Random Esquire

1.  My phone rings.  I answer it and hear singing. It’s the Italian and he’s had a weekend of sex and fun with his Venezuelan girlfriend.  I listen for the first 5 minutes as he singsongs about his weekend.  He says, breathlessly and in a huge blur, “Do you know how many freakin’ orgasms this woman had?  And I believe it!  I may be a schmuck, but I believe it!”

I laugh and he says, “You know why I tell you these things? Because you’re an enabler.  Oh, I like being enabled.”

2.  When I eat breakfast foods, I want a little bit of everything.  A bite of a pancake, a bit of a biscuit, a sausage link, a strip of bacon, eggs, a bite of a crepe, etc.  I don’t want much of any one thing, I just don’t want to eat a plate of pancakes and not have the sweet evened out by something savory.  This is what I think about when blogging in the morning, I guess.

3.  Well, as previously reported…I am taking my mother to go see Tina Turner on Friday.  This means I will have taken my mother to Oprah and my father to Diana Ross and now, my mother to Tina Turner.  Gee, where should I take my dad next?  Bette Midler?

*sigh*

Do you ever hear a song and for some odd reason, you recognize it and it strikes you right then as awesome?  And you want to play it for your friends and say, “Remember this song? It’s awesome.”  And you go purchase it on iTunes and then a month later, you’re like, “Seriously?”

Seriously.  Welcome to my latest download: Kenny Loggin’s  Whenever I call you “friend”

Sweet love’s showin’ us a heavenly light
Never seen such a beautiful sight
See love glowing on us every night
I know forever we’ll be doing it, doing it

WTF.

Skip to 1:06 or 2:57 to see what’s going through my head.  Is that the most ridiculous video you’ve ever seen?

Honestly, I might have been better off pondering toothpaste and Dolly Parton.

1.  Every single time I catch that stupid show Unwrapped on TV, I suddenly decide I must eat whatever random candy they’ve just shown me.  I find myself now craving Squirrel Nut Zippers – a candy I’d never even heard of about 10 minutes ago.  And again, I’d just like to say that I’m amazed that ingredients are seemingly measured by hand.  It kills me to see employees scooping sugar out and counting cups.  For real people?  Machines can wrap 300 pieces of candy a second and we’re still measuring the ingredients by hand?

2.  Speaking of nuts… If you’re allergic to nuts, I gotta tell you, that sucks.  Because nuts are really good.  I’m just saying that I’m sorry you’re going to be denied the goodness that is nuts.  That’d be like someone telling me that I’m allergic to steak.  Screw that.

3.  Have you ever watched some guys eat nuts out of a bowl?  They shake them in their closed fist and the motion is ridiculously similar to whacking off.  Watching a bunch of guys eat nuts is like watching a circle jerk.

4.  I won’t lie. Some nuts suck.  Pecans aren’t that great unless you add Karo Syrup to them, bake that shit and call it a pie.  And walnuts?  Ehhhhh.  Maybe candied and in a salad with some goat cheese but otherwise, what the hell is the world doing with all those walnuts?

5.  Sarah Palin.  I take it back.  Not even with the Fox Network’s dick.

1.  Have you heard the 911 call of the young woman working at a City Laundry & Cleaners?  The store was robbed and the robber shot her in the back of the head.  Miraculously, she was able to drag herself to a phone and call 911.  I am ashamed to say that there is a part of the call that makes me laugh.  Here’s a transcript:

911 Operator:  Hello 911, What is your emergency?

Young woman:  I’ve been shot and I just got robbed.

911 Operator:  You’ve been shot and robbed??

Okay, it’s how the Operator says, “You’ve been shot AND robbed?!”  Like she can’t believe this woman’s bad luck.  First, she gets shot but then they robbed her on top of it?  I know it shouldn’t make me laugh.  I’m not sure it can be helped.

2.  For some reason, I was thinking about Dolly Parton today.  I know, I can’t explain why I get these thoughts.  That just reminded of me of the time I pondered what would happen if all the tubes of toothpaste were sold out.  I know it seems like I should have better things to think about but you know what?  Not so much.  Anyway, it sort of amazes me that so many people love Dolly Parton that she has her own theme park.  That’s sort of outrageous, right?  It’s like backwoods Tennessee threw up all over Disney.  How many banjos do you think are in Dollywood right now?  It’s like trying to guess how many jelly beans are in a jar.  Man, I wish there was a way to get that answer.

