Random Esquire

There are two things you will do a great of if you happen to go to the Oprah show: wait and clap.

Until I have time, or unless there is some sort of demand for it, I will not do a fully detailed update but will leave it at a brief synopsis of the day.

Upon getting to the studio at 6:15, we checked in all electronic devices and were boarded on to buses and taken to a theater where we screened Across the Universe, directed by the same woman who directed Frida. The movie incorporate 30+ Beatles songs into a narrative. No trailers when you’re screening a movie, by the way. I’m surprised to note that many people will not forgo the movie experience of popcorn and nachos despite sitting down a movie at 8:15 in the morning. It was a decent movie. We were told right before the movie that the morning show’s guests were Justin Timberlake, Reba McIntire, and Kelly Clarkson. (Collective moans of disappointment were heard as we were the afternoon show.)

Following the movie, box lunches were provided to us as we filtered out and we re-boarded the buses. Back to the studio where we sat for a while before exiting the buses and standing in line for additional security which took a while because all purses were searched (and any paper or pens were confiscated, along with any residual electronics) and there were a lot of purses to be searched.

Then into a waiting room where we waited a good two hours. Finally, we were loaded into the studio and seated and an employee came and told us that the bigger the reaction and expression, the more likely it will be on television. Then we all practice “Ooos” and “Ahhs”. (No kidding) Then someone said, “She’s coming,” and all 315 audience members fell so silent and still, it was as if we were listening for the footsteps of death.

And then someone says, “Oprah Winfrey!” in a yell that reminded me of He-Man screaming “Castle Greyskull!” and out she walked. It was near hysteria. Vera Wang was the first guest and there was a runway show. Oprah told everyone that they’d be getting a gift bag with items from the SimplyVera collection (available at Kohl’s - Oprah makes sure you know this) which included a gold bracelet, purse, and bed linens. Then the director of the movie spoke and the actors/actresses came and sang songs from the movie.

It was a much more…intimate experience than I expected. Oprah grabbed my hand and shook it and Vera Wang and my mother actually chatted (this was not during the show). It was bizarre but in a pretty nice way. Thus ends my Oprah experience.

Airs Friday, September 14th.

I touched Oprah.

Booyah.

1. I love meatloaf.

God help me, I know it’s an actual loaf of meat held together with a 15 cent egg and crumbs from the bottom of your toaster, but I truly love meatloaf. The golden age of meatloaf has taken a sharp decline in the Random household since the advent of Boss. This caused some meatloaf nostalgia today when I realized that Little Filthy has not known the beauty of the loaf d’meat.

2. I have marching orders from an old co-worker - the one I rather ineptly compared to a horse when, as she bemoaned being single for life, I said to her, “You’re not going to be single for life. You’re tall, leggy, blonde, you just lost 20 pounds and you look fantastic, you have huge boobs, and you love NASCAR and beer. For God’s sake, if you were a horse, I’d bet on you.”

She is a big Justin Timberlake fan. I am to tell Justin that she would like to have his children. I am not entirely sure how I am supposed to relay this to him. In addition, I know that deep in her heart, she would prefer to be with Dale Earnheardt Jr., raising little NASCAR JonBenets.

3. My CPA was called by David Letterman’s show and asked to be on. Speaking of my accountant…he, too, loves meatloaf. Anyway, he is not famous. In fact, he was asked to go specifically so that David could make fun of him. It is more like he is in the running to be the new Larry Bud Melman. More updates as events warrant.

Oprah’s peeps called me today. We are going to be screening a movie. At 6:30 a.m.

6:30 a.m.! That’s cockadoodle dark still. I think.

The guy (!) who called me said that “there will be popcorn.” I said, “Pancakes?” He said firmly, “Popcorn.”

I did ask what movie we’d be screening and he answered mysteriously, “I can’t tell you.” Turns out that a woman in my office is going to a taping as well, but on a different day. She said that Justin Timberlake is supposed to be doing an Oprah taping on the day I will be going. Apparently, though, Oprah tapes two shows a day so who knows if we will see him.

I told my mother all of this. She said, “Who is Justin Timberlake?”

We are going to be awesome Oprah audience members.

You may have heard by now that the company Trekstor makes mp3 players with the brand name iBeat.  There’s the iBeat Motion, the iBeat Pink, and then there’s one called Blaxx.

Yes, it’s the iBeat Blaxx.

