Rooney Rant.
1. I broke up with a girl once because she had, in my humble opinion, too much facial hair on her upper lip. I figured the problem was only going to get worse.
2. I have bad eyes. Like…really bad eyes. In fact, if you tell me your prescription, I will probably laugh and offer to trade you peepers. I jumped into the shower (why is it people ‘jump’ into the shower?) this morning in a bit of a rush and did so before putting in my contacts. Result? I used Little Filthy’s conditioner.
3. I don’t understand movies like My Best Friend’s Wedding or Made of Honor in which the point of the movie is to convince you to cheer on some asshole who didn’t love someone until that person was about to get married. God, I hate romantic comedies.
4. You know, John McCain, I’m pretty sure that Obama isn’t suggesting we teach kindergarten children how to put Tab A into Slot B so quit acting like he is.
5. Hey man, you’re taking public transportation. Which means that members of the public will be on the train and may sit next to you and you should accept that as a matter of due course. So don’t put your damn bag on the seat next to you and act like you’re sleeping.
6. Holy crap, AIG – for real? 85 Billion dollars? Assholes.
7. Don’t serve me raw shrimp with squeezed on lemon juice and call it ceviche because if the shrimp are still translucent, it’s just raw, lemony shrimp. Idiot. And don’t split a shrimp down the back unless you’re going to clean out the poop chute because I’m not eating what even a lowly shrimp decided was waste product.
8. Escalator laws: Stand on right. Walk on Left. Don’t block the whole way. Don’t fall down. Tie your shoes before you get on. Don’t stop moving at the top. Got it?
9. For God’s sake, man, do not wear freakin’ penny loafers with a suit. What’re you, 7?
10. Why the hell is my blog now underlining every link? Why must you hate me, blog?
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Great rants! I think I need to do a rant post soon – I’ve been saving them up.
Well, at least you won’t get fleas after using LF’s conditioner. Kala’s shampoo is called “doggy style.”
September 17th, 2008 at 10:21 am
I have been a daily reader of your blog for some time now (a year plus). Every morning I have my coffee, my newspaper, and my RE. If you haven’t been told yet, you are absolutely hilarious. Thank you for all your humor and insight. I never thought I’d be leaving a comment on here, but figured it about damn time!
September 17th, 2008 at 10:28 am
A lot of women have the facial hair problem. Not sure how you as a guy can ever broach it…
My eyesight is pretty bad as well. Muse on laser surgery every now and then but probably won’t ever get it
September 17th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Seriously… i have always hated My Best Friend’s Wedding, but we must watch it every girl’s weekend. I always thought there was something wrong w/me for not liking it. ;D
I totally hear you on the escalator bit- WHY DO PEOPLE STOP AT THE TOP? idiots.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:41 am
1. I stopped calling a dude back once because he had a weird “O” face. Seriously, it looked like I was hurting him. I would stop and ask “are you ok?” each and every time.
2. HA! Wait… there’s CONDITIONER for dogs? When I had dogs it was just shampoo…
3. Good point. I like romantic comedies in general, just not those ones. Can you imagine, getting married and having one of your closest friends pull that shit? Argh.
4. Tee Hee
5. HA! Public transpo is fantastic.
6. The people at Lehman must be pissed!
7. OOOh… I want more of that story!
8. You’ll become the new escalator monitor now… tee hee
9. Or at all in my opinion. Wreaks of pretentiousness
10. So, I think my response to you yesterday re: your blog was because I was at work and the web browser was in protection mode or something. Whatever. Maybe your blog wants you to post more yummy pictures…
September 17th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Just so you know, I’m laughing at you today.
HEHE, I love me a good rant post.
Life’s not all that bad though. I bet you’re hair is shiney! Although if you’ve recently eatten shimp doodie I’m not sure that really counts for much.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
So how does your hair feel after using LF’s conditioner? I always wonder about that. Ripley has started using a shampoo by Paul Mitchell Pet for brightening. It smells just like another Paul Mitchell shampoo I’ve used before. It comes in a very similar bottle. I’m afraid that one day I’ll end up using it by accident.
Re #3: I hadn’t thought about it that way, but you’re right — that is rather annoying. Why should we cheer the guy who’s been a total doofus all along until the last minute? And why should the girl put her life on hold to wait for said doofus? Lamez. Although I did see “Made of Honor” on my way to Bali and I have to admit it was amusing. But then again, my choices were rather limited.
Oh. And I’m proud to eat some weird stuff, but seeing a shrimp’s shitter totally grosses me out. And this is coming from a girl who is curious to try some horsemeat while in Italy.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
I have strong and often horrible opinions on Andy Rooney. Those eyebrows are as bad as his opinions and as bad as hairy upper female lips.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
-8.25 and -7.75.
Re. escalators, when I studied abroad in Tokyo, I learned that it’s the opposite sides there. But of course they’re so polite, they won’t say anything and instead would wait patiently behind me while I cause a 50 person human traffic jam in the subway station.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
can’t. stop. laughing. need. oxygen. soon. GOD!
September 17th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Facial hair can be removed – my issue is teeth. Cannot deal with bad teeth. Could not date men with crooked teeth. Much harder to fix than hair. Which pretty much eliminates all the men in England.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Hahaha. I bet your hair smells all cute and caniney now.
Excellent rant, I must say!
September 17th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Nicely done rant. Well played.
I think it’s kind of funny that everyone pretty much accepts that your dog has conditioner.
Let’s just think about that one for a minute.
Your DOG has CONDITIONER.
Seriously?
