Random Esquire

1. I spoke with my buddy, Roger, today. He’s also my accountant and I was calling him about my taxes and investments. Roger is in his late fifties and one mean, funny, son of a bitch. One Christmas, his (now ex) wife (who had recently gained weight) asked him what he wanted for a gift. He said, “I want you to be able to tuck your shirt in your pants.”

2. I made dinner last night. Filets, potatoes, steamed broccolini, asparagus, and carrots. We’d been eating out so much, I thought a home cooked meal was in order. Boss and I each got a plate. She ate a little bit and then brought her plate into the kitchen…and returned with tortilla chips and guacamole. I laughed and said, “I made dinner and you’re eating chips and guacamole!” About ten minutes later, I looked up and saw her at the kitchen counter and she had this look on her face. I said, “You’re looking around trying to decide what to eat, aren’t you?” She nodded.3. We returned from Las Vegas on Wednesday and I am ashamed to say that we are addicted to the Wheel-of-Fortune slot machine. To a ridiculous degree. On the flight there, for some reason, Boss and I were not seated together. This caused her great dismay due to her stranger danger. Naturally, she spent four hours on the plane next to a large man who refused to lower the arm rest, oozed into her seat, made mouth noises and listened to his iPod at a high volume. I, on the other hand, sat next to a lovely 50-something couple who, at the end of our flight, invited me to stay at their place should I ever make it to their hometown.

4. I feel as if I have been waiting for this Friday for a year. Well, I have. It’s BONUS day. BONUS day is once a year. And I have already heard what I am getting and am just now waiting to get my hands on it. It’s fair to say I am obsessing. After Friday, I will obsess about next year’s bonus. And after that, I will truly be mad as I wait for my next bonus…as it will be roughly 3 times as much. I love stock options. They make me tremble. I do not want to sound boastful…I am just generally excited because I was a pauper for years after graduating from law school while I worked for the public (something I promised myself I would do). Then I met Boss. And then I sold out and became a corporate junkie.

Boss is not cheap. Have I mentioned?

5. Roughly six weeks until we head to Puerto Rico. I want to dive and see sharks. Boss wants to scream from the boat. Or shore. Little Filthy will be returning to his doggy spa where he stayed while we were in Las Vegas. There, his private room is marble. I am not making this stuff up; it is a bit ridiculous. He plays all day long with other doggies of the same size and then retires to his room for dinner and sleep. Little Filthy slept near non-stop for two days upon returning. It’s like he went to NOLA for Mardis Gras and is still hung over.

6. While in Las Vegas, I checked my voicemail at work and heard a message that I had a package. This happened to be on Valentine’s Day. I called our receptionist and asked if she could tell who the package was from and she said, “It looks like a cookie company…something for Valentine’s day.” I hung up and looked at Boss (who had heard me inquire about the package). I told her what the receiptionist had said and she eyed me and said, “Who’s your girlfriend?” Turns out that they were from a member of my sales team as I had just finished negotiating their deal a few days earlier. Boss wasn’t too upset; she ate the heart shaped cookie.