Random Esquire

Boss and I got home on Friday night and spent our Saturday cleaning up and loving on Little Filthy who was so sleepy from play-care and boarding that he could barely keep his eyes open.

So! My parents have been married 36 years now. For their anniversary, I bought them a pair of tickets to see Diana Ross on Saturday night. They were very excited. That is, they were until sometime in the afternoon when my mother decided she was angry at my father and not going to the concert. My father called me and suggested I sell the tickets or that Boss and I go. I looked over at Boss on the couch, who was snuggled in, watching a movie with Little Filthy. Seeing Diana Ross did not appear to be high on her list as she’d been doing vacation-laundry all day long and was exhausted. I sighed and said, “There’s no reason for you not to go, Dad…I’ll go with you.”

So my father drove downtown and he and I went to see Diana Ross. The “I love you” tour. Complete with all love songs. Like…’Touch Me In the Morning’. Or ‘Baby Love’. Yes. With my father. My father and me. At the Diana Ross concert.

We were sitting next to four sisters who were obviously very excited to be seeing Diana Ross and so, at one point, when they all jumped up to dance, the one next to me reached down, grabbed my arm and pulled me up. So I danced. And my father stood up and he danced. He had a smile so big that my cheeks hurt just looking at it.

Just another Saturday night for the Random household.

Boss and I went snorkelling (did I spell that correctly?) today. I had never been before and I was very excited. We saw some great fish in blues and yellows. I loved every second of it except for the taste of salt water as I detest salt.

So, we got back to our “casita” and Boss started the shower to get in. I decided to, er, undress into my birthday suit in the middle of the sitting room. I let my swim suit drop to my ankles just as Boss walked out of the bathroom. She took one look at me and said, “Oh my God! Get in the shower right now!”

I know - I thought good things were coming my way, too. Not the case.

She said, “You’re *filthy*.” I looked down at myself. I won’t lie. It was not an impressive sight. I had sand in bad places. I was taking my time in the shower so Boss said, “hurry up!” and I responded, “I keep finding more sand.”

More as events warrant.

We arrived in Puerto Rico yesterday and drove out to Rincon this morning, which someone told us is sometimes referred to as “Grincon” because of the number of white tourists here. Boss spotted a lizard out by the pool at our place. Boss does not like lizards. At all. So when we got into the room and were talking and she noticed me focus on something over her shoulder…which then turned out to be a lizard on the wall,…well, she all but ran out of the place screaming. Said lizard was chased out of the place.

I suppose, in all fairness, I should mention that when we spotted a spider, she was the one to kill it because I was frozen in place so that its beady eyes (all five hundred of them) did not spot me and jump on my head, putting me into cardiac arrest.

1. It’s interesting to me the number of people who walk around with their mouth open. As I walk to work, I marvel at how someone’s natural face position includes an open mouth. I’m not talking about what we call gapers, just people who are…slack jawed.

There’s this one guy I see at the train station some days and if teeth could tan, his front teeth would need SPF 30. He doesn’t just stop at having an open mouth, though; his natural look is an actual expression.

His upper lip curls up toward his nostrils in a look similar to someone squinting in the dark, trying to see some movement off in the distance, except that his eyes aren’t creased and his brows aren’t furrowed close together on his forehead like they’re having a conference. His eyes and brows are at ease. It’s just the lip thing. And for some reason, I have the urge to pull it down over his teeth, like pulling down a window shade.

The fact that I notice these things is distracting enough but I have a natural tendency to attempt the same facial expression out of simple curiousity about how it feels on my face. I am pretty sure it would look like I was mocking someone but I’m really not. I’m just trying on their face to see how it fits.

2. Last week, Churro and I had a completely useless conversation. I mean completely useless. Observe:

Me: Did you see that clip of those lions taking down that elephant?

Churro: Hey, I wonder what animal would survive if it was a bear against a lion. Maybe a bear because it could climb up a tree.

Me: I think lions can climb up trees. What kind of bear are we talking about? Like, a kodiak? Brown bear?

Churro: What the hell do you think? No, like a fucking koala bear.

This cracked us up.

Me: Maybe the lion because it could jump on the bear’s back.

Churro: But that bear probably has a really thick hide. They both have really wicked claws.

We seriously considered this battle. The cool thing about Churro is that I could go into his office and present him with a stupid scenario like this and he’d immediately stop and think about it, giving it real thought. That either makes him a cool buddy or makes us both idiots.

3. Speaking of friends, I spoke with a former co-worker of mine today, upset about being single for the rest of her life because the same guy has jerked her around a few different times. I told her maybe she should try a different slot machine. In an attempt to be comforting, I said, “You’re not going to be single for life. You’re a tall, leggy, blonde, you just lost 20 pounds and you look fantastic, you have huge boobs, and you love NASCAR and beer! For God’s sake, if you were a horse, I’d bet on you!”  Next time, I probably won’t compare her to a horse.

I got my hair cut today.

*s m i l e*

A cute blonde girl came out to wash my hair. She was petite. But not everywhere. So, I leaned back and she went to work. She did a really good job and gave me a great scalp massage and eventually, I closed my eyes and started to relax. But then…she bumped me. With them. On my face.

I don’t think my eyes shot open but they might have.

God, I hope I didn’t grin.

I tipped her. Pretty well. But not like I paid her to do it. Because I didn’t.

I love Boss.