it’s not exactly what you’re thinking…
Inspired by popular demand, Randomesq has granted me my very own login so that I can now share some randomness directly. So, to initiate the Plush contribution, I will share with you all the joy of traffic school.
(Feel free to cheer.)
For the record, I’m a speeder. I’m the person that whizzes by you at mach 5 on the freeway and makes you wonder what the hell is so important down the road. I love driving, but I have to do it a lot, so I’d rather be doing it quickly and arriving at my destination in less time than Gmaps tells me it will take. I know it’s unsafe (one of the Fatal Four), but I also know that I’d rather spend 8 hours cramped in the seat than 9.
I also accept that I will occasionally be caught, and while most of the time I get away with a warning (batting your eyelashes can’t win ‘em all), I wound up in traffic school for doing something like 95 in a 65mph zone. Legally I should have been imprisoned; luckily Mr Officer dropped my official time to 79mph so I could just take the class. Four hours of Defensive Driving later, here are a few tidbits to share with you safe drivers who will never know the joy of traffic school:
* We were greeted by this:
* They hand out permanent markers at the beginning of the session. Ostensibly it’s so you can write your name in big bold letters on cardboard name tents, but I’m convinced it’s so everyone gets a little high before the teacher has to put up with 30 adults in pseudo-detention.
* The girl sitting directly behind me was 22 years old and had received, to date, 23 tickets. I felt much better about my reckless driving knowing that she’s out on the road.
* This same girl, along with the nurse to my left, decided to form a ghetto peanut gallery. Four hours of derisive or contradictory comments (followed by “You said it, girl!”) after every single sentence out of the poor instructor, and I’m willing to bet he was sniffing those markers at break just to get through it.
Yes, I did tell a masturbation story during class. But I maintain that it was completely relevant! We were asked about distracted behavior that we had witnessed in other drivers, and after hearing the lame responses of my classmates (A woman applying lipstick? Please!) I raised my hand and offered the worst bout of distracted driving I’ve ever witnessed (NSFW):
Last year, while driving back to Chicago late at night after a business trip, I looked over at one of the few other cars sharing the freeway and saw a man driving with his seat laid back and his interior lights on. I then realized that said man was naked. I then realized that said naked man was furiously jerking himself off behind the wheel and looked like he was about to have a stroke. Seriously, I will never forget his giant bulging eyes. If that’s not distracted driving, well then, I don’t know what is.
Traffic school teacher decided that I was just making a mockery of him and refused to call on me for the rest of the evening.
One useful bit of info I picked up, though, is that you should always wear your seatbelt. Yes, I’ve heard it before and I generally click it to avoid a ticket, but do you know how Princess Diana really died? Car accident, drunk driver, etc. But according to Señor Safety, Di wasn’t wearing her seat belt, and when the car crashed to an abrupt stop, her body crashed to an equally abrupt stop microseconds later against the front seat. However, her internal organs kept on moving at the original rate, causing her heart to tear loose internally, which led to her rapid death from internal bleeding.
I’m still unclear as to how the seatbelt could have prevented this particular situation. I raised my hand to ask, but for some reason the teacher wouldn’t call on me.
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Well, you’re right. It wasn’t what I was thinking.
Dammit.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:09 am
Okay, I just laughed hard enough to wake up the pugs.
The bulging eyes did it for me… oh god… here we go again….
I believe you by the way. Once in high school I looked out the side of the school bus we were taking to a food ball game and there was some old guy with no pants on getting himself off while wearing a ladies pink mitten… Had to call the whole cheer squad over to take a look of course which just seemed to excite him even more.
The freakiness of the average person can be astonishing. It keeps life interesting at the very least.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:53 am
Seriously. I heart Plush.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:53 am
Plush rocks! I hope you can visit with RE on the Seattle trip!
More Plush, more Plush, more Plush!
May 1st, 2008 at 7:56 am
LOL. Ew. I would have slammed something on the guys window and totally ruined the moment for him. I’m sorry you are stuck with that traumatizing image. Your driving teacher is lame for getting mad about that story. He should be happy that someone was making the class interesting.
I have been to traffic school twice. I have a heavy foot as well and went through a phase where I got something like 4 tickets within a year. Oh yeah and the whole “you’re a hot blonde, he gave you a ticket!?” yeah, that apparently doesnt work as well with state troopers. I had my license suspended twice. Then I got arrested for driving on a suspended license. Thats why I kinda can’t stand cops. I got my car searched, patted down, my rights read, the whole nine. Bastard had no heart. It’s not like I was drunk or something. All my tickets were for speeding.
Luckily I knew an attorney who had the hots for me so I didn’t end up spending nearly as much as I should have on him. I’m pretty sure he was expecting something in return but thats really not my style.
One thing I learned from my whole debacle was not to judge people based on their driving record.
Oh yeah and they recently came out with an online driving thing here. You read all the material online, then just go and take a 20 minute test, pay the $75 and your done. Of course this all after I sat in class for 8 hours.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:23 am
Oh goodness. That reminds me of my strangest on-the-road moment. ToxicMike (my ex) and I were headed from NYC to his Mom’s place in CT. We were stuck in WICKED traffic and not moving a bit. I looked over to my right and there was a guy in one of those rent-your-own moving vans. He was staring straight ahead rather rigidly, and he was almost out of my periphery when I noticed motion at the lower edge of his window. I focused in, and I could see a head of dark hair going up and down and up and….well, you get the picture: he was having his knob polished. I ended up yelling “YOW!” which is what happens when you think “Ew” and “wow” at the same time. ToxicMike wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. I said, “Don’t even think about it.”
May 1st, 2008 at 8:34 am
Phenomenal entry!! I like the story and believe it 100%. I have seen a few people in my time do such things.
The Di stuff I had no idea about and it made me gasp out loud. Good thing I buckle up!
May 1st, 2008 at 9:50 am
aw. yay to fast ladies (on the road, in life, whatever)! can’t believe the teacher didn’t appreciate your life lessons.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Ghetto peanut gallery. LOL.