Random Esquire

1.  My niece saw raisins for the first time last week.  She picked up the bowl and took it to my sister and said, “These grapes are dead.”

My sister called me two nights ago.  I answered the phone and heard my niece say, “Hello!”  My sister said, in the background, “Tell Random what you did today.”  Niece said, “I got a haircut.”  I said, “Oh! That’s great. Getting a haircut is great!”  My sister said, “Tell Random who cut your hair.”

She said, “I did.”

I burst out laughing.  I said, “Ohhh, that’s just for grownups.  Only grownups cut hair.  You’re not going to do that again, are you?”

She paused and said, “I don’t know.  I might.”

God, I love how honest kids are.

2.  I had bacon in my fridge so I decided to make breakfast for dinner last night.  Except I didn’t want eggs.  Then it hit me…I had tomato and some Boston lettuce.  BLT!  I’m a dry sandwich eater.  No mayo or mustard or whatever.  But on a BLT?  You need mayo.  I found a squeeze bottle of Hellman’s that had about one tablespoon used out of the entire thing.  Anddddd it expired 8 months ago.   Then I found some Miracle Whip.  Guess what?  November 5, 2008!  TWO MORE DAYS!

And it occurs to me…BLTs are the only sandwich on which I’m not tempted to slap on a slice of cheese.  I wonder why that is?  That made me think of hamburgers and how I really don’t understand the point unless it has a slice of cheese on it.  I’ve never had cheese on a slice of apple pie.  Who the hell came up with that one?  Though, now that I think about it, I do normally have slices of apples or pears to serve along with bread and cheese when drinking wine.  Still, cheese on apple pie seems odd to me.

3.  You know who isn’t impressed with this Standard Time?  Little Filthy.  He began protesting at 3 o’clock yesterday.  By 4:30, he was still demonstrating so I gave in and fed him.  He’s in for a harsh reality today when I get home after 5.  Of course, he’s going to watch the polls all day so he may not notice.