever.”
2. A kissing cousin to the above is the infamous: I’m sorry you feel that way.
This is the equivalent of a back-handed compliment. It allows the offerer to both acknowledge some regret about the situation and place the responsibility for it squarely on the shoulders of the listener. It’s sort of the best fauxpology ever. In fact, if you ever do something completely crappy but don’t really care, this is the one for you.
Translation: “When you think about it, it’s sort of your own fault that you feel the way you do.”
3. I’m sorry, but…
This is normally followed by all the reasons the person believes they don’t really owe an apology. In fact, the “,but…” is almost always followed with a “…you…” to make the full beginning of the fauxpology: “I’m sorry, but you…” and you can guarantee that whatever is about to follow is a justification for being a jerk. In fact, as soon as you hear someone say “I’m sorry, but…” you can follow everything that comes after the word ‘but’ with “not really.”
Translation: “I’m sorry, but …not really.”
So, I’m curious… What other fauxpologies are there?
Share This
Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
February 24th, 2009 at 12:47 am
I heard the most infuriating fauxpology of my life just the other night. The set-up: I made an admittedly passive-aggressive remark to the guy-I-can’t-believe-I’m-dating accusing him of thinking that I’m too forward. The response: “Oh, did I verbalize that? Sorry.”
February 24th, 2009 at 2:43 am
Fauxpologies – excellent coining of a phrase!
I hate the …
CHRIS BROWN type of fauxpology. The ones usually used by wife beaters and assholes.
“I’m sorry that THE INCIDENT HAPPENED”…
It’s not exactly taking the blame or responsibility.
So it’s not a real, full apology.
And it’s usually followed by a BUT.
February 24th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Anon – I knew who this was before looking at the e-mail address and I just started laughing. I shouldn’t still find this entire situation funny but I admit…I really, really do.
Kez – that is a great example.
February 24th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
How about the, “FINE! I’m SORRY! Are you happy now?”
Why yes, yes I am. That is the apology I’ve been waiting for. Assclown.
February 24th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
My favorite fauxpology is better said out loud: “Soh-reeee!” It’s the tone of someone who is being made to apologize but doesn’t really mean it. Usually uttered by little kids who just got caught pulling their sisters’ hair by Mom and is being forced to apologize to said little sister. Or when little sister gets caught taking revenge by killing her bigger brother’s guppies by dropping AA batteries in the fish tank.
Not that it’s ever happened to me or anything.
February 24th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Oh, I love this. I don’t usually get sorries. I usually get the situation turned around on me and I end up apologizing for whatever the other person did to me. Lovely, right? Yep, “sorry” is my middle name. Must.Stop.Dating.Assclowns!!!
February 24th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
The ‘generic’ apology or if you prefer ‘vanilla’ apology. Goes like this ‘I’m sorry.’ Uttered by Bernie Madoff, husband cheating on his wife, bank robber, etc. Not sorry for committing the offending act – but for getting caught.
February 25th, 2009 at 9:50 am
How about the the passive-aggressive sarcastic fauxpology:
I’m sorry I’m the WORST PERSON EVER who can’t be a MIND READER. I’m sorry I’m such a TERRIBLE PERSON and a FAILURE AS A HUMAN BEING!”
February 25th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
My husband doesn’t do fauxpologies, he does this instead: The setup–He stops by the grocery store on his way home from work, but brings home the wrong thing. Me: You got the wrong thing. Him: YOU’RE WELCOME.
He thinks that this will prompt ME to apologize for being so thoughtless as to actually criticize him for something, but usually it inspires me to a) say “Oh yes, sorry about that. THANK YOU so much for SCREWING UP.” or b) eviscerate him.