Random Esquire

1. I said something remarkably stupid to Besos. Here’s the thing…sometimes I forget that she’s Mexican. I realize that sounds stupid. But I forget. (Hey, pretty women do this to me…) Until at one point last weekend, I looked at her and sort of did a double take. She said, “What?” I said, “Sometimes I forget that you’re Mexican.” I could sense her resisting the urge to groan or roll her eyes. She said, “What?!” I said, “I forget and then I look at you and you look distinctly Mexican and then I realize that it’s like…it’s like I’m dating Maria from Sesame Street.”

I know. I know.

I’m an idiot.

2. Do extra-large eggs come from extra-large chickens? Or does the same size chicken lay different sizes of eggs, which are sorted later?

3. This morning, on the news, a reporter said, “Three masked men banged on the front door and burst in…and that’s when things turned bad.” I don’t know. I think the turn happened a little earlier, myself.

4. Emma Thompson is out. I have a new soccer mom crush. It’s Natalie Morales from The Today Show.

(more…)

1.  It occurred to me today that we’re all just a bunch of intestines, blood, organs and viscera, etc.  Which made me think, “Thank God for skin.”  But then we’re just these great big bags of skin, filled with intestines and blood and organs and viscera, etc.  Ugh.  And we touch each other.

FTW.

2.  Again I am mystified when I see a hair on the train.  A hair from someone’s head.  Food they bought at some grocery store and then ate contributed to the make-up of that hair and that hair grew on someone’s head and survived multiple hair washings until it eventually fell out and landed on someone’s coat before it was walked to the station and it eventually fell.  On the train.

I don’t like it.

3.   There are millions of people who routinely urinate and do not wash their hands.  Because they somehow think that it’s okay to touch things after a brief encounter with their own genitals.

I love the song Paradise by the Dashboard Lights.

Don’t hate me for being juvenile.

My work on Friday afternoon was diverted with The Italian called me.  And he wished to talk Plush.  So we talked Plush.  Then, he broke out in song.  About Plush.  I told him he should sing to her and, never one to shy from a dare, he said, “Then call her!  Let’s conference her in.”

So I called her.  Mind you, The Italian and Plush have never met.  I said, “I have someone on the other line who wants to say something to you.”  Plush, completely unfazed, said, “Okay!”  So I made the connection and then…then, my friends, The Italian serenaded Plush with…Brandy.  As in, “Plush, you’re fine girl, what a good wife you would be! But my life, my love and my lady is the sea.”

Seriously.

Plush laughed and complimented his singing.  This was generous of her because Plush…well, suffice to say that Plush can sing.  Then I told the Italian that he should sing the theme song from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (one of his favorite things to do).  He asked her to sing along.  Did I mention that Plush was at the gym and on the ab machine?  Yeah.  So I pointed my handy Treo at the phone and recorded it as they both sang the entire song…The Italian while driving and Plush while doing crunches.

These two must never meet.  Complete chaos would ensue.  However, it is hopeless to wish some things never to come to pass because the Italian is coming to Chicago to visit this summer and I know he will not rest until he has a dose of Plush.

Prepare thyself, Random.

1. I told a friend today I was going to hell. His response? “Upgrade to first class so we can sit next to each other.”

2. If a girl shows you the massive bug bite on her swollen, red thumb, you should say, “Whoa, that looks painful! Does it hurt?”

You should not say, “Might as well get that cut off now. Spare yourself the agony of watching it rot off.”

That is what you should not do.

3. I had lunch with Instigator today. I paid. You know why? Because she was wearing a skirt and put on lipstick. I’m a simple creature. I believe there will be a party at Instigator’s place in August. Getting invited is like scoring an invite to the Oscars. I asked if there would be a swag bag. She said yes, we’d have to bring one in order to get into the party.

4. I mis-text a lot. Please tell me I’m not alone. I’ll send a text message and then realize I sent it to the completely wrong person. It isn’t entirely my fault. It’s how my phone stores text messages. But…yeah, not so smooth.

5. I had the chance of meeting Ms. Single Mama last night but circumstances prevented it. Circumstances being United Airlines. Which sucks.

1. The less tolerant you are of dishonesty, the more tolerant you must be of human frailty.

2. You better shop around.

3. Spend your money on things that can not be taken away from you - like an education, piano lessons, travel, etc.

4. You can’t hurry love, no, you just have to wait.

5. To receive forgiveness, you must be willing to grant it.

1.  I picked up Little Filthy today.  My mother said, “He’s a terrorist.”  I’m sure she meant that he’s a terror.

Pretty sure, anyway.

2.  There is a new nickname for the young woman I am currently seeing:  Besos.

3.  I’ve realized lately that I am not good at receiving comfort of any kind.  I am working on it.

4.  My sister calls her four month old son “Coo-Coo bean.”  This makes me grin.

5.  I was recently speaking with an attorney from Germany and told her that I was going to blame my future state of alcoholism on the German populace.  She said they would gladly take the credit.  I told her that my favorite German word was schadenfreude.  She admitted it was a good word.

It was pointed out that I do not typically divulge relationship/dating stories to any real degree. Well, here’s a break from that situation.

I will very quickly sum up the situation. Earlier in the week, I began to get relationship jitters because things with a certain young Latina woman seemed to be moving at too quick a clip. I told her how I felt, only hesitant because I suspected that she may not date me, knowing that I am not quite ready for anything like a girlfriend. I have been enjoying my autonomy to a ridiculous degree…running off to Europe and not calling a soul, etc. - and I just don’t quite feel prepared to offer the consideration and thought I’d like to put into a relationship.

Anyway, when I told said young woman, her reaction was ,”Okay! Date away and do what you need to do.” And this caught me off guard and was so appealing to me that now I can’t get her out of my head. I called my work wife and told her about the situation. She said, “You’re in trouble now.” I said, “WHAT? What’re you talking about?” She said, “Now…she’s going to make you work for it.”

And that appealed to me.

I told Churro about the situation and he started to laugh and said, “If dating was a chess game…she just said ‘checkmate‘.”

I know she was being completely sincere and rational and was not playing any game…but, honestly? She’s kind of brilliant. Churro said, “The moment you said it wasn’t exclusive and she was okay with it, you got territorial. We’re like…animals. We like to hunt.” It’s true. I like to chase. It’s sort of ridiculous, really.

Resist the urge to psychoanalyze me.  Please.