Random Esquire

1.  I broke up with a girl once because she had, in my humble opinion, too much facial hair on her upper lip.  I figured the problem was only going to get worse.

2.  I have bad eyes.  Like…really bad eyes.  In fact, if you tell me your prescription, I will probably laugh and offer to trade you peepers.  I jumped into the shower (why is it people ‘jump’ into the shower?) this morning in a bit of a rush and did so before putting in my contacts.  Result?  I used Little Filthy’s conditioner.

3.  I don’t understand movies like My Best Friend’s Wedding or Made of Honor in which the point of the movie is to convince you to cheer on some asshole who didn’t love someone until that person was about to get married.  God, I hate romantic comedies.

4.   You know, John McCain, I’m pretty sure that Obama isn’t suggesting we teach kindergarten children how to put Tab A into Slot B so quit acting like he is.

5.   Hey man, you’re taking public transportation.  Which means that members of the public will be on the train and may sit next to you and you should accept that as a matter of due course.  So don’t put your damn bag on the seat next to you and act like you’re sleeping.

6.  Holy crap, AIG – for real? 85 Billion dollars?  Assholes.

7.  Don’t serve me raw shrimp with squeezed on lemon juice and call it ceviche because if the shrimp are still translucent, it’s just raw, lemony shrimp.  Idiot.  And don’t split a shrimp down the back unless you’re going to clean out the poop chute because I’m not eating what even a lowly shrimp decided was waste product.

8.  Escalator laws:  Stand on right.  Walk on Left.  Don’t block the whole way.  Don’t fall down.  Tie your shoes before you get on.  Don’t stop moving at the top.  Got it?

9.  For God’s sake, man, do not wear freakin’ penny loafers with a suit.  What’re you, 7?

10.  Why the hell is my blog now underlining every link?  Why must you hate me, blog?