Random Esquire

Do you ever hear a song and for some odd reason, you recognize it and it strikes you right then as awesome?  And you want to play it for your friends and say, “Remember this song? It’s awesome.”  And you go purchase it on iTunes and then a month later, you’re like, “Seriously?”

Seriously.  Welcome to my latest download: Kenny Loggin’s  Whenever I call you “friend”

Sweet love’s showin’ us a heavenly light
Never seen such a beautiful sight
See love glowing on us every night
I know forever we’ll be doing it, doing it

WTF.

Skip to 1:06 or 2:57 to see what’s going through my head.  Is that the most ridiculous video you’ve ever seen?

Honestly, I might have been better off pondering toothpaste and Dolly Parton.

1.  Every single time I catch that stupid show Unwrapped on TV, I suddenly decide I must eat whatever random candy they’ve just shown me.  I find myself now craving Squirrel Nut Zippers – a candy I’d never even heard of about 10 minutes ago.  And again, I’d just like to say that I’m amazed that ingredients are seemingly measured by hand.  It kills me to see employees scooping sugar out and counting cups.  For real people?  Machines can wrap 300 pieces of candy a second and we’re still measuring the ingredients by hand?

2.  Speaking of nuts… If you’re allergic to nuts, I gotta tell you, that sucks.  Because nuts are really good.  I’m just saying that I’m sorry you’re going to be denied the goodness that is nuts.  That’d be like someone telling me that I’m allergic to steak.  Screw that.

3.  Have you ever watched some guys eat nuts out of a bowl?  They shake them in their closed fist and the motion is ridiculously similar to whacking off.  Watching a bunch of guys eat nuts is like watching a circle jerk.

4.  I won’t lie. Some nuts suck.  Pecans aren’t that great unless you add Karo Syrup to them, bake that shit and call it a pie.  And walnuts?  Ehhhhh.  Maybe candied and in a salad with some goat cheese but otherwise, what the hell is the world doing with all those walnuts?

5.  Sarah Palin.  I take it back.  Not even with the Fox Network’s dick.