Gizmodo wrote a rather to the point letter to Trekstor which prompted Trekstor to re-think the device’s name.

Stay tuned for their new products:  the iBeat Homos and the iBeat Off.

I told Boss I was excited to go to the Oprah show because it will be the closest I come to meeting Jesus. Boss doesn’t find me as funny as I’d like, sometimes.

Admittedly, I am a bit curious about what happens once we get into the studio. The polite woman who called me said that no cell phones or cameras were allowed and that there would be a “search” prior to entering the studios. I also have no idea what the show topic will be and I am hoping that I don’t have to spend an hour seated next to my mother while Oprah and her guests discuss sex. While I’m tempted to smuggle in a camera of some sort, I am pretty sure that, like Jesus, Oprah has x-ray vision and will promptly evacuate me from the premises.

Boss has asked that I relay to Oprah her sincere desire to meet Madonna and impress upon Oprah how this is her life’s dream and this would then be the happiest day of Boss’s life.

What am I, chopped liver over here?

Instigator and I were discussing Michael Vick and dogfighting today. We agree that he should get the book thrown at him. I mentioned that I thought bullfighting was unusually cruel, as well. Sticking a bunch of barbs in an animal? Seems pretty rough to me.

And that brought up cockfighting. For some reason, neither of us had that gut reaction of disgust at cockfighting. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s bad. But for some reason, if it has feathers instead of fur, I just don’t get as worked up.

Well, maybe if they were baby ducks. Baby ducks are cute. That would be disturbing. I don’t think I could stomach a bloody baby duck. Okay, so feathers aren’t the key. Maybe it’s size? The bigger the animal, the more tragic it seems.

And then it hit me: Siamese Fighting Fish.

It’s perfect. They’re small and they have neither fur nor feathers. Put two of them together and they duke it out to the death. Easy to maintain - it’s brilliant! I’m going to start collecting some beauties and taking bets. I’ll put a large tank in the middle of my living room and have some seats built around it. I’ll hang a sign on the side of the bowl that says, “Two Fish Enter, One Fish Leaves.” And clean-up is a snap. Er, a flush.

Get in on the action.

You may recall that I went to see Diana Ross with my father. Mind you, this was not so much my choice as it was a result of my mother deciding she found my father unbearable a few hours before the concert. The tickets were a gift from me to them for their anniversary. Life loves irony, right?

Well, I think I can top that. Boss sent an e-mail to Oprah’s show, requesting tickets and, for some reason, she put my name down like I had sent the e-mail - complete with my mobile number. I vaguely recall her mentioning it and I really recalled it when I got a call today from Oprah’s show saying that I had two tickets.

I called Boss and guess what? She can’t go. Not only might she have jury duty, she has training for her new job. She asked her mother if she could make it in town to go and she (a teacher as well) could not make it, either.

You know what that means?

It means I am taking my mother to Oprah’s show.

Lifehacker asked readers to take a picture of what they take with them to work each day. It’s making me re-evaluate how much I tote back and forth daily. (Part I and Part II) I’ve noticed that almost everyone carries some particular things - aside from laptop, Treo, Blackberry, and iPod: chapstick, mints/gum.

Things I’m surprised I did not see more often: Purel, cigarettes and lighters.

Here’s a rough list of what I bring to work with me each day:

Laptop, Levenger Leather Circa Notebook in black (which has proven to be worth the investment for me), iPod with audio books from Audible, pack of travel kleenex, Leatherman Micra, Nalgene water bottle, small bottle of Purel as well as some pre-packaged anti-bacterial wipes (I use the Purel as I exit the train), wallet, keys, business cards, and a Timbuk2 ID wallet where I keep my train pass and some extra cash so I don’t have to dig around for it, small bottle with Advil and Claritin in it, portable wireless mouse, and finally, a piece of fruit a lot of times. That’s the bulk of it.

And today, I considered this thing - the LiteRide - …I’m just not sure I can picture myself on it.

Last week, Boss said to me, “You can’t write about me any more.”

I said, “Why not?”

She said, “Because! Go find a girlfriend and write about her.”

So I considered it. But I can’t do it. It’s just too much to re-learn. I can’t keep track of how two women like their coffee. Or whose turn it is to change the roll of toilet paper. Or mow the lawn. Besides, it’s only a queen size bed. Where would she sleep? Plus, we don’t have a lawn and I don’t want to get one and I’m pretty sure that if I had two women in my life, one of them would be wanting a house. A house with a lawn.