Random Esquire

In the morning, I often see an ad during the Today Show for Smucker’s.  In it, two boys are walking along and the younger boy sort of laments that no one seems to want to know what he’ll do when he grows up.  The other says that it’s a no-brainer because of his name.  The younger boy says, “Richard?” and the older one says, “No, Smucker!”  This is meant to imply that because of his name, it is obvious to everyone that his professional life has been predetermined and he will surely be involved, in one way or another, in the selling of fruit based jams or jellies.

Really?

Because I’m pretty sure the kid said his name was Dick Smucker.

And I can tell you, selling wholesome fruit spreads is not the first thing that comes to mind when I hear that name.

I’m just saying.

Imagine a portly fellow of 18 or so, hosting his very own cooking show out of Palatine, Illinois. He cross contaminates, does impersonations, scolds himself and sometimes slurs his words…all while sincerely excited. You get Merrill Howard Kalin. Someone took the time to edit some of his shows to provide you with some highlights. Below, see a re-mix of his show that someone did to “I feel good.”

I like that enthusiasm when he cuts his tomato.  I’m pretty sure the noises he makes while putting ranch dressing on his salad are rated NC-17.

1. Check out the iStraw – it filters your water. Great for travel. May need to get one for Boss before Vietnam/Thailand.

2. I’ve noticed that on some blogs, there is a button that says something like, “Like my blog? Buy me a Starbucks!” and the reader can click and donate via paypal. Interesting. If I had one like that, it would say, “Like my blog? You must not be autistic.” I know that is rather offensive but I find that I often refer to autism in less than flattering terms. It’s a problem, I know.

3. Have you ever heard someone say this? That something “needs washed” or “cleaned” or something like that? Instead of “needs to be washed” or “needs to be cleaned”? Is this a midwest thing?

4. Do you love steak like Little Filthy and I do? Try this method – coat your steak heavily with kosher salt…very heavily. Like mascara on a whore heavily. Here, even better, look at this website that describes how to do this and why it makes your steak taste like heaven.

5. Bacon Brittle. Wow.