Flowers, Vagine Punching, Legalese, and Killing Lawyers.
1. Yesterday, a co-worker walked into my office with a flower arrangement (Sunflowers!) that had been delivered for me. I am quite sure I looked at her like she was crazy when she said they were for me. I turned crimson. Turns out, QTMama had sent them in reference to this and that. The best part? The card. It said, “You are the best dude ever, my friend.” (Here is QTMama’s take on the flower giving.)
2. Boss called me yesterday after another harrowing day of teaching 33 kindergarteners. THIRTY-THREE, people. I couldn’t keep 33 adults quiet and attentive for 10 minutes let alone 33 five year olds. She said that she told a little boy not to run in the hallway as he ran past her. She said, “Then he ran back and punched me in the vagina!”
*Blink*
I mean, I guess that’s about the height for it, right? I said, “Uhh…(pause)…was it an uppercut?”
She said, “YES.”
Let’s get a little Rooney Rant in here, too.
3. Don’t ask me to dumb down your contract language so that a lay person can understand it without picking up a legal dictionary. And don’t freakin’ call it legalese as if that’s a bad thing. It’s a legal document. It might have legal terms in it. Its intended audience is attorneys. I don’t ask doctors to dumb down their medical journals so that I can understand it without knowing any medical terms. Don’t ask me to dumb down your contract. BARK BARK BARK.
4. Dude. Don’t quote that stupid line “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers” to me in some attempt to be pejorative about attorneys. Because all that tells me is that you can read Shakespeare but that you fail to understand Shakespeare. If you re-read Henry VI, Part II, Act IV, Scene 2 – you’ll see that Shakespeare was paying homage to attorneys and was not speaking pejoratively against them.
The person who says it (Dick the Butcher) is leading an “army of rabble” and is “a demagogue pandering to the ignorant” – and so he says his first step is to kill all the lawyers who might stand in his way of becoming a tyrant because lawyers are defenders of freedom.
So if you quote that dumb line to me, I’m going to cock punch you.
Are we all clear on that?
Share This
Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
October 2nd, 2008 at 6:57 pm
You ARE the best dude ever.
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:26 pm
1. I am so going to send you flowers some day just because I know you’ll blush. *Muwahahaha*
2. I love the Boss stories and I pass them on to my teacher friend when she says her kids are acting up. I doubt she’s even been punched in the va-jay-jay so I can bring that up when she says she’s having a bad day… well you’ve never been vagine punched!
3. You should buy everyone you know a copy of Black Law Dictionary. That would solve the problem
4. The only Shakespeare line I remember is “Get thee to a nunnery” from Hamlet. I am a vessel of useless knowledge.
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Will you come and cock punch all the butt-munches who insist that teachers are leeches on society? If I may be so bold, we teacher-folk are partially responsible for said society, thank you very much. The good parts. Not the $700B bailout parts. And will Boss’ charming little friend take care of the vajayjay punches for the ladies?
1. QTMama rules. You’d better be nice to her. And take one of those sunflowers and give it to What’s-his-name.
3. Please tell me you were simply using medical journals as an example and you don’t sit around reading them for fun.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:45 pm
You kill me. So funny!! We’re writing a compliance manual for work today and I heard the same thing, ironically. “Dumb it down. Lose the legalese.” Apparently an 8th grade reading level is appropriate. Would that be me in the 8th grade or my dumbass brother?
Argh.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:47 pm
P.S. When my son was 4, he totally ran up to this lady in Sprint and stuck his face in her vagina. Yep, he’s his father’s son.
October 3rd, 2008 at 9:24 am
I’ve spent the last day responding to requests from my customer’s french procurement person regarding the 10MM contract we have concluded negotiating:
“This section is no indented like the others”
“You left clause 3 as ‘Intentionally Blank’ – which means nothing to me. So I changed ze numbers.” (thereby throwing off every single reference to any section following 2)
“The table on page 45 cannot print totally”
There is a reason people hate the french.
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:31 am
1. I think it’s nice, every office looks better with some flowers in it. And you can tell everyone they are from a HAWTIE! hehe
Increase your studliness around the watercooler!
2. Poor Boss, lol. Our oldest daughter grabbed a bank teller’s, very generously sized, breasts once and said, “bub bubs!” Which is a one year old’s way of saying, “lunch!”
3. This is a very acceptable Rooney Rant. I approve. The Mister loves the following quote; The average intelligence of the average person is below average. It’s his mantra when in meetings with people who are frustratingly dim.
4. This just made me laugh – especially Bev’s reply. I will not bore you with my list of favorite W.S. quotes – I have several. I was one of those dorky girls in high school who actually spent babysitting money on a leather bound, vintage edition of all his works.
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:34 pm
i’m sorry, but did you just say “punched her in the vagina?” pretty sure that’s what i read.
what a little punk.
October 4th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
QTMama – Well, aren’t you a sweetheart. Come put your head in my lap and I’ll tell you all the world’s secrets.
October 4th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Bev – I hear a woman hasn’t lived if she haven’t had her vagina punched.
I was going to write my entire response to you in legalese but I realized that Amazon hadn’t yet delivered your dictionary.
You *do* seem to know a lot of odd things…
October 4th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
KT – I <3 teachers.
QTMama does, indeed, rock. And I haven’t read a medical journal in years.
October 4th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
PT-LawMom – I thought Sprint sold vaginas and gave out free samples.
No?
October 4th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Instigator – You know what you need? some pomme frites with truffle cream. Then you will feel some love for the French once more.
October 4th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Tiffany – Wait. I’m confused. I thought Sprint sold vaginas and banks gave out boobs. I don’t see the problem.
And your leather bound volume has earned you the stamp: MegaNerd.
October 4th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Lily – Yup. She got vagine punched.
And not in a good way.
October 6th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Ohhh, does that come with a pocket protector and a season pass to the science museum?
October 6th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
RE – So it took me like a day to figure out that ‘<3′ is a sideways heart…I could not figure out why you were ‘less than three’ teachers…d’oh. Stressed I am. Thinking clearly I am not.
I -heart- lawyers. Really, I do. I want to be one when I grow up.