Random Esquire

I’ve had a pounding headache all day that I can’t seem to shake, no matter how many Advil I take. Must be a hangover from the party Little Filthy threw last night. Here’s a picture of him laughing at one of my jokes. We better clean up before Boss gets home.

Edited to add: Little Filthy Dinner:

Ever since finding this forum post which I wrote about here, I’ve been a bit fascinated by this website monsterfishkeepers.com. I wonder if that’s just some made up name or if “Monster Fish” is some sort of term-of-art. Would my local fish tank guy think I was nuts if I said, “Yeah, I’m here for some monster fish”?

“My puranha are pussies!!! helps!!!” I suppose if you buy a piranha, you might like to see it tear open some flesh. This guy is clearly disappointed that his fish are the lesser known sub-species, pussy puranha.

This stingray is out of the movie Alien. This catfish must be hundreds of pounds. You’d have to noodle with your head to get that thing.

Since you can clearly read, it is quite possible you may not have heard of “Noodling.” Noodling is when some guy goes into the water and sticks his hand in all manner of dark places where he thinks a catfish might be lurking. The catfish basically bites or swallows the dude’s hand and he yanks out the fish. I am assuming it is a guy for the same reason that women do not find it a worthwhile activity to roll down the window, hollar and peel out.

Here are two great Noodling videos:

Noodling video: complete with guys screaming in pain.

Noodling Porn. I stand corrected on the female noodlers. This is like…backwoods porn. It includes female noodlers, *cartoon* noodling, and an original song out how the law doesn’t understand catfish-grabbin’. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

What I like about finding this forum is that it is a completely different world to me. Someone posts a picture of some ridiculously huge fish and the first thing someone responds is, “Yo, how much?” I love it.

Boss is out of town this weekend, leaving Little Filthy and me to do nothing but eat steak and watch dude movies. I have here: Apocalypto, 300 and 23. I see that movies have been so overdone that we’re now just numbering them. A quick search on imdb.com shows that there’s been a movie with the title of each number from 1 through 9, except 6.  Which just goes to prove that the number 6 truly sucks.

Anyway, Little Filthy and I just watched 300. We were not impressed. This thing is just barely a dude movie. First, it was mostly half naked guys and only two women. That might have disqualified it entirely were it not for the fact that both women showed their nipples. This does more than just shoehorn a movie into viewable, it whisks it in entirely.

Lest you think I’m a complete pig, Boss and I just watched Terms of Endearment this week. We spent much of the time saying, “Wow, look at how young so-and-so looks.” I am pleased to report that Shirley MacLaine did not show her nipples.

More pho, please.

MamaPhunk is trying to convince me that I’m just a few chromosomes shy of having my own craft blog. She explained that the craft itch begins with the desire to construct/deconstruct something. This reminded me of the Saga of the Bees that took place at my parents home. The saga begins with a bee infestation in the eaves of their house, has my mother leaving my father at Home Depot after an argument about how to get rid of said bees and ends with the Bee Trap my father I constructed which almost made my mother’s face split.

The bees were coming in/out of a particular place near the roof so my father rigged a dryer vent hose from that place into a cardboard box which had a fan in it. Attached to the box was a trashbag. All of this was perched on a step ladder and held together with duct tape. We turned on the fan, it sucked the live bees in through the dryer vent hose, they hit the fan blades and flew into the trash bag. Let’s see if this helps:

See? I can do crafts. Nothin’ to it.

I want a huge house and a huge fish tank. Does this make me a dork?

Mental Floss had a great entry on some fish tanks. Check out the pictures on this site – called the Fish Highway. It’s like hamster tubes all over your home…made for fish. This guy’s tank is straight out of Shedd.

Okay, I found this website forum in which a fish keeper posted pictures about his 50,000 gallon tank! These people keep BIG FISH. I’ve never so much as considered keeping a fish that, if it bumped me in the wild, might make me jump out of my skin a little.

I know this shouldn’t crack me up but there is a question posted about a fish having an eating disorder because it gets intimidated by the other fish at dinner time. Some icing on the cake in the form of a very sincere response which suggests lettuce, bits of orange, or some shelled peas …coupled with an icon of a fake fish preparing to swallow a bottle of Jack Daniels. Awesome.

