Random Esquire

I was discussing apologies with a co-worker the other day. I don’t understand why some people don’t ever say they are sorry. The way I figure it…if you were a jerk and you know it, you should apologize.   Not apologizing is basically not acknowledging it to yourself.   It isn’t as if the person to whom you owe the apology is going to be surprised to hear you were a jerk, right?  But I think it’s a fair bit of human nature to deny our own less than perfect sides.  I knows it’s wrong of me but I find it sort of amusing when people behave this way but it’s predictable and that makes it sort of funny.

The most amusing and infuriating?  The faux apology.  There are some basic types of fauxpology.

1.  I’m sorry if…

This is a classic.  It normally takes the form of “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”  Which is sort of funny because I’d wager that 99% of the time, the person making the fauxpology knows that feelings were hurt and just doesn’t think that it was warranted so they fauxpologize.

Translation:  “I know you have hurt feelings but I don’t think you should so, you know…whatever.”

2.  A kissing cousin to the above is the infamous:  I’m sorry you feel that way.

This is the equivalent of a back-handed compliment.  It allows the offerer to both acknowledge some regret about the situation and place the responsibility for it squarely on the shoulders of the listener.  It’s sort of the best fauxpology ever.  In fact, if you ever do something completely crappy but don’t really care, this is the one for you.

Translation:  “When you think about it, it’s sort of your own fault that you feel the way you do.”

3.  I’m sorry, but…

This is normally followed by all the reasons the person believes they don’t really owe an apology. In fact, the “,but…” is almost always followed with a “…you…” to make the full beginning of the fauxpology: “I’m sorry, but you…” and you can guarantee that whatever is about to follow is a justification for being a jerk.  In fact, as soon as you hear someone say “I’m sorry, but…” you can follow everything that comes after the word ‘but’ with “not really.”

Translation:  “I’m sorry, but …not really.”

So, I’m curious… What other fauxpologies are there?