Random Esquire

1. I kind of get boxing. It’s sort of like two men just duking it out. With padded fists. And padding around their lower abdomen. Oh, and a bunch of rules on scoring. Whatever. And those cage matches – they get rid of a lot of the padding and rules. But how about getting rid of the ring and cage, too? I don’t just want to see a knock-down-drag-out, I want to see someone run and get chased. I mean, as long as we’re being sort of brutal about it, you know? I think I’d just like to see a boxer in a sprint instead of just dancing around. Okay, so maybe I don’t get boxing.

2. In law school, a bunch of my buddies threw a big party and got a Pay-per-view fight – Oscar De La Hoya. I think I’d pulled something close to an all nighter the night before. I drank too much and passed out. I ended up in my buddy’s bed upstairs and woke up to him walking in with a girl behind him. Cock block. Man, he never let me live that down. He did end up marrying the girl, though, so no harm done…at least, in the long run. That just made me think of another law school party where *cough* I drank too much, stumbled across the street to my place and tried to sober myself a bit with a cold shower. But I got tired of standing so I decided to turn it into a bath. Then I fell asleep in the tub and woke up to my girlfriend shaking me, thinking I would drown myself in the tub or had already done so. (She laughs about this now.) My first thought was, “Damn, this water is cold.”

3. I watched the HBO match last night between Yuriorkis Gamboa and Darling Jimenez. Yuriorkis is sort of a badass name and if I chose my boxers like I do my ponies, my money would be on him long before Darling. Seriously, man, Darling? Isn’t that the wife from Lady and the Tramp? I sort of remember that. (I bet Bev knows.) The dude who yells, “Let’s get ready to rumble” was introducing the fighters and he drew out their name dramatically. The result was that when he said, “Jimenez” it sounded like “He….Mayonnaise!” Damn, man, that’s seriously rough. Your name is Darling HeMayonnaise.

4 . Each time Gamboa would return to his corner, his trainer would pull out his mouth piece and then yell, “Stick out your tongue! Stick out your tongue!” in Spanish. Gamboa would stick it out and trainer would wipe it with a sponge. See, now that’s interesting to me. I hadn’t see that before, the tongue wiping. Maybe I should try that between weight machines at the gym. Gamboa had a Rocky-esque old scraggly dude for a cut man. After the fight someone hoisted Gamboa up on to his shoulders – like, Gamboa was sitting on his shoulders like a kid sits on his dad’s shoulders at Disneyworld. That’s a little jacked, right?  I get that it’s normal in the boxing world but when was the last time you saw two adult men do this?  Subculture, man. I dig it.

5. I’m signing off to catch a plane to Paris. Plush has control while I’m out. Don’t invite friends over, don’t leave the lights on and don’t touch the thermostat.

-R.