Candy, Nuts, Circle Jerks, Sucky Nuts, and Sarah Palin.
1. Every single time I catch that stupid show Unwrapped on TV, I suddenly decide I must eat whatever random candy they’ve just shown me. I find myself now craving Squirrel Nut Zippers – a candy I’d never even heard of about 10 minutes ago. And again, I’d just like to say that I’m amazed that ingredients are seemingly measured by hand. It kills me to see employees scooping sugar out and counting cups. For real people? Machines can wrap 300 pieces of candy a second and we’re still measuring the ingredients by hand?
2. Speaking of nuts… If you’re allergic to nuts, I gotta tell you, that sucks. Because nuts are really good. I’m just saying that I’m sorry you’re going to be denied the goodness that is nuts. That’d be like someone telling me that I’m allergic to steak. Screw that.
3. Have you ever watched some guys eat nuts out of a bowl? They shake them in their closed fist and the motion is ridiculously similar to whacking off. Watching a bunch of guys eat nuts is like watching a circle jerk.
4. I won’t lie. Some nuts suck. Pecans aren’t that great unless you add Karo Syrup to them, bake that shit and call it a pie. And walnuts? Ehhhhh. Maybe candied and in a salad with some goat cheese but otherwise, what the hell is the world doing with all those walnuts?
5. Sarah Palin. I take it back. Not even with the Fox Network’s dick.
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:25 am
Hmm walnuts are so ugly. No-one likes ugly nuts.
Take that how you will…
Once my friend had a bad allergy in a shopping complex food court. She was taken to hospital in a superfast and scary ambulance ride, and then when she got there they cut off her favourite (and brand new) bra so they could treat her. She was real mad.
That’s reason enough not to want to be allergic to nuts, if you ask me.
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:52 am
“Watching a bunch of guys eat nuts is like watching a circle jerk.”
And you were watching a circle jerk when…? ;D
One of my family friends from way back, Matt, went with us to Disneyland, or some other random theme park. He bought one of those pickles that you buy in a bag. They’re huge. You cut a hole in the top of the bag, push the pickle out little by little, and eat. He couldn’t understand why people kept staring at him. Maybe it was because it looked like he was eating a big green dick in a bag.
That past post was fishy, this one’s just nutty!
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:23 am
Pistachios are like crack, once you have a taste you must eat a whole bag, and what doesn’t make sense is they are pain in the ass to eat unlike most nuts. What other nut do you try to crack an unopened shell with your teeth when there is a whole bag remaining? It makes no sense. Unwrapped is my wife’s bedtime lullaby, she puts that on before we go to bed and 2 minutes later she is out, but of course I have to stay up another half hour and find out how cheetos and tootsie pops are made.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:01 am
Mwah-ha-ha. That last one had me on the floor.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Funny stuff…
Brazil nuts, why? Just why? They look weird – taste horrid – and you don’t even use them for baking anything tasty. I vote we remove them from the planet all together.
I have to agree with Buzd that pistachios are nutty crack. My toddler is a total addict and will BEG for “tasheeows” when she see’s them in the store. She can pass the candy isle no prob – but those nuts send her into a frenzy.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Buzd – at Costco you can buy a bag of SHELLED pistachios. Delightful! Dangerous! Its a BIG bag! Its nuts for the lazy.
I’m with Tiffany on the Brazil nuts. Big ugly bad nuts!
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:30 pm
4. Seriously. Walnuts are good in The World’s Best Cookies, which, fortunately, I happen to make. Or candied in salads. That’s about it.
5. Thank you.
We’re having our superleft friends over to watch the debate on Friday night. Love them! Can’t wait!
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:13 pm
errrmmm…i loves me some pecans. ESPECIALLY in pie. mmm…piiiieeeee…
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Kez – See? Nothing good comes from a nut allergy!
Of course, the next time I see a beautiful woman cough or gasp, I’m going to ask if she’s allergic to nuts and would like me to cut her bra off.
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Avitania – Okay, so I’ve never seen a circle jerk. heh.
I’ve never eaten a pickle from a bag. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever even used the word ‘pickle’ and ‘bag’ in the same sentence.
Fish! Nuts! Pick a theme for another entry.
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Buzd – What’s odd is that I can’t remember the last time I ate a pistachio. But I do like them.
See, that’s the thing – it’s sort of addictive. I just learned how Funyuns are made. (Is that how you spell that??)
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:28 pm
PT-LawMom – Hey there! Thank you for the shout-out on your blog. Glad you liked that last one.
I hope you’re getting some well deserved rest.
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Tiffany – YES. I was thinking of Brazil nuts. What’s the point? Whose making their living growing these things?
And what’re they lacing those pistachios with? Seems everyone loves them.
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Instigator – You know what? Not even talkin’ to you, date breaker.
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:34 pm
KT – Oooh, yeah, walnuts in cookies are good.
5. Yes. It was a phase. One I am over.
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Lily – would you ever just *eat* one, though?
September 24th, 2008 at 12:01 am
I am never going to be able to watch anyone eat nuts now without some serious giggle-loop issues.
P.S. It is a good thing you have come to your sense about Palin. I was worried about you for a while.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:46 am
KT, I am totally having my crazy political debater friend over for the Debate on Friday too. We are going to make it into a drinking game to make even more enjoyable. For example when Obama says “Change” everyone drinks, when McCain says “My friends” everyone drinks. We are still working on the rules but it is going to get sloppy by the end of the debate. What will be even better is when the Vice Presidential debate occurs, every time Palin looks dumbfounded or references her vast experience in Alaska everyone drinks, so the local liquor store is in trouble. RE after that debate Palin will really be looking good with the crazy beer goggles I will be wearing, even Fox Network’s dick will be an option.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Buzd, that totally cracked me up. Great idea.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:54 am
3. I totally see it! My husband doesn’t get it, he’s probably guilty of nut-shakin’.
4. Trader Joe’s has cinnamon pecans that are to die for. mmmmmm
5. LOL! That cracks me up!
September 24th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Buzd – LOVE IT. That’s awesome. I am looking forward to the VP debate like…hm…I was going to say ‘like a redneck looks forward to a cockfight’ but that seems tacky. Only this is like a cockfight with a 30 pound rooster and a scrawny little chicken. Not really a fair fight, but interesting to watch. I think it’ll be hard to look away…like a car accident…
RE – topic suggestion: Balls
(which, given the cockfight reference, is understandably hard to believe)
September 24th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
So underneath “RE – topic suggestion: Balls” in my above post, it said something like ‘bats eyelashes innocently’ but I put it in those little greater than/less than signs…and apparently those don’t post…it makes a lot more sense that way.
As in:
RE – topic suggestion: Balls
-bats eyelashes innocently-
(which, given the cockfight reference, is understandably hard to believe)
September 24th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Pinkgerbil – Yup, I’ve come to my senses! Down with Palin!