Random Esquire

You may have heard.  It’s cold in Chicago.  Lots of snow and ice and salt on the roads and sidewalks.  All of that ice, snow and salt gets caught in Little Filthy’s paws.  Today, while on the couch, I glanced over and saw a slight cut on one of the pads of Little Filthy’s back foot.  I frowned and went to get some anti-biotic cream.  I applied some of the cream to his paw with a Q-tip.  It was then that I noticed that the pads of his feet looked pretty dry and beat up from the snow and ice.  I got this idea to put Aquaphor (which is predominantly petroleum jelly – aka vaseline) on the pads of his feet.

I rolled him on to his back so his paws stuck straight up into the air.  Little Filthy likes to have his feet touched so I figured this would be easy.  I squeezed out some Aquaphor and began to rub it into the pads of his feet.  Pretty soon, front and back paws looked black and healthy and good to go.  I was pretty proud of myself and Little Filthy seemed okay with it, too.

Until…(did I mention that I have hard wood floors?)

Until there was a noise in the hallway and he jumped off the couch, raced down the hall on the rug…and then off the rug… and then promptly slid the last 10 or so feet on the hard wood floor and smack into the front door.

He was unfazed but I scooped him up and quickly made sure there was no excess Aquaphor on his feet.  Then I cleaned up the skid marks he’d left in the hall.

Good thing the little monster is box trained.  I think we’ll just stay inside for a bit.

Sorry, Little Filthy.

1.  I decided to make hot buttered rum.  I am now officially an alcoholic.

2.  I think I may be headed to Spain in May and to Monaco to see the Grand Prix.  Travel is good.

3.  I went to a Christmas party last night and the main topic of conversation was if guys in porn have smaller testicles than your average guy.  HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

4.  The second most popular topic of conversation was manscaping and maintenance.  I gotta tell you, I don’t know if could  er…fully enjoy a woman who didn’t maintain.  The way I see it is this…if someone dropped a crumb on it and it could get stuck, it’s too much.  Plain and simple.  It’s like a man’s beard.  If food could get lost in there, it’s a no-go.  Time to trim/shave/maintain.

5.  Little Filthy has moved on from his duck (the head is now removed) and is workin’ on a hedgehog.

6.  What’s the biggest item on your Christmas list?

I got Little Filthy a toy.  It’s a duck that quacks.  It meant that I woke up the next morning to quacks and cries and growls.  I can’t really describe the odd noises he makes so I made a video.  Enjoy.

The only thing better than watching people fall asleep unintentionally is watching dogs do it.  (This is not Little Filthy.)

Besos got the oil changed in her car today.  She promptly went home and sent me a text message to say that she was watching porn.  I said, “That’s how I celebrate all of my oil changes.  You should see what I do when I get my tires rotated.”  She’d had a bummed out day and decided that watching porn would cheer her up.  I mentioned that she could watch porn to cheer me up, as well.

We then had a conversation about porn.  Before I go into that, I’d like to note that two things really bother me about porn:

1) listening to some dude breathe through his teeth

and

2) all the spitting that goes on.

First, dude, it’s obvious you’re enjoying yourself.  But you’re making porn…and the point is for me to enjoy myself.  So I don’t want to listen to you hiss air through your teeth the entire time.  It distracts me from the woman.  Okay?

Second…there’s an awful lot of spitting that goes on in porn.  I’ve never spit on a woman.  On any part of a woman.  I’m pretty sure it might earn me a less than favorable reaction.  That’s not to say that spit doesn’t have its place and, indeed, uses in the act…just, you know, I’m not insulting her genitalia like it’s my evil step-father’s grave so I don’t spit on it like it offends me.  But I digress.

So we talked about porn and Besos saw fit to give me this tidbit:  “I just wish they’d skip the storyline and cut to the chase.”  I’m sure I laughed or paused or something because then she said in an informational librarian tone:  “Pornos have these…weak storylines…”

I said, “I love how you’re telling me this.”

I had earlier mentioned some movies I had DVR’d.  Most of them were action flicks.  Besos said, “I’ll make a deal with you.  I’ll watch those movies with you if you watch porn with me.”

*Blink*

Dude.  For reals?  How about this….you can throat punch me and I’ll watch porn with you.  Or you can poke me in the eye and I’ll watch porn with you.  Or you can give me papercuts between my fingers…and I’ll watch porn with you.  Is this really something we need to negotiate?

Okay, bedroom secret time.  You know how common sayings are particularly funny when they come out of the mouth of someone with English as a second language and they are used in a slightly unusual way?  Well, sometimes, after I’ve chased Besos around the couch a number of times and captured her on more than one occassion, she will clap her hands over herself and say, “CLOSED FOR BUSINESS. I am CLOSED FOR BUSINESS.”

Which really makes me laugh.

Anyway, so spill it.  Lay a bedroom secret on me.

p.s.  I discussed with Besos before posting this.  I’m not entirely stupid, for God’s sake.