3.  The monster was smelling like a cross between corn chips and dirt.  It was time for a bath.  While I scrubbed him down, I calmly explained to him that it was perfectly okay that his skin was nourished with oatmeal extracts, that the girls like a good smelling fellow and it doesn’t matter if some people think it’s odd.  What matters is that he likes it and it makes him feel good.

Little Filthy licking water off his nose.

I smell good. Don't be a hater.

I’ve a story about my lousy day.  Want to hear it?  Here it go.

1.  I drop Little Filthy off at the vet at 7 this morning for his 6 month poke and prod.  I then pick up a bag of dog food, some toys and (now I’m embarrassed to say) some conditioner.  I get to the counter and swipe my credit card.  The cashier looks at me and said, “Your card wasn’t approved.”

*blink*

I say, “That’s bizarre!”  I swipe it again.   She shakes her head, “No. Not approved.”  Now, I don’t know this woman.  I don’t really care what she thinks.  Until now.  Until now that my credit card has been declined.  Mind you, I don’t carry a balance and am so obsessed with having great credit that I’ve been called FICO Psycho.  I know nothing is wrong with my credit card and I have to resist the urge to lean over and say, “I am not a bum.”  Which I realize is nuts.  But there you have it.

Now, I had just run Boss to CostCo earlier in the week to get some things and she’d paid me back with a crisp new $100 bill.  I pull it out and hand it to the cashier.  She looks at me skeptically, pulls out her fake-money pen and marks it.  Then she holds it up to the light and scrutinizes it.  Of course I feel like the shadiest bastard ever because first my card wasn’t approved and then I paid her with a hundred.  I’m now convinced she thinks I’m a bum with bum bills. Bill passes the test and I’m on my way back home.  (Later found out something was wrong with their machine and my card was fine. Sheesh.)

2.  The vet calls.  Little Filthy is in great shape.  Except…one thing.  Of course.  The monster has a little tartar.  You’d think I’d been filling his mouth with skittles and marshmallows before bed time, the way she said it.  You may recall my mission to brush Little Filthy’s teeth and the subsequent intervention I had to have with the little guy.  Dog owner FAIL.

3.  I go to pick up the monster.  I get the bill and it seems low.  I said, “Did you microchip him?”  The nurse says, “Oh…were they supposed to? Let me go back and see.”  She disappears into the back and then comes back out and announces to the room full of dog owners, “They couldn’t restrain him long enough to get the chip in.”  I go crimson.  I say, “Can we try it now and I’ll hold him?”  She says, “Let me go ask.”  She disappears into the back.  She returns almost immediately afterward and says, “They don’t want to.”

At this point, I just want the beast so we can go home.  And everyone in the waiting room is dying to see what sort of monster I’m raising.  She goes back to get Little Filthy.  He comes trotting out, lays at my feet, sets his head on my shoes and promptly falls asleep while I pay the bill.  I manage a wry smile in response to the grins of the waiting room folks as we leave.

*sigh*  It’s exhausting going to the vet.  For both of us.

1.  The Italian likes to impersonate his girlfriend’s accent.  This isn’t so bad but he likes to do it while repeating things she said to him in bed. I’ll pick up the phone and he’ll break out in an accent and say, “Ohhh, jess enjoyyyy eet!”  And, I admit, I usually bust out in a laugh.  Earlier in the week, he said, “Ooohhh, do you feeeeeel deee freak-shoooow?”  I said, “Wait,… freak show?”  He said, “Freak-showwwn.”Oh.

Friction.

Dude is just wrong.   Don’t get me wrong.  We laughed at ourselves for a good five minutes.

2.  If you’ve been reading QTMama, you know that she has a crush on “Chicago Man”, a guy she met while visiting Chicago last month.  As it happens, I frequently have occasion to cross paths with Chicago Man and I knew I would be doing so tonight.  I let QTMama know this and before I knew what happened, she was trying to get me to go to a florist to pick up a flower to bring to this dude so I could say it was from her and wasn’t that romantic?

