Random Esquire

Instigator sent me an instant message at work today that said, “Are you taking me to lunch?!” I patted my pockets for money and then went to get her.

We ate in a cafe, surrounded with business people sitting down to their lunch. I watched over Instigator’s shoulder as a guy put down a tray, sandwich, salad and soda ready for consumption. He glanced around and I could tell he was looking for where to get some silverware. He got up to get some and then paused and looked back at his stuff, sitting alone at the table, clearly debating if he should walk away from it. He opted to walk away.

At that exact moment, I wanted to dash over and steal his sandwich.

I know this is wrong. I had already eaten my lunch. But it’s the kind of absurd thing that might strike me as funny – to see him come back and stare in disbelief at his plate. And I, of course, would sit at the nearby table and eat his sandwich, watching him.

I relayed this thought to Instigator. Mid-story, I watched a woman walk by, behind Instigator. Instigator looked at me, as if to say, “What?” I said, “Sorry, that woman…she walked by…her blouse was too tight and the buttons were..like stretching….”

Instigator stared at me. I could tell she was wondering why she’d mentioned lunch.

She said, “That is not attractive. You don’t think that’s attractive, do you?”

I said, “Uh…um…it’s not fashionable. I know that.”

She sighed.

I’m a sin to tolerate.

Apparently, no one bothered to contact the good people at Smucker’s and let them know that their commercial is ridiculous because I continue to see it on television. It’s the ad I posted about here, discussing my obvious disillusionment with the ad:

***

In it, two boys are walking along and the younger boy sort of laments that no one seems to want to know what he’ll do when he grows up. The other says that it’s a no-brainer because of his name. The younger boy says, “Richard?” and the older one says, “No, Smucker!” This is meant to imply that because of his name, it is obvious to everyone that his professional life has been predetermined and he will surely be involved, in one way or another, in the selling of fruit based jams or jellies.

Really?

Because I’m pretty sure the kid said his name was Dick Smucker.

And I can tell you, selling wholesome fruit spreads is not the first thing that comes to mind when I hear that name.

I’m just saying.

***

Dear Smucker’s,

You can not sell me anything edible by using a kid named Dick Smucker.

Sincerely yours,

RandomEsq.