Random Esquire

1. It’s interesting to me the number of people who walk around with their mouth open. As I walk to work, I marvel at how someone’s natural face position includes an open mouth. I’m not talking about what we call gapers, just people who are…slack jawed.

There’s this one guy I see at the train station some days and if teeth could tan, his front teeth would need SPF 30. He doesn’t just stop at having an open mouth, though; his natural look is an actual expression.

His upper lip curls up toward his nostrils in a look similar to someone squinting in the dark, trying to see some movement off in the distance, except that his eyes aren’t creased and his brows aren’t furrowed close together on his forehead like they’re having a conference. His eyes and brows are at ease. It’s just the lip thing. And for some reason, I have the urge to pull it down over his teeth, like pulling down a window shade.

The fact that I notice these things is distracting enough but I have a natural tendency to attempt the same facial expression out of simple curiousity about how it feels on my face. I am pretty sure it would look like I was mocking someone but I’m really not. I’m just trying on their face to see how it fits.

2. Last week, Churro and I had a completely useless conversation. I mean completely useless. Observe:

Me: Did you see that clip of those lions taking down that elephant?

Churro: Hey, I wonder what animal would survive if it was a bear against a lion. Maybe a bear because it could climb up a tree.

Me: I think lions can climb up trees. What kind of bear are we talking about? Like, a kodiak? Brown bear?

Churro: What the hell do you think? No, like a fucking koala bear.

This cracked us up.

Me: Maybe the lion because it could jump on the bear’s back.

Churro: But that bear probably has a really thick hide. They both have really wicked claws.

We seriously considered this battle. The cool thing about Churro is that I could go into his office and present him with a stupid scenario like this and he’d immediately stop and think about it, giving it real thought. That either makes him a cool buddy or makes us both idiots.

3. Speaking of friends, I spoke with a former co-worker of mine today, upset about being single for the rest of her life because the same guy has jerked her around a few different times. I told her maybe she should try a different slot machine. In an attempt to be comforting, I said, “You’re not going to be single for life. You’re a tall, leggy, blonde, you just lost 20 pounds and you look fantastic, you have huge boobs, and you love NASCAR and beer! For God’s sake, if you were a horse, I’d bet on you!”  Next time, I probably won’t compare her to a horse.