You know what?  Didn’t happen.

3.   I’m going to bed.  While the clock still says ‘p.m.’  It’s the first time in weeks.

1.  I broke up with a girl once because she had, in my humble opinion, too much facial hair on her upper lip.  I figured the problem was only going to get worse.

2.  I have bad eyes.  Like…really bad eyes.  In fact, if you tell me your prescription, I will probably laugh and offer to trade you peepers.  I jumped into the shower (why is it people ‘jump’ into the shower?) this morning in a bit of a rush and did so before putting in my contacts.  Result?  I used Little Filthy’s conditioner.

3.  I don’t understand movies like My Best Friend’s Wedding or Made of Honor in which the point of the movie is to convince you to cheer on some asshole who didn’t love someone until that person was about to get married.  God, I hate romantic comedies.

4.   You know, John McCain, I’m pretty sure that Obama isn’t suggesting we teach kindergarten children how to put Tab A into Slot B so quit acting like he is.

5.   Hey man, you’re taking public transportation.  Which means that members of the public will be on the train and may sit next to you and you should accept that as a matter of due course.  So don’t put your damn bag on the seat next to you and act like you’re sleeping.

6.  Holy crap, AIG – for real? 85 Billion dollars?  Assholes.

7.  Don’t serve me raw shrimp with squeezed on lemon juice and call it ceviche because if the shrimp are still translucent, it’s just raw, lemony shrimp.  Idiot.  And don’t split a shrimp down the back unless you’re going to clean out the poop chute because I’m not eating what even a lowly shrimp decided was waste product.

8.  Escalator laws:  Stand on right.  Walk on Left.  Don’t block the whole way.  Don’t fall down.  Tie your shoes before you get on.  Don’t stop moving at the top.  Got it?

9.  For God’s sake, man, do not wear freakin’ penny loafers with a suit.  What’re you, 7?

10.  Why the hell is my blog now underlining every link?  Why must you hate me, blog?

1.  Figs are gritty.  I know it’s just the seeds but the grit still makes me cringe.  Fig Newtons are sort of like gritty cookies. (picture by Xerones)

2.  I turned on the TV tonight to a pizza dough rolling competition.  These guys were all competing to see who could roll the largest crust without tearing the dough.  One guy was getting ready to start and he kept rubbing the dough ball, intense concentration on his face, and this guy from the audience screams, “This is yours!  You’ve been waiting your whole life for this moment!”

That’s supposed to be encouragement?  That might make me pause and rethink the direction my life has been heading.

3. God, I hate the phrase “Dessert Pizza.”  It just does not sit right with me.

4.  I find it very funny that the slogan for Botox is “Freedom of Expression.”

5.  I spoke with my sister tonight and she called their nanny a “quirky bird.”  I said, “Quirky bird?”  She said, “Yeah… you know, a quirky bird.”  Is this slang I’m not aware of?  Then she said that my niece she smells weakness in a nanny like a wolf smells a lamb.  I daresay she sounded proud.

1.  Have you ever seen a Halibut?  It’s ugly.  When it’s born (hatched? wtf do I know), the eyes are on either side of the fish but then one slowly migrates to the other side as the fish rests flat on the ocean floor…so that both eyes are facing up.  That’s really jacked up, isn’t it? Picture here, at the bottom of the page.  No clue why it’s on the dog breed info page.  That’s jacked up, too.

2.   Speaking of ugly fish, here’s a monkfish.  Tell me you wouldn’t crap yourself if that bumped you in the water.

3.  Discovery Channel has this new show called Tuna Wranglers.  It’s pretty interesting to watch to see how they catch tuna (with a plane flying overhead to spot the school and boat that circles the school in a huge ass net that cinches at the bottom).  It’s no Deadliest Catch, though.  Apparently, I’m not the only one who thinks so because this blog (er,…called Pisstakers) did an entry on how tuna fishing is to crab fishing as catching a koala bear is to catching a black bear. Here are my favorite lines: “The only things they have in common are, they are all in a boat, all on the water, all after fish and all enjoy feeding false info to their competitors. Oh, and they all like a beer and return to port smelling like a whore’s drawers. ”

4.  I’m reading Moby Dick.