Note to Instigator: Fresh Express is not a weapon.
Instigator and I were able to enjoy the warm weather with a nice lunch outside. Later that afternoon, she came into my office and sat down in a chair opposite my desk. I looked up. She leaned over and whispered, “Guess what I just saw on her desk?” Clearly, she meant Fresh Express. I grinned. She said, “I walked over there and she has an exercise DVD on her desk!” I laughed. She said, “By the New York Ballet Company!” I laughed again.
She continued, “So, I figured, I’m going tell her that you like ballerinas, too!”
I yelled, “HEY! Oy! NO!” Instigator cackled, clearly pleased with herself.
See, this is the thing. What you don’t want – ever – is for Fresh Express to form a connection with you. Because she will take that small thing and turn it into something …uncomfortable. Like the time she was convinced that Boss and I loved fish. Or playing tennis. Or bike riding. Or when she found out that I like gadgets and she began to cut newspaper articles out for me from the newspapers at the Chicago Public Library’s Reference Section. She once gave me an article on Jet Bloat. I never figured that one out. Then, there was that one time she washed her socks in a coffee pot. She also dips her toothbrush into her a toothpaste filled contact lens case. Speaking of contacts, she wears just one corrective lens. And it is tinted. Then there were the plastic baggies on her feet. Anyway, you get my point. It’s all just bad news. And Instigator was poised to bring it all down upon me.
But there’s really nothing I can do. See, Instigator once interviewed with the CIA. She’s got some covert techniques. I’m pretty sure I might return to my office to find newspaper clippings fresh from the library about the Joffrey.
*sigh*
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
May 7th, 2008 at 12:18 am
Now that I think about it, I can almost understand the toothpaste-filled contact lens case. It’s a convenient way to carry around a little bit of toothpaste, without having to buy a little mini-tube. Not to mention environmentally friendly (not needing to go through lots of mini toothpaste tubes, and whatnot).
But the baggies on the feet… I don’t understand. However, every week when I buy my supply of pre-washed, bagged baby spinach, I think of your assistant.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:41 am
Oh Random, that’s just too funny! Oh man I’m speechless. As a fairly new reader I’ve missed all the “Fresh Express” stories told in the past. Going back has left me laughing out loud.
Izzy and Lulu think I’ve lost it. Poor little pugs are backing away from me.
I would PAY for a picture of ol’ Fresh Express about now. The visual would be so much stronger with a face to match up to the lunacy.
I thought my last boss in her sequined tube tops and striped knee socks was bad… wait… maybe they’re related?
May 7th, 2008 at 5:01 am
Cutting stuff out of library materials! I’m shocked! Such blasphemy! Hmmmphf! She sounds like my high school chemistry teacher, for some reason, which, I cannot fathom. LOL.
Plie plie… ronde de jambe…chasse
May 7th, 2008 at 6:35 am
Avitania – Okay, I’ll give you the contact lens / toothpaste situation. The baggies thing is odd. In fact!! Today it is raining in Chicago. I will try to get a cell phone picture of that goin’ down.
May 7th, 2008 at 6:37 am
Tiffany – She doesn’t wear a bra. I’m pretty sure I’d look like some sort of perv if I snapped a picture. You’ll just have to let your imagination run wild.
They could entirely be related. No telling!
May 7th, 2008 at 6:44 am
Brenda, I kid you not. What was your chemistry teacher like?
May 7th, 2008 at 7:09 am
Oh my. I have some weird coworkers but damn. Fresh Express reminds me of someone I went to Elementary school with. Her name was Jacinda. She always walked around with a paper bag at recess picking up trash instead of playing. The dried up snot in her nose looked a lot like cobwebs. And she also had huge saucer glasses.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Oh I loves me some Fresh Express entries. You just made my morning. Christmas in May, I tell ya! Does she know about your upcoming trip? I would expect lots of “travel” articles to appear on your desk
May 7th, 2008 at 7:48 am
Hehe – I love the Fresh. Stuff like this makes you wonder what she’s like when she’s not in the office. It has to get even stranger from there. I suspect that you’ve just seen the tip of the iceberg
May 7th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Hey I take offense – I don’t cackle. Giggle perhaps. Maybe snicker. Not cackle. I also don’t have warts on my face or wear a pointy black hat. My intentions were good – I know you are into the whole working out thing, I figured maybe you and FE could do a workout at lunch in the conference room. Cause I don’t put that past her. Now there’s a visual.
May 7th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Okay, now this is weird. Connie (the incredibly odd former boss) never wore a bra either. Boy did she need one too. Those poor girls were vising her bellybutton on many an occasion.
I seriously think they’re cousins at the very least. Ask FE if she’s ever owned sheer MC Hammer style pants. If the answer is yes then they may be twins seperated at birth.
May 7th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I think I heart Instigator too. But FE? Not so much.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
hmm… FE seems to be a LOT like my own mother! Ever since hubby and i got into law enforcement, any gift we receive from her is PIG-oriented. I won’t even describe the BBQ lighter that looked like a sex-toy but in fact was a long, pink pig with round head at the end where flames came out of the snout, that I ended up throwing away after my husband brought out at a party for show and tell, and oops, i guess i did just describe it.
I mean to say… she obsesses and imagines her life story as well as others’ and acts upon it. And she wears weird clothes and huge glasses too.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
MissMegs – Do you ever wonder what became of Jacinda? Seems like such an odd child. I wonder why she picked up trash all through recess.
Bev – I’ll have to write about her finding out about my trip. Christ, she was depressing! That’s a whole other entry.
LynchSeattle – Yeah, I totally wonder what her home looks like.
Instigator – The cackle was implied. heh. I’m not sure I could work out to a ballet DVD. In fact, I’m sure I couldn’t. Can’t I just lift some weights?
Tiffany – Fortunately (I guess), Fresh Express has no need of a bra. Christ, I hate even *knowing* that.
Lily – Yes, you’re on the right track. Instigator = good. FE = bad.
Geekgirl – Seriously?! That just made me laugh out loud – your MOM? That’s sort of hilarious that she buys you pig things since you’re in law enforcement.