Instigator and Fresh Express. She turned out OK, right? Right?
Instigator was out of town last week. She cordially sent a picture from the beach-side pool in Cabo to me, in the office. She refrained, tastefully, from sending me a picture of the butler who came with their hotel room. She returned on Monday and sent me an e-mail recapping her conversation with Fresh Express, complete with her inner thoughts, captured here for your enjoyment.
Fresh Express: “You back? From your vacation?”
Instigator: (. o O Since I’m sitting in my office, safe bet.) “Yes. It was nice.”
Fresh Express: “Really? Was it?”
Instigator: “Yes, really nice.”
<awkward silence>
Instigator: “We were in Mexico.” (. o O Will you please go away now??)
Fresh Express: “Really? It was nice, huh?”
Instigator: “Yes.”
Fresh Express: “You walk around in your bathing suit?”
Instigator: “Yes.”
Fresh Express: “Really? You’re kidding. Wow.”
Instigator: (. o O WTF?)
<more awkward silence>
Fresh Express: Did your daughter enjoy it?
Instigator: “She didn’t go; she stayed home with babysitters.”
Fresh Express: “Oh, like your regular sitter?”
Instigator: (. o O No, a stranger off the street. What do you think, crazy lady?) “Yes. She had fun, too.”
Fresh Express: “Well, sure. She’s a latchkey kid. Just like me. It’s fine – I turned out OK. I mean, what, you know? They say it’s bad but look at me. I’m fine. You know?”
Instigator: (. o O OMG. Way to make me feel guilty and terrified all at once. However, technically, she is not a latchkey kid since she is six and has no key. In any event, I’m not going to accept that she will turn out “OK” like you, you lunatic.)
<awkward silence>
“Yes.”
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Just a random attorney writing about daily life with Little Filthy, my rotten dog.
April 9th, 2008 at 8:30 am
I love Fresh Express. I think you need to do more blog entries about her.
April 9th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Totally laughing at this. It is always interesting to hear advice given to me by people that are not parents. I look at them with my “awww, aren’t you just a cute little idiot” face. Perhaps similar to your blank face, but with some more sarcasm thrown in.
April 9th, 2008 at 8:46 am
This is how you know I have never REALLY had to work with people because as I read this I was thinking… damn, I would have just either made a snarky comment to show how OK I didn’t think she turned out… OR I would have decked her.
And don’t latchkey kids NOT have babysitters!?
I think I need to start blogging about my co-workers more, they’ll make FE look good! haha.
April 9th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Can I just say that the (. o O) thought bubble is genius? You are hysterical.
April 9th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Wtf is a latchkey kid. Is that a kid who has their own key to the house? If so it doesn’t even make sense. The Instigator has a lot more patience than I do.
I think we need to hear more about Fresh Express. All I know at this point is she carries toiletries in a bag, washes her armpits with wet paper towels, and that she once washed her dirty socks in a coffee pot. BLAH. Does she smell bad? How does her hair look, oily, or clean? I need a visual in my mind so I can decide just how annoying and weird she really is.
April 9th, 2008 at 10:27 am
That’s a riot. And I agree with MissMegs – The Instigator has a HECK of a lot more patience than I do.
And latchkey kids are on their own. No sitters.
April 9th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Seriously, I need to meet all of these people. This is some goooood readin’.
April 9th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Bev – You and Lynch need to come to on a weekday and I’ll bring you up into the office. Some things must be seen to be believed.
QTMama – When you get to Chicago, we’ll practice and perfect your Blank Face. It’s so useful.
SnarkyRunner – And yes, you’re right – latchkey kid = no sitter. Not sure what the hell Fresh Express meant.
Avitania – thanks.
(. o O Note to self: Hit on Avitania until she gives in)
MissMegs – Yes, a latchkey kid has a key to the house and lets themselves in after school. No sitter. Um, no, FE doesn’t smell bad – at least, not that I’ve noticed. She’s very petite…short and skinny with shoulder length, stringy blonde hair.
Amy – I have a feeling that Instigator would laugh at being called patient.
Lily – they’ll all be at our wedding. Sitting on your side.
April 9th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
The key to interacting with FE is blank face, since you do not want to tip her off as to your true feelings about her because the only thing worse than having FE think you are her friend is having FE as your enemy. She does have the ear of our senior manager and thus can let it slip if we take a 2 hour lunch or what have you. FE is crazy but surprisingly crafty. Plus, what if she goes postal one day? So my bland smile/blank face speak more to self interest than patience.
But RE you don’t find me patient? I’m a little offended. I put up with you don’t I??
April 9th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Instigator –
Yes, you do put up with me. But let’s face it – I’m a joy. A joy.
Plus, sometimes I pay for lunch. That probably helps.
April 9th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
heh! How creepy. Creepy I say. I have a few ppl in my life like this and I constantly make it a point to end the conversation as quickly as humanly possible. I read this and it totally reminded me of The Office – just one of those painfully awkward situations you desperately want to end
April 10th, 2008 at 12:08 am
way to capture the true essence of female dynamics in the workplace. awesome!