Random Esquire

I picked up some fresh parsley and cilantro yesterday and made a chimichurri sauce. Were I to have but one condiment for life, this would be it. I tweaked this recipe (per advice in the comments) by adding equal parts cilantro and parsley and one more clove of garlic. In addition, I passed on the vinegar and used fresh lemon juice. Today, I mixed a spoonful with a cold freshly steamed corn and tomato salad. (And yes, I took this picture!)

Boss has a classroom full of new kindergarten kids.

One of them has a grill. A grill.

In his teeth. On his teeth? In his teeth. You know what I mean.

The mind boggles.

I took a cab home yesterday.  I tend to chat with the cab drivers and I learned that my cab driver was from Mexico, that he owned his own cab, had been a cab driver for 20 years in Chicago and his only “day off” was Wednesday.  He still worked, he just quit earlier than normal and went to have beers as his brother’s bar.

Then he mentioned that he and his brother had just opened a bar in Mexico on the Pacific side and they had a “red license.”  He said, “You know, in Mexico, prostitution is free.”  I blinked.  I paused and said, “Ohhh, wow, I didn’t know it was legal there.”  He nodded and said, “So I have four girls and four rooms at the top of the bar.  If someone wants to spend any time with one of my girls, I get twenty dollars off the top for an hour.  If only fifteen minutes, ten dollars. “  He turned around and gave me a quick ‘knowing look’ when he mentioned the fifteen dollars.

I was bitter that we had arrived at my destination because I wanted to hear more about how this whole thing worked.  I’ve never met a pimp before.

In the morning, I often see an ad during the Today Show for Smucker’s.  In it, two boys are walking along and the younger boy sort of laments that no one seems to want to know what he’ll do when he grows up.  The other says that it’s a no-brainer because of his name.  The younger boy says, “Richard?” and the older one says, “No, Smucker!”  This is meant to imply that because of his name, it is obvious to everyone that his professional life has been predetermined and he will surely be involved, in one way or another, in the selling of fruit based jams or jellies.

Really?

Because I’m pretty sure the kid said his name was Dick Smucker.

And I can tell you, selling wholesome fruit spreads is not the first thing that comes to mind when I hear that name.

I’m just saying.

Imagine a portly fellow of 18 or so, hosting his very own cooking show out of Palatine, Illinois. He cross contaminates, does impersonations, scolds himself and sometimes slurs his words…all while sincerely excited. You get Merrill Howard Kalin. Someone took the time to edit some of his shows to provide you with some highlights. Below, see a re-mix of his show that someone did to “I feel good.”

I like that enthusiasm when he cuts his tomato.  I’m pretty sure the noises he makes while putting ranch dressing on his salad are rated NC-17.

Boss and I went to CostCo in search of a large vat of hand sanitizer for her classroom. Unable to find it and having heard that it may be behind the pharmacy counter, we went to ask. We were shown a 12 oz container of Purel. I felt like asking, “This is CostCo, right? Bring on the bulk.” The employee began a discussion on how hand washing was just as effective. I didn’t really know how to stop him and tell him that he was wasting his breath because Boss was not going to trust the stunting of bacterial growth in her room to the hand-washing skills of a bunch of kindergarteners. Boss casually mentioned teaching in between his ramblings. I decided to step in.

I smiled and said, “We like to dip the children in it.”

He laughed and turned toward me and opened his mouth. I said, “And then we set them on fire.”

He said, “Well, that would work…”

You’d think he would have piped down at this point but no, we ended up just backing away from the counter, nodding and smiling until we both turned to each other and said, “too friendly.” We don’t like people enough to engage in random CostCoConversation. Just enough to try a CostCo sample. That’s our limit.

1. Check out the iStraw - it filters your water. Great for travel. May need to get one for Boss before Vietnam/Thailand.

2. I’ve noticed that on some blogs, there is a button that says something like, “Like my blog? Buy me a Starbucks!” and the reader can click and donate via paypal. Interesting. If I had one like that, it would say, “Like my blog? You must not be autistic.” I know that is rather offensive but I find that I often refer to autism in less than flattering terms. It’s a problem, I know.

3. Have you ever heard someone say this? That something “needs washed” or “cleaned” or something like that? Instead of “needs to be washed” or “needs to be cleaned”? Is this a midwest thing?

4. Do you love steak like Little Filthy and I do? Try this method - coat your steak heavily with kosher salt…very heavily. Like mascara on a whore heavily. Here, even better, look at this website that describes how to do this and why it makes your steak taste like heaven.

5. Bacon Brittle. Wow.