September 17th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Bev – Yesss, do a rant. Your rant would be rantastic. Is her shampoo really called that? That’s awesome.
Nic – Your comment made my day. Thanks.
Red Wine Gums – Dude, I’m not sure how anyone would broach it. I just met with my eye doc and I think I’m gonna bite the bullet on lasik next year.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Geekgirl – Hey there! Glad we agree on that movie. It sucks. The people who stop are the top of an escalator are also the people who stare at other people as if no one can see them doing it. No self-awareness.
SnarkyRunner – I laughed out loud at the “O” face comment. And yeah, dude, the mutt needs conditioner. It wasn’t my choice; he picked it out. And no, I can’t imagine a friend pulling that crap at mah nup-shuls. Obnoxious. The raw shrimp thing…basically, I went out to eat and was served ceviche that hadn’t marinated in the acid more than 3 minutes. It was horrible.
Tiffany – Yup, shiney hair. And yeah, if I had shrimp doodie breath, that’d be baaaad.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Avitania – silky smooth, baby. Does your dog seriously have Paul Mitchell shampoo? Heh. Your dog is so metro. I am now going to call that “shrimp shitter” all the time. And I think the horsemeat is now illegal in Italy.
Spermlacher – Is that dude married? I thought wives made sure their husbands didn’t leave with eyebrows like that.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
imurdstiny – I scoff at your eyes. They are binoculars to me. (Okay, maybe not *that* bad) I just had my eyes checked last week. 8.5 and 9.5. That’s contacts. Glasses? 9.5 and 10.5.
I laughed at your Tokyo story – that’s sort of awesome that they were so polite.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Lily – I love people who are easily amused. It suits me.
Instigator – Ah yes, your teeth thing. Oh, and you can’t lean over. You know, you can’t lean over.
Kez – Very caniney. Ranting feels good!
KT – *laugh* Yeah, he’s got conditioner. Boss really liked him to smell good so we got it and now it’s just a habit. He’s unwilling to give it up because the bitches dig it.
September 18th, 2008 at 8:36 am
I am in the Navy and they covered the bill for PRK. My eye sight is better than 20/20 now. But, don’t ever get PRK go with LASIK. The Navy only lets a small amount of people do the LASIK and the PRK they have been doing longer and apparently is more approved and tested. So for PRK let me describe it:
1. They put these strong numbing drops on your eye.
2. So unlike LASIK where they make a round incision around the cornea and peel back the flap the membrane that covers your cornea. This is what gets scratched if you ever scratch your eyeball and it hurts like hell and your eyes water for a day. Well with PRK they take a what looked like a sonic care tooth brush head and they essentially just use the brush grind that membrane away.
3. They put the eye under the laser machine and they reshape your cornea.
4. Repeat for the other eye.
5. 15 minutes later the numbing drops wear off and you are doubled over in pain for 3 days.
6. For those three days you are counting the seconds for they next numbing drops that you are on a strict time schedule that gets longer between doses to ween you off them. But if you weren’t afraid the drops if not taken per the prescribed doses would affect your permanent vision, you would take them every 10 minutes. But fortunately you also get to take wonderful Percocet every 6 hours.
For LASIK those people get that membrane flap back on there eye after the laser part and there is very little recovery time. But after all said and done I love not worrying about glasses, contacts and being able to wear cool sunglasses, that the pain was worth it.
September 18th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Buzd – Holy CRAP. I cringed at the “grind that membrane away.” I’m not sure there’s enough Percocet in the world to make me try that. Man, what’s your pain threshold?? Now I’m going to have to google that procedure. That’s really something else.
September 18th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Seriously I was thinking to myself am I her for a teeth cleaning too. I found out soon enough things were not going to be pleasant.
September 18th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Buzd: I just read this about PRK:
“The laser machine will make a steady clicking sound while the laser pulses are happening, and you may smell a faintly acrid odor during the tissue removal. Don’t worry, that’s normal.”
Oh HELL no. Then this:
“The doctor may prescribe medication for any postoperative pain, but many people feel no more than mild discomfort or “scratchiness” afterward.”
At which, I snorted.
September 19th, 2008 at 7:21 am
Oh yea I totally forgot about the burning flesh smell, I am sure that is true for both procedures though.
“Scrachiness” my ass, I was begging for more Percecet after day 2. Have you ever scratched your eye on accident it flipping hurts and just think of both your eyeball getting scratched X10.
September 20th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
RE, *definitely* get LASIK, hon. I had it 7 yrs ago and haven’t regretted it for one second. I don’t remember the burning flesh smell, thank God. They did give me a Valium to calm me for the procedure, and my eyes felt a little scratchy for a day or two, but those were minor inconveniences. (Definitely have someone go with you to drive you home.) And if you’re over 40, buy reading glasses…LOTS of reading glasses. My presbyopia became much more pronounced after my vision was made perfect. It’s one of the downfalls, but manageable. I even found sexy polka-dotted reading SUNglasses (with a matching case). The cabana boys can’t tell I’m wearing old-lady glasses to read my (large print) books on the beach. Yes, I’m hot. LOL
September 20th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Correction: Valium was *not* a minor inconvenience. My bad.
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Buzd – I’ve scratched my eye once and it was horrible. Any light at all sent me into a tail spin.
I just talked to my doc about lasik and I’m going to go in for an evaluation in the next month or so. Woo!
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:43 pm
KissyFace – I think I’d take a valium before the whole thing, too. I’d over-think it as they put those eye clamps in and then I’d bite a pencil in two.
I’ll probably pass on the polka-dotted glasses… but who knows?