Random Esquire

Little Filthy and I had a quiet dinner at home tonight. We almost had an argument. I grabbed a sandwich and an apple and set them down on the coffee table so I could get the monster his grub.

Roughly three months ago, Little Filthy ceased his normal habit of eating his food at breakneck speed. In fact, he began to look at his food and then up at me, expressing his disappointment through his very hesitancy to empty the contents of his food bowl into his stomach – stat. This prompted me to try a few different foods, even mixing them to see if he simply preferred something different. Finally, I noted that if I put a bit of warm water on his food, he’d eat with the previous gusto to which I had become accustomed. I’ve been doing this for the past couple of months.

Tonight, just out of curiosity, I left his food dry. He walked over and looked in his bowl and then looked up at me. Back at his bowl. Back at me. And with his eyes, he emoted, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

I sighed, got up, picked up his bowl and brought it over to the sink. I pretended to put water in it. Then I put it back down for him.

Let me pause here for a moment. I don’t know why I pretended to put water in his food. It’s one of those dumb things you do because the idea strikes you and you go with it just to see. In fact, many things I’ve done in life later required an explanation that began with, “I just wanted to see what would happen if I…”

Bowl down, me back at my plate. Little Filthy staring in disbelief. Glaring in disbelief.

I got up, put some warm water over his food, put it down, and turned around just in time to see him with his front paws up on the coffee table, delicately pulling the cheese off of my sandwich. I yelled, “HEY!” but it was too late. Cheese gone. Sandwich tainted. He trotted over, ate his food and then came over and sat down at my feet. I guess he’d forgiven me.

Behold. The power of cheese.

I know I’ve said this before but the advice still stands and is worth repeating:

You should never refer to any woman’s body part as her Staples Easy Button.

-R.