Random Esquire

Okay, that might be a little harsh.  But only a little.

Due to circumstances entirely within his control, my father’s actions and words are not often met with complete trust and, instead, are sometimes viewed with a healthy bit of skepticism.  This is mainly because he’s an idiot and does not know how to treat women.  But let me back up and start with a phone call I received while in the office on Wednesday afternoon.

My father called me – which is unusual.  He sounded very upset.  He relayed that he and my mother had had an argument.  It all began when my mother received a phone call from a tire dealership informing her that the two tires my father had ordered were available for pick-up.  My mother is really good at taking something that would not ordinarily bother a sane human being and turning into something very personal.  And my father is very good at being stupid.  The combination of these two things often leads to less than desirable results. In this particular case, it resulted in my mother feeling as if my father never tells her what he’s spending money on, a clear representation of his lack of complete honesty and un-front-ness (a feeling that is not unfounded). I often get stuck as referee.

My father said, “I thought I mentioned it to her…and you were there. Do you remember?” I said yes, I did remember and he did, in fact, tell her that he’d bought the tires. I said, “I’ll call her.”

I called my mother and, in a way only mothers can fake, she sounded entirely normal. I said, “I just spoke with dad. He sounds upset.” She said, “Really? Why?” I love this. I said, “Because you two had a fight. Mom, he mentioned the tires a few days ago.” She paused. “Really?” I said, “Really.” She said, “Shit.”

I said, “You better be making something good for dinner. Tell him you’re sorry when he gets home.” I called back my father. He was relieved that he hadn’t been dreaming the entire thing. I said, “Look, you should just know that this is partly the result of your own actions and you’re going to be paying this piper back for a while, even over things that aren’t entirely valid. Her feelings are mostly your fault. Okay?” He agreed.

Evening rolled around. I called my parents. My mother answered. I said, “I called to see if you two lovebirds had kissed and made up.” She laughed and said, “We never talked about it.” I said, “WHAT?” She laughed and said, “Neither of us brought it up.” I said, “You need to tell him you’re sorry.” She said, “OKAY.”

The next day, she called. I said, “Did you apologize?” She said, “Yes.” And then she laughed.

I’m telling you people: They’re idiots.