Holy Crap. This post has the subject “One of my piranhas died. WHY?” and it comes with the warning: “*graphic*” The thing is, as soon as you see the picture, it will be obvious how it died. I’ll be damned, it’s like Fish CSI over there. Be sure to scroll down for the decapitated head. I love that one of the responses suggests it was a hate crime. People crack me up.

 This guy sent roses to his girlfriend via 1-800Flowers.com.  The company then sent a thank-you card to his home…where his wife found it. She called the company and asked for the receipt. Busted.

I saw him on the Today show where he and his dimwit attorney attempted to defend their lawsuit. Leroy stated that it wasn’t really cheating because he and his wife were already in the midst of a divorce proceeding.  Nevermind that the card read “Just wanted to say that I love you and you mean the world to me! Leroy.” This somewhat implies a less than “freshly developed” relationship.

This man is a Blamer. Some people must always find someone upon whom they can heap their collective misery to absolve themselves of responsibility for their own wrongdoing. We probably all know someone who is like this, if only to a far lesser degree. That person who, upon hearing that anything has gone wrong, immediately utters something like, “Well, I did what I was supposed to do…” thereby not directly implicating someone else but attempting to clear his or her own name immediately. Message to Blamers: You are not subtle.

Clearly, I do not know the full story of one Mr. Leroy Greer but I will gladly take the opportunity to relish in his misfortune. Schadenfreude at its best.

The New York Times has added a new blog: Freakonomics. Dubner and Levitt write some very interesting pieces, not the least of which was Levitt’s entry entitled “If You Were a Terrorist, How Would You Attack?” Levitt was the same guy who postulated that legalizing abortion decreased the crime rate.

Pictures of odd sea dwelling creatures. Hmm. I think my second grade teacher looked a little like this lumpfish.

This artist, Phil Hansen, is pretty interesting. The video is worth the watch. Fascinating to see all the layers of paint he peeled off his stomach.

Some interesting ice cream flavors. Can anyone debunk some of these? Is anyone actually eating Fried Pork Rind Ice Cream? (number 74) Err, okay, just checked it out…apparently they are.

Refer businesses to Google and make $$.

The Sneeze is asking which breakfast cereal mascot you’d take on a road trip.

Nerd fight at Comic Con.

People eat lampreys?? If one of those sucked its mouth to me, I’d lose it.

I am a little ashamed to say that I have never read The Woman in White but this article has me convinced I should.

My apologies for the delay, here is the answer to your Tainted Fruit question:

Police suspect King Kong of stealing the radio antenna from the top of a skyscraper. They conduct an illegal search of Kong’s house, where they find a newspaper clipping about the theft of a shipment of bananas from the Havana Banana Company. They go away and investigate that crime and find evidence sufficient to arrest Kong, even though they’d had no reason to suspect him before the illegal search. At his trial, Kong claims the evidence used against him is “tainted fruit” of the illegal search and should be excluded. Is he correct?

Answer:   No.  When police discover evidence of an entirely unrelated crime as the independent result of their unlawful conduct, the new evidence will not be considered tainted as long as the police’s unlawful investigative intent did not “extend to the additional evidence.”  Here, the police has no idea of Kong’s involvement in the banana heist, and their unlawful intent in conducting the search did not extend to that crime.  Even though they may not have been led to Kong except for the unlawful search, the taint on the newspaper clipping will be considered purged, and it (and evidence derived from it) will be admissible.

This post features the Andy Rooney stamp of cynicism, gracing all things wonderfully crabby.

There are two things I do not understand at all:

and .

Criss Angel and Robin Thicke. I just do not get it. I know they have talent so I won’t dispute that.

Criss Angel reminds of the kid who rode his skateboard to school. The major difference being that he seems to be surrounded by attractive women. Not only is he perpetually dirty, he’s a magician (formerly a kiss of death to any young man’s sex life) and he has a speech impediment. At what point do these gorgeous women look over and realize that they are with a makeup-free Marilyn Manson-esque David Copperfield who looks about 3 days shy of sleep?

Robin Thicke, I admit, is more of a puzzle to me. Did you know that he thinks he’s

? That’s right. He thinks he’s a black man. Except he sings in falsetto. Which makes him more like .

I heard him sing and he broke out the Michael and I think my jaw dropped because women were popping their trunk for him. So, if you’re a woman and you like either of these two, please, explain the appeal because I’m stumped.