Random Esquire

1. On my way home today, it was snowing big, fat, paperweight snowflakes. I took a deep breath and inhaled one and it seemingly landed on my brain, from the feel of it. Worse than an ice cream headache.

2. Saturday night, we went to a dinner party at Instigator’s home. Her husband’s obsession with technology rivals my own. By the end of the night, Instigator had a kool-aid moustache…from drinking red wine. All notions of sipping the wine were gone. What’s funny is that, at some point in the evening, Boss and I both thought she’d somehow sprouted cold sores on either side of her mouth. It wasn’t until she plopped down on the couch next to me that I realized it was, in fact, a wine moustache.  Instigator is awesome.

3. For some reason, it escaped me that you could max out on your social security contributions for a year. I just had never realized or simply didn’t pay any attention so I felt rather foolish when IKNOW! told me that today like I was nuts for not realizing this.

4. Little Filthy got a bed this weekend after months without one. He’s been sleeping on the couch. I’m pleased to say he loves his new bed. He has, however, developed a new complaint and we have no idea of its source. He’s taken to standing on the couch, front legs on the back of the couch, staring at the bookshelf and crying. He clearly wants something on the bookshelf but I have no idea what it is or how to figure out what it is short of removing everything on the shelf and offering it to him…which seems rather indulgent. Of course, his crying is pitiful. Which means, who knows? Maybe tomorrow when Boss gets home, I’ll be offering Little Filthy some reading material.

1. I spoke with my buddy, Roger, today. He’s also my accountant and I was calling him about my taxes and investments. Roger is in his late fifties and one mean, funny, son of a bitch. One Christmas, his (now ex) wife (who had recently gained weight) asked him what he wanted for a gift. He said, “I want you to be able to tuck your shirt in your pants.”

2. I made dinner last night. Filets, potatoes, steamed broccolini, asparagus, and carrots. We’d been eating out so much, I thought a home cooked meal was in order. Boss and I each got a plate. She ate a little bit and then brought her plate into the kitchen…and returned with tortilla chips and guacamole. I laughed and said, “I made dinner and you’re eating chips and guacamole!” About ten minutes later, I looked up and saw her at the kitchen counter and she had this look on her face. I said, “You’re looking around trying to decide what to eat, aren’t you?” She nodded.3. We returned from Las Vegas on Wednesday and I am ashamed to say that we are addicted to the Wheel-of-Fortune slot machine. To a ridiculous degree. On the flight there, for some reason, Boss and I were not seated together. This caused her great dismay due to her stranger danger. Naturally, she spent four hours on the plane next to a large man who refused to lower the arm rest, oozed into her seat, made mouth noises and listened to his iPod at a high volume. I, on the other hand, sat next to a lovely 50-something couple who, at the end of our flight, invited me to stay at their place should I ever make it to their hometown.

4. I feel as if I have been waiting for this Friday for a year. Well, I have. It’s BONUS day. BONUS day is once a year. And I have already heard what I am getting and am just now waiting to get my hands on it. It’s fair to say I am obsessing. After Friday, I will obsess about next year’s bonus. And after that, I will truly be mad as I wait for my next bonus…as it will be roughly 3 times as much. I love stock options. They make me tremble. I do not want to sound boastful…I am just generally excited because I was a pauper for years after graduating from law school while I worked for the public (something I promised myself I would do). Then I met Boss. And then I sold out and became a corporate junkie.

Boss is not cheap. Have I mentioned?

5. Roughly six weeks until we head to Puerto Rico. I want to dive and see sharks. Boss wants to scream from the boat. Or shore. Little Filthy will be returning to his doggy spa where he stayed while we were in Las Vegas. There, his private room is marble. I am not making this stuff up; it is a bit ridiculous. He plays all day long with other doggies of the same size and then retires to his room for dinner and sleep. Little Filthy slept near non-stop for two days upon returning. It’s like he went to NOLA for Mardis Gras and is still hung over.

6. While in Las Vegas, I checked my voicemail at work and heard a message that I had a package. This happened to be on Valentine’s Day. I called our receptionist and asked if she could tell who the package was from and she said, “It looks like a cookie company…something for Valentine’s day.” I hung up and looked at Boss (who had heard me inquire about the package). I told her what the receiptionist had said and she eyed me and said, “Who’s your girlfriend?” Turns out that they were from a member of my sales team as I had just finished negotiating their deal a few days earlier. Boss wasn’t too upset; she ate the heart shaped cookie.

Boss is, quite honestly, the least romantic person I’ve ever met. But she tries.

I just lied.

Boss is definitely the least romantic person I’ve ever met but I lied about the other part. She doesn’t try. Okay, that’s not true. She doesn’t try hard. Okay, and maybe not the least romantic person I’ve ever met so much as the least capable of keeping sarcasm out of her romance.

Let me give you an example.

Our three year anniversary was last Wednesday and Boss’s birthday was on Friday. We decided to go out for dinner on Thursday evening. I am taking us to Las Vegas this weekend for our anniversary and Valentine’s day and dinner and gifts was the order of things for my Groundhog’s Day baby, setting the tone for a vacation to come. We sat in a peaceful corner booth at the restaurant and talked about our years together.

Let me stop right here and editorialize. I do not have much difficulty in describing my thoughts, feelings, or opinions. In fact, at times, I have more difficulty refraining from offering my two cents. Boss is, generally, indecisive and when she does have an opinion, she’s often loathe to express it. This is one of the funnier parts of her personality, actually, because she combines it with the complete inability to hide her real feelings from being expressed on her face. I get Blank Face and have a mouth that belies my face. Boss’s face reads like a headline contradicting her mouth.

We had a quiet moment while we ate and, in retrospect, I see now that Boss must have been working up the nerve to say something nice. I looked up at her and she said, eyes wide, “I can’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of looking at that face for three years.”

Hold it. I know what you’re thinking. But that’s because you couldn’t see her face. She was opening her eyes wide to keep herself from giggling. And then she flat out grinned. She kills me.

Those are the things about Boss that I love. The things about herself she can’t control. The look on her face, her excitement from teaching, her clumsy long legs, and her love for me. It’s that wild transparency that I love.

Happy Anniversary, honey.