Sex. And Porn. And more than anyone needs to know. About anything. But especially about sex and porn.
Besos got the oil changed in her car today. She promptly went home and sent me a text message to say that she was watching porn. I said, “That’s how I celebrate all of my oil changes. You should see what I do when I get my tires rotated.” She’d had a bummed out day and decided that watching porn would cheer her up. I mentioned that she could watch porn to cheer me up, as well.
We then had a conversation about porn. Before I go into that, I’d like to note that two things really bother me about porn:
1) listening to some dude breathe through his teeth
and
2) all the spitting that goes on.
First, dude, it’s obvious you’re enjoying yourself. But you’re making porn…and the point is for me to enjoy myself. So I don’t want to listen to you hiss air through your teeth the entire time. It distracts me from the woman. Okay?
Second…there’s an awful lot of spitting that goes on in porn. I’ve never spit on a woman. On any part of a woman. I’m pretty sure it might earn me a less than favorable reaction. That’s not to say that spit doesn’t have its place and, indeed, uses in the act…just, you know, I’m not insulting her genitalia like it’s my evil step-father’s grave so I don’t spit on it like it offends me. But I digress.
So we talked about porn and Besos saw fit to give me this tidbit: “I just wish they’d skip the storyline and cut to the chase.” I’m sure I laughed or paused or something because then she said in an informational librarian tone: “Pornos have these…weak storylines…”
I said, “I love how you’re telling me this.”
I had earlier mentioned some movies I had DVR’d. Most of them were action flicks. Besos said, “I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll watch those movies with you if you watch porn with me.”
*Blink*
Dude. For reals? How about this….you can throat punch me and I’ll watch porn with you. Or you can poke me in the eye and I’ll watch porn with you. Or you can give me papercuts between my fingers…and I’ll watch porn with you. Is this really something we need to negotiate?
Okay, bedroom secret time. You know how common sayings are particularly funny when they come out of the mouth of someone with English as a second language and they are used in a slightly unusual way? Well, sometimes, after I’ve chased Besos around the couch a number of times and captured her on more than one occassion, she will clap her hands over herself and say, “CLOSED FOR BUSINESS. I am CLOSED FOR BUSINESS.”
Which really makes me laugh.
Anyway, so spill it. Lay a bedroom secret on me.
p.s. I discussed with Besos before posting this. I’m not entirely stupid, for God’s sake.
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Spitting is the grossest thing ever.
EVAR.
In any form or context.
Blech
December 1st, 2008 at 10:11 pm
When I was 17, I was dating a guy from Guatemala (not the ex-husband). We would have seriously steamy back-alley makeout sessions. Finally he asked the question I’d been waiting for, or so I thought. “You wanna maka the sexo wif me?” Bwahahahaha. Could not stop laughing and, no, I did not maka the sexo wif him. Ended up making it with a hot Honduran cook a few months later and, let me tell you, it was worth the wait.
I get my porn from Babeland. They have a whole guide and it is very woman-pleasing (in terms of plot and non-degrading behavior). Anyway, the one I want to try now is one that the Babeland product reviewers have put out with real people in a house. It’s not scripted so it’s apparently more carnal and real. We’ll see.
I asked Blue Eyes to watch porn with me. Apparently he misunderstood and it still has not happened. CRAP!
December 1st, 2008 at 10:28 pm
You know…I think what made me Laugh the hardest about this post is….
I sent the EXACT same text to someone this weekend. … I like Besos!!
Hmmm…no bedroom secret per se ~ as sadly, no action for awhile…not since Romeo was here… However, I can tell you how much I LOVE Text/IM sex! (Well…with someone who “can” ~ and my god, I’ve learned the majority cannot! WTF?) Nothing turns me on more (other than [perhaps] the real deal) than HOT, Nasty, Detailed, Dirty, Explicit, Raw, Lustful SEX through instant written word. Give it to ME, baby!
I feel better now that you know that. HA!
December 1st, 2008 at 10:48 pm
I loved this post. Laughed out loud.
But let us all heed the cautionary tale of Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick in Detroit. Texts aren’t always private.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:20 pm
That was great! It’s like when kids are brutally honest because they don’t know any better. “I’ll watch those movies if you watch porn with me.” Classic.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:42 am
holy crap. i think i just peed myself i’m laughing so hard!
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:39 am
Bev – I’m not sure what anyone would think if they had their eyes closed and were enjoying the moment and then they heard THAT NOISE. It’s just…yeah, not so much into the spitting thing.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:41 am
PT-LawMom,
Wooohooooo, Let yaahhh hayah dahn! Dude, Blue Eyes needs to be clubbed over the head because if a woman so much as hinted as wanting to watch porn together, well, it wouldn’t take a second casual mention.
-R.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:45 am
Savored Life –
So, you text people that you’re watching porn? I gotta be honest with you…I don’t tend to pick up my phone during the porn but now, I suspect I’ll pause and wonder if I should text Besos that I’m now watchin’ the giddyup.
Good thing we have unlimited texting plans.
And I do feel better knowing that about you. I don’t know why but, you know…no harm done.
-R.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:47 am
Beth – That’s definitely true.
Of course, since I’m not a lying bastard, there is probably far less interest in my text messages. Let’s face it…most of the time, another person’s text messages are really only that interesting if they contain a hint of scandal. No one gives a patootie about the boring faithful.
And that man was just an idiot, wasn’t he?! I just wanted to sucker punch him each time I saw him protest that affair. What a putz.
Glad it made you laugh.
-R.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:48 am
JD-Maybe/Anon,
Hey there! Glad you commented. I’m going to check out your blog!
-R.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:49 am
Lily – You know, I grinned when I read your comment because my first thought was, “I wonder what part made Lily laugh” because…well, who knows what part might have struck you? It could have been anything!
COME TO CHICAGO.
Sincerely,
-R.
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:45 am
Oh my… you make me giggle quite a bit. I think Besos is a great match for you. Obviously. Ha!
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Ah RE, you were right, you know. Yet again. My name all over it.
Spitting is a common thing in porn, at least in my experience.
Not that I have any in the actual spitting process.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Okay, when I read the first line of your post, I thought that was already a euphemism for sex. I changed her oil, yeeeeha! My favorite is, “I’ll fix your little red wagon!”
Okay, that’s probably too much information.
I have to agree on the Babeland recommendation. I love Tristan Taormino’s Chemistry series. Phooaaar. I also like porn that makes me laugh. I spent a few years working for an adult internet company. So porn is totally boring to me unless it’s funny. Like when Mika Tan points at her crotch and goes, “Take it down! Take it down to Chinatown, bitch!”
More information. Tee hee.
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
i have no secrets. i just have to agree with the spitting. what IS THAT?!
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:49 pm
SnarkyRunner – Yes, she’s a good match. She can tolerate me. This is the first job requirement.
And you didn’t share a secret and I *know* you have some.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:51 pm
QTMama – Okay, so, what would you do if a guy spit on you? I can only imagine.
I wonder if he’d live?
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Avitania – Honest to God, you have the most interesting job experience.
I have used the euphamism…um,…well, I’ve said, “I checked her oil.” Don’t hate me for being an idiot.
Dude, of COURSE you even know the website another commenter mentioned. heh.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Vittoria – it always sort of surprises me. Like, everything is going well and then all of a sudden, someone leans back and spits.
It’s like spitting on art!
Not okay!
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:24 am
I don’t get the spitting thing either. EW.
Hm…secret…I can’t think of any off the top of my head. But then, it’s early.
Must check out